2012

Its a new day up in here, up in here.

I'm off that damned depo provera.  I was able to drop 12 pounds with diet and exercise, though I've undone all that progress by living off cookies and shit all through the holidays.

But 2012 is here.  Detox baby.  I'm going to have some drinks and hormone laden beef and sugary junk New Years Eve.  But come Sunday....its on.

I'm making some changes around here.  I want to get healthy. I want to be what the government calls a healthy weight before I sign up for life insurance. I want good, under 30, non smoker/drinker, skinny rates.

So this blog, though I'm sure will still be full of bitching because come ON thats what I DO, will have a lot of posts about food. GOOD food.  I have a TON of healthy recipes and I want to try tons more. I want to review them and upload pictures and share them with people who want to share this journey with me.  I'm a foodie.  I love to cook. I love good food and good ingredients.  I cannot and will not live off lean cuisines and packaged 'diet' food.  I like fresh vegetables prepared in a way that preserves their natural flavors and nutrients. 

I'm also OCPD.  Look it up.  I'll wait. All that?? Thats me. I'm a planner and THANK GOD because you cannot run a healthy household without that personality flaw.  So I will also be putting meal plans and the like on here because again, it makes me feel in control.  Which I need to live.

So cheers to 2012.  If we are all going to die in December, I want to go out looking and feeling good. If we don't see Armageddon? I'll have a good start for expanding my family ;)

xo

Today's rant courtesy of my giant fat ass

It's not a good day.  Anybody that knows me knows that I struggle with my weight.  Some days are better than others but today is one of those REALLY REALLY bad days.  I need to get this on paper in an attempt to get it OFF my chest.  It works with anger.  Let's see if it works for depression.  Here goes.
I've had a weight problem since I got on stupid birth control at 15.  Clearly I cannot take the stuff.   I remember weighing myself the day before freshman year.  145.  That's not little.  But it would be the last time I would see that number for 5 years.  I've always been active.  Always played sports year round.  And even with all that exercise I managed to go from 145 to 186 between 10th and 12th grade.  Then, at 18, when I took myself off the pill.  The weight started coming off.  By the time I was 20 I was down to 145 again.  With minimal effort on my part might I add.  I went through one summer where I worked out but I really toned up more than lost any weight.  I wasn't on ANY birth control for the next 3 years and maintained that weight.  Exercise here and there.  Eating well but not dieting by any stretch.  Then in 2003 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I had a surgery to remove it and was then put on a 6 month round of lupron.  Which is basically chemically induced menopause.  During this 6 months I got engaged, bought and remodeled a house, moved, planned a wedding and got married.  I know brides typically lose weight before their big day even if its all stress related and not through any conscious effort.  But I lost 20 pounds.  Fast.  Like in 2 months. It had to be the lupron.  I was 126 pounds on my wedding day.  Its hard to be fat after you've been that thin.  REALLY REALLY hard. 
So. I was married on April 5th.  We went and enjoyed a lovely honeymoon and on the 13th we came home and gave each other our wedding presents by quitting smoking.  I gained 20 pounds immediately.  Like in less than 2 months.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  So by the time I even started gaining baby weight....I was up to just under 150.  I went on to gain another 40 pounds in the next several months and was a whopping 187 the day I delivered my baby boy.  I was SURE I would lose that weight and then some since I intended to nurse exclusively.  Once that baby was out and I no longer had a reason to be big I developed a SERIOUS distaste for my body.  One that has only gotton worse in the last two years.  I am not one of those women that think saggy skin and stretch marks is beautiful because I got a baby out of it.  No.  Saggy skin is gross.  Period.  Children are wonderful but pregnancy is hell on your body.
Like I said I really was SURE nursing would help the weight come off.  I got down to 155, but then stuck there for 6 months.  I decided I must be one of those women that can't lose while nursing.  I weaned when Ant was 13 months old.  Then I JUST KNEW I'd FINALLY lose some weight.  Especially now that I could really diet since I didn't have to worry about milk supply and I could really exercise since I no longer leaked.  Well, one month after I dried up I had gained 5 pounds. Up to 160.  So I immediately blamed my birthcontrol.  Depo Provera.  That HAD to be it.  So I got off it and switched to a pill.  MISTAKE. Gained 3 more pounds.  163. Damn.  So I got BACK on the depo and had to get a DOUBLE shot because I just kept fucking bleeding ALL THE TIME.  After the 2nd dose, the 3 pounds came off but I was still 160.  Not happy.  So.  August of 2010 rolls around and I start working out.  Running one day a week and Zumba 2 days a week.  A month goes by.  No weight loss.  So I up my workouts and add a 3rd Zumba on Saturdays along with a toning class.  Another month goes by.  No weight loss.  By November I've got 3 zumbas, a toning and I've added another running day to my week.  I was now working out 5 days a week.  I start gaining a little weight.  And not muscle because my clothes were tight.  I was pissed.  So in December I decide to sign up for the Azalea Trail and add ANOTHER workout to help me train.  One long run on Sundays.  By January I'm running Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  Doing Zumba Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and the toning class on Saturday as well.  I go up to 164.  I start to believe that as much as I love depo...it's making it impossible for me to lose so I get off it.  Through February...no weight loss. So, very defeated, by March, perfect timing for lent, I forgo my very last vice.  Dessert.  Sweets.  All of them. Gone.  It has been one month today and I've gained an additional 4 pounds.  168.2 this morning.  Please tell me how in the FUCK that is possible???   I do not drink soda, tea, juice or koolaid.  I have coffee with splenda in the morning, water all day, milk with dinner.  Sure my dinners could be a little healthier.  But you know what?? As much as I fucking exercise I should be able to drink cake frosting milkshakes 3 times a day and STILL lose weight.  I eat Special K for breakfast with 1% milk.  A light lunch and IF on the rare occasion I have a snack between meals, its either fruit or yogurt.  I don't eat fast food or fried food.  When I say crap dinner....we have a lot of casseroles because when you have to squeeze 6-7 hours of exercise in your already busy working-mom-week you have to cut corners somewhere and a casserole is a busy bitches best friend.  I don't eat 3 helpings of potatoes.  I eat a proper serving of whatever meal I make for dinner. I make delicious food because cooking makes me happy.  Its a passion and if I have to be fat I at least deserve a hobby that I enjoy.  I've tried very hard.  I've made a solid effort for NINE months now only to be rewarded with a Friday morning nervous breakdown because I cant button my pants and have to wear a sloppy tshirt to cover the fact that they are held together with a fucking ponytail holder.  Just like when I was pregnant.  In fact....I'm the same weight now that I was 2 months post partum.  Thats fucking disgusting.  I'm disgusting.  I hate clothes.  I hate pants.  I hate mirrors.  I hate shopping.  I hate being uncomfortable in my own skin.  I hate feeling trapped under this weight.  I hate it.  Its making me fucking insane.  If I sat on my ass and gorged myself all the time I'd have no reason to whine whatsoever. But I work hard.  I've sacrificed HUNDREDS of hours with my family to workout and it's all for fucking nothing.  NOTHING.  So the fuck what if I can run 5 miles.  Call me vain but I don't give a fuck if I can run 20 miles if I can't wear a damn single digit size pair of pants.  "Oh but you're so fit!"  I. Don't. Care.  That doesn't make a fucking bit of difference to me.  I want to be thin. Period.  I want to get dressed one morning and it not suck.  I want to feel like I look cute.  Not like I'm just hiding the fat well.  My face is even fat.  I have no jawline and am developing a second chin.  No amount of makeup hides that. 
And no I'm not some depressed lunatic.  I have a fantastic husband, a beautiful child, great friends, excellent parents and a large extended family.  I like my job.  I have hobbies I enjoy.  We may not be rich but we are able to pay the bills every month (so far) which is better than a lot of people right now.  I know that I have a God that loves me.  I love being a Mom and a  Wife.  I love being married to my best friend.  I love our home.  I love my neighbors.  I have so many good qualities that make me a wonderful person.  I'm just fat.  As long as I am in this body I will not feel complete.  I need to LOSE to be whole.  As backwards as that sounds it makes perfect sense to me. 
I still don't feel better.  Fuck.

15 Things to Do Before You Have Kids........B U L L S H I T

The Nest, a magazine for newlyweds that I meant to unsubscribe to a LONG time ago, emails me links to articles from time to time about newlywed-ish type stuff.  Today's email was about 15 things to do before you have children. I had a feeling it would be irritating to read.  But not only was it irritating, it was stupid, ridiculous and above all made the author look like a whiny puss parent who clearly feel that babies are the end of all that is fun and spontaneous.  Let's pick this one apart shall we?

1. Go on a wine-tasting tour at a vineyard.

There's nothing fun for a kid about sitting still and being quiet while you sip something they can't. And those little wine crackers only entertain them for so long (believe me, I’ve tried).

Really?  I love wine.  LOVE....but I wouldn't attempt to bring a kid to a winery.  For one, the reason above, for two, that's just like bringing a kid to a damn bar.  Kids don't need to be around a bunch of drunk adults.
BUT...that doesn't mean after you have a baby you can NEVER EVER go wine tasting again.  Every heard of over night babysitters???  Get one.  Drive up Friday after work.  Come back Saturday morning. Wine tasting complete.  Baby got to be spoiled by Nana or Auntie.  Everybody's happy.

2. Go skydiving/bungee jumping/swimming with sharks...or whatever other crazy, life-risking thing you’ve got on your bucket list.

These activities are frowned upon when you’ve got little ones at home who kind of depend on your not being injured. Or dead. So file under before baby.

The type of people who have the balls to jump out of an airplane are not the type to be deterred from doing so just because of children.  Plus, the death rate among skydivers is actually low.  So go ahead and jump if you want.

3. Make a list of all the restaurants and bars you've been meaning to check out -- and go.

Sure, you'll get out to eat when you have kids. But when there’s a sitter on the clock, you're more likely to pick a place you know will get you in and out, and not, say, that new pop-up restaurant 45 minutes away where they cook everything with a single match.

If I'm getting a sitter, it's going to be for more than an hour.  Restaurants that get you in and out are the ones to go to WITH the kid.

4. Appreciate the bathroom -- alone.

This one bears repeating. Seriously. Revel in the aloneness.

Anyone who has a pet doesn't pee alone.  And so the fuck what???   Is it the end of the world to have a precious little voice on the other side of the door asking for Momma???  Whiny asshole.  What is SO special about sitting on the toilet in silence?? It's just never been this sacred zen experience for me.

5. Stop being so self-righteous.

When you see a mom or dad struggling with a tantrum-throwing kid in the airport or at the drugstore, don’t roll your eyes and think, My kid would never do that. Because he will. I guarantee.

Everybody does this before they have kids but it certainly doesn't stop after baby makes 3.  I judge other parent's more now than I did before.  Because there are just SO MANY BAD ONES OUT THERE. 

6. Take a road trip.

Anywhere. Together or solo, it doesn’t matter -- just relish in the complete silence or blast whatever kid-unfriendly music you like. Stop only when you want to or you need to, and enjoy the freedom. The car will never be the same post baby.

The car isn't the same post baby.  But it's not worse.  So what if you have to stop? Its nice to stop and stretch and take a break.  Road trips are WAY over rated.  Being in a car sucks.  The only reason to take a road trip is because you are trying to get someplace awesome and are too afraid/broke to fly.  They suck with our without children so don't pretend they are rainbows and sunshine before the car seat gets strapped in.

7. Be spontaneous.

If someone says, “Let’s do ____.” Do ____. Because you can.

This is the only one that might have some merit....but even BEFORE I had a baby I wasn't spontaneous.  For one, it's not in my personality to not plan things.  And two, other people have their own obligations and work schedules you have to dance around. 

8. Spend an entire day in bed together watching movies.

You will likely never do this once you have kids unless A) you have the flu, in which case, not so enjoyable, or B) your kid has the flu, in which case said movies will likely feature talking rodents. Again, not so enjoyable

First off bitch, if you don't like Disney movies...don't have kids.  2nd, what kind of happiness-nazi hates Disney movies and 3rd...B A B Y S I T T E R.  Send Jr. to Nana's for the night and get some alone time with your husband.  Not hard.  You act like this kid will be superglued to your asshole til it's grown.  They won't be.  Chill out.

9. Have boozy lunches with friends. 

You’ll probably try this once you have kids, and it will seem great...until you get home and realize you still have to parent and bedtime isn’t for another five hours. D’oh!

Jeez I'm sorry motherhood interrupts your boozing so much.  I don't drink in the middle of the day for 1 because I have a JOB and for 2 I have to DRIVE and 3 I'll feel like shit later.  Boozing in the middle of the day is for Spring Breakers.  Put on your big girl panties and woman up. 

10. Feed your minimalist side.

Get a white chair/couch/rug/anything else you wouldn’t want stained. Leave your wineglass or coffee cup on it and watch it not get knocked over. Enjoy it while you can, because once there’s a little one tottering around, you can kiss it good-bye!

Another annoying one.  I've NEVER had a white couch.  Because before I had a kid I had friends and I've always had pets.  And I had a home where people actually came over and sat down.  You think kids are the only ones who spill shit?? It was an ADULT that dumped red wine down my wedding dress AT MY WEDDING.  Not a kid. 

11. Have morning sex.

And doors-open sex. And not-in-the-bedroom sex. And loud sex. Sure, you’ll still have sex post-kids. But most of these particular sex flavors will go off the menu when the little ones arrive, so partake while you can.

Little ones can put a damper on your marital relations...but again.  B A B Y S I T T E R.
And N A P T I M E.

12. Be the last ones to leave the party.

No matter what you say now, as a couple with kids, you’ll be calling it a night long before your baby-free friends. (Trust me, you won’t have it in you, and even if you do, people will talk.) That means missing out on those crazy-fun hours when all the really fun nonsense happens, also known as the stuff you reminisce about once you have kids.

For God's sake I hope your kids don't know what a big ass cock block they are to your life.  Jesus.   Being the last at the party isn't stopped by kids, its stopped by age and responsibility.  I quit staying out late when I turned 22.  Long before the kid came along. Why?  Because its not fun anymore when 2am Waffle House leaves you sidelined for days.  Don't blame your kids, blame your age.

13. Fly first class.

Everyone deserves to board the plane first (without a stroller, car seat and screaming kid), eat warm nuts and drink free beverages at least once in their life. And even if you can afford it, it’s just wrong to fly first class with a tot (people don’t spend all the extra cash to listen to crying babies the whole time). Promise you won’t be those parents!

I don't know a fucking soul that can afford first class.  And if I managed to scrape up that much money I'd have to walk back immediately because I'd have none left over to stay anywhere or fly back home. 

14. Wear as much silk, cashmere, dry-clean-only clothing as you possibly can, while you still can. 

Kids can get their gunk on you without even making contact. It’s one of their many superpowers.

Um I've never wore 'dry clean only' because it's a pain in the ass.  And silk and cashmere?  Can't afford it.  But the nice outfits (nice to ME) that I have are more likely to be stained from my dinner than by my kid. His cups have lids, and I don't let him eat cheese puffs if we are about to go somewhere that requires an expensive outfit.  Sorry.  Common fucking sense.  You act like they are these little Pigpens that just ooze dirt and koolaid.  Not true.

15. Take a career risk.

Go for the promotion, the career change or any other work-related risk that will feel too risky once there are dependents involved. You have the rest of your life to worry about income, stability and paying for diapers and college. Take advantage of this time to pursue your passions or figure out whatever the hell it is you want to do.

I can agree with this one to an extent.  If you want to blow your savings to start a business, do it before you have kids.   But just changing jobs or taking a promotion?  How is that risky? 


In short, this bitch needs to stop being such a fucking martyr.  I'm sorry your kids are the end of YOUR life.  I feel my son was the beginning of mine.  I think that every day is more fulfilling because he is in it.  I don't feel held back by him.  I'm not missing a damn thing by going to bed at 10.  Staying out til the wee hours and getting sloshed hasn't been fun since I was 19 and if that is still fun to you, you shouldn't have had a kid. 
And for the LOVE of God please never let your children find out how badly they have sidelined every chance of fun for the rest of your life.  They are probably going to have a tough enough time having you as a parent PRETENDING to like them. 

F.A.T.

I'm sitting at my desk with my UPS window open getting ready to create the days shipments. Just for fun, I decided to see how much it would cost to overnight myself to my buddy in Cincinnati. It would have to be overnight.  I'm not sitting in a box for 2 days.  I plug in her address, the dimensions of the box that I would fit in and my weight.  Usually when you hit 'tab' after entering this data it shows you your shipping cost.  Not today.  This time a little box popped up saying "This shipment is over 150lbs.  Would you like to use UPS Freight?" I am a FREIGHT shipment.  F.M.L. This is where the sheer size of my ass has finally hit home.  I am SO fat, that in order to ship me somewhere, I would have to be shrink wrapped, put on a fucking pallet and loaded WITH A FORKLIFT onto an 18 wheeler.  Losing 35 pounds would be nice, but after today I just want to be eligible for parcel service. Packaging included.
 *sigh*.

Trees

I'm an Alabama fan.  I don't hate Auburn, it's alumni, football team or school. I silently rooted for them in the championship game because even though we are rivals, they are still in the SEC and from the great state of Alabama.  Did I wish it was us? Sure.  But you can't be National Champions EVERY year.
As much as I love Fall Saturdays, I had to stay off Facebook on gameday because fans on both ends are just too hateful and obnoxious for me tolerate.  I'm not talking about WDE! or RTR!!  That' cool.  It's the, "What up now you bammers?"  or "SCAM Newton!" EVERY WEEKEND even though we play each other ONCE. I could lower myself to their levels and sling a lot of shit in response, even right now, but I'm not going too.  Because I have class (go ahead and chuckle while you give me the wicked side eye...I am a classy FOOTBALL FAN...I didn't say shit about having class while I was posting profanity laden rants on the internet).  The latest development that I'm sure will ignite some hideous turf war concerns the poisoning of the Toomer's Corner Oaks.  This is an unspeakable act of vandalism. Those tree's are 130 years old and whether they are on Dauphin Street or Auburn's campus, killing one is just a fucktardian thing to do.  It pisses me off to see them taken down no matter where they are planted.  It's not like they are statues that can be reproduced.  They have to grow over 100's of years.
I understand the Auburn fans are outraged.  They have a right to be. I wish like hell it woulda been an LSU fan (or ANYbody else) who did the deed, but it wasn't.  Mr. Tree Killer is a self-proclaimed member of Saban-nation.  Well, sir, you may be a fan of Alabama, but Alabama is not a fan of you.  I hope he gets the book thrown at him.  So far he's only been charged with criminal mischief but hopefully some violation of environmental law lands him in hotter water.
Now that I have proclaimed my sincerest condolences to the CLASSY Auburn fans who know that this jack off wasn't your run of the mill Bama Fan, let the rant begin.
To you douchehole asshat classless Auburn fans that have taken over my facebook page....FUCK YOUR TREES.  That's right.  If you weren't such a bunch of whiny dickholes spewing hate towards ALL Alabama fans I'd have some sympathy for you and your precious traditions.  But since you have to post link after link of news stories about this and then dig up even MORE news stories of other Alabama fans being pricks over the years in a ridiculous attempt to try and paint all of us in a shitty light...fuck you.  You think Auburn doesn't have any fucking skeletons in its closet?  Ha. But I'm not going to waste my time digging up every article of negative press *cough* scam *cough* you've received.  We all know what they are.  That guy that killed your stupid trees....he's a white trash redneck from TEXAS for God's sake.  He's not like me or any fucking other bama fan I know so I don't appreciate your little "Hope you're proud you Bammers" comments. Fuck you.  Of course we aren't proud of that dick.  We aren't like YOU.  Who stand behind CRIMINALS just because they wear the same fucking ugly jersey.
To my dearest friends who happen to be Auburn fans, I hope you understand that this isn't toward you.  This is toward your less than stellar fan mates who have obviously struck quite a nerve with me.  I'm sorry about your trees.
xo
B

At the Movies

I hate going to the movies.  Aside from it costing entirely too much money and the high probability the movie will suck, its just one more place I have to tolerate stupid fucking people.  I want to take this list and put it on the screen in every theatre before EVERY movie.  And I want bouncers.  I want a bouncer with a remote that can pause the movie and physically remove the douches from the theatre and then resume the movie so nobody misses anything AND we can pay attention to the asshole getting schooled to get even more entertainment for the money.  Every time I go to the movies it costs me 15-20 dollars.  That's a matinee by myself.  That's not date night with the hubs.  Then your looking more at 35-40.  For that kind of money you'd better not destroy my experience by committing one or more of the following offenses.
1. Shut the fuck up.  This should be a given.  Don't you open your fucking mouth.  If I can hear you, I should be able to punch you in the teeth.  If you want to carry on a conversation go to a fucking restaurant.
2. This also includes talking on the phone. Which is worse because you can't whisper.  Go outside you asshole.
3. Another thing about the phone. Turn that fucking thing on silent. Not vibrate....silent.  I don't want to hear buzz buzz from your purse and then the subsequent rustling of you trying to find the damn thing in the dark in that giant effing bag you brought (full of food no less).
4.  There are etiquette settings on phones for a reason.  In addition to silent, you need to turn the light to dim.  I don't want the equivalent of 40 fucking flashlights distracting me from the screen.  The only light I need to see is the Mag light the above referenced bouncer is carrying to shine on you before whacking you in the cranium with it.  Movie paused first of course.
5.  You are not at home.  Keep your dirty ass shoes ON your stinky ass feet and OFF the back of my chair.
6.  Move down to make room.  If there are 3 couples in a row with a chair between each couple you're being an inconsiderate douche if you don't scooch down when you see two people looking for seats in a crowded theatre.
7. Go ahead and bring a snack.  I do it.  We all do it.  I bring a bottled water and m&m's to put in my popcorn.  DO NOT bring fried chicken, soup, potato salad and lima beans or anything that is a giant bag full of something crunchy and impossible to eat without sounding like a cellophane cow with steel teeth chewing glass and nails.  PLEASE.
8.  Try to keep the commentary to  a minimum...or to a none....whatever.   We might jump, even shriek when there is a terrifying scene in a movie.  But screaming out loud, shouting OMG!, or "Oh no she didn't!" "Don't go in there!" "Hes behind the door!"  Shut. The. Fuck. Up. or stay home you ignorant retard.
9.  Kids.  KIDS.  I love my kid....but I'm not taking him to the movies.  Why? Because I can't keep him quiet and still for 2 hours.  And if you can't either....get a fucking sitter.  I've seen people bring a tiny itty bitty baby in a carrier to the theatre.  What the fuck? Its WAY to loud for them. Get a fucking baby sitter for Christ's sake.   That goes for toddlers and any kid under 12.  If you HAVE to bring them, only bring them to CHILD friendly movies.  A 6 year old fucking up Eclipse is unacceptable.  Take that trick to see Kung fu Panda or some other age appropriate shit.  As for kids over 12....they all suck and are evil little Satan spawn.  Please try to teach them how to behave before you turn them loose in a theatre unsupervised.  If not, I hope they come home with a mag light knot on their little pointy heads.  Next time you will get off your sorry ass and be a PARENT and go to the movies to police their forever inconsiderate behavior. Douche.
10.  Kids suck...yeah...but adults are pretty much worse because there is NO excuse for their behavior.  They've been raised by somebody I assume is not a wolf who didn't live in a barn and should know how to behave in public and cannot blame youth or hormones.  So my final rule...if you have a bladder problem, are expecting a call, or are fat enough to need 3 refills on coke and popcorn, don't sit in the middle of the theatre. Sit on the edge, at the bottom, so when you get up for the 9th time you don't disturb everybody.  That seat sucks?  Well, so do you....so it fits.

Dear Powersthatbe.  Please feel free to steal the above list and post it EVERYWHERE in your theatre...screen included.

Thanks a bunch
Sincerely,
A cheap person with low tolerance for other people's bullshit

Pete's Party Castle would be AWESOME if it weren't for Crap Parents

Ahh Pete's.  I love Pete's.  It's been cold and ugly outside for what seems like 14 forevers so it's nice to have somewhere to take the youngin' where he can expel some of his infinite energy and get some pizza.  He's not big enough to get in the big kid castle climb-y tower-y thing yet.  Which I learned by going in there WITH him like a super mommy MORON.  I had so many bruises on my legs after leaving that thing I looked like a Russian whore. Needless to say, he has to stay in the soft play area now.  I get a table right next to it and when I'm not standing over him policing him, I'm sitting at the table watching his every move. Why? Because Pete's play area may be closed off and locked, but it's not a cage for people to just toss their kids in while the parents enjoy a break and can come back and get them whenever the hell they feel like it.  All the kids that work there are teenagers (talk about genius birth control...they should all spend a semester doing work credit there), not zookeepers, and their jobs are to exchange tickets for cheap prizes, stop and start the choo choo train and bring out pizza.  NOT to babysit YOUR kids.  Parents have gotten LAZY.  It's ridiculous.  Let me share the tale of the satan child from our last visit.
My buddy Liz and I, with our 2 year old boys, arrive at Pete's on a cold rainy Friday evening.  We order our pizza, grab our usual table and cut the boys loose in the soft play area.  They get bored in 3 minutes so we switch to the choo choo train, then back to soft play, then 5 minutes later to the little ride on...things.  You know what I'm talking about.  Stick a quarter in it and the what-appears-to-be-plastic three-horse carousel spins for about 45 seconds?  This is where we first encountered 'him'.  'He', who shall be referred to as Lucifer from here on out, was already on the carousel.  It wasn't moving.  He was just sitting on the horse.  Kinda sad.  He was a cute little thing.  Maybe 4. Curly blond hair and a dimpled precious face.  But looks can be deceiving.  We put our boys on the two free horses and Liz dropped in a couple tokens.  Off they went, Liz standing on one side, me on the other, just in case one of the boys gets squirrely and tries to dive off.  On about the 3rd pass, Lucifer reaches out and grabs a handful of my tshirt and holds on, either dragging me with the carousel or dragging him off.  I grabbed his hand, pulled it away and sweetly asked him to please not grab my shirt.  Next time around, he does it again. I grab his hand and tell him no and back close to the wall in an effort to get out of his reach.  Didn't work. This time he got my purse and held on.  I smacked his hand and told him NO.  I was getting pissed.  This little bastard is already getting a free ride and WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS? Finally the carousel of death stops spinning and this kid runs off....for a minute.  Our boys want to go again so we drop some tokens in and go back to our posts.  Some man walks up with his little girl, maybe 18 months old, and puts her on the empty horse.  Which annoyed me at first, but then he tossed Liz a couple tokens.  I know its stupid to seethe over 50 cents but it's the principal that you can't just assume people will be okay paying for your kid. Nothing is free. Anyway. Halfway through this ride, the little girls dad has walked off and Lucifer is back.  He starts mashing buttons on the thing you put quarters in and is generally all up on Liz.  Liz is incredibly more tolerant of other people's bullshit than I am.  I already want to ring the little bastards neck.  Then he comes around to where I'm standing and goes to grab Liz's son's pants leg, almost pulling him off and under the damn carousel while it's spinning.  I snatched him by his arm and shoved him away.  He goes back for more, this time trying to climb on it while it's turning.  I grabbed him again and drug him out from behind and away from the carousel and LOUDLY asked who in the HELL this kid belonged to?  Nobody answers.  He scampers off.  Thank God.  I later saw his mother.  White trash, bra-less, toothless, fried hair, socks and flip flops wearing cow.  Dad had less hair but the same amount of teeth and was ALSO sporting socks with sandals.  They were stuffing their faces while their devil spawn terrorized the whole place.  Assholes.  A few minutes later, I take my boy into the small arcade with games for the little kids and try to win him an animal out of the crane machine.  He is standing next to me, behaving himself and watching the crane take my money, when here comes Lucifer again, knocking him out of the way and jumping up and down pointing at what animal HE wants and thinks he's getting.  I shove him away and pick my kid up off the floor and head back to the table where we all enjoy our pizza in peace.  After they eat, the boys go back to the soft area and here comes Lucifer AGAIN.  This time he wraps his hands around some kids throat (thankfully not my kid or I'd be writing this blog on a prison wall) and his fat ass momma FINALLY steps in.  She proceeds to wrap her hands around HIS neck and explain that this is just how you deal with him because he's autistic.  Um. What?  If he's autistic I'm mickey fucking mouse.  He's just BAD.   He looked me dead in my face and tried to interact with me.  That's not autism.  He doesn't need meds.  He needs his little ass whipped. But I'm not a doctor so I guess I could be entirely wrong.  He could in fact have autism on some scale.  In which case, I'm the jackhole that strong armed a special kid.   But in my defense...if your kid has a diagnosed disorder and behavioral problems...what the FUCK are you doing turning him loose in a place like that??  And you can't blame it ALL on autism.  I know PLENTY of autistic children that are sweet and well behaved because their parents put in the effort. Further proof people need to pass a battery of tests before they should be able to procreate. 
That was just ONE visit and ONE kid.  When we had a birthday party there, the offenses heaped upon us were numerous.  And ALL because people don't watch their kids.  We had two children we didn't even know come sit down in a chair in the private party room and ask for a cupcake.  I told them to leave.  I'm sorry.  I'm a hateful, brutally honest, dream crusher and children are not spared.  These brats are too damn sensitive these days.  Everybody gets picked, everybody gets a trophy, everybody gets invited and gets a cupcake. Nope. Sorry.  If you suck you don't make the team, if you lose you don't get a trophy, if you didn't get invited, tough shit and no you don't get a cupcake from SOMEBODY ELSE'S BIRTHDAY.  It's amazing!  The soft play area is for little kids (under 3 ft) only, yet there are always some 7-10 year old kids in there terrorizing the little ones and knocking them down.  Nobody knows how to wait their turn. The kids have NO manners and listen to NOBODY.  If you ask them to do something, the holler "YOUR NOT MY MOMMA!!"  When we were kids, if an adult told you to do something, you said yes ma'am/sir and DID it.  Period.  My momma would've whooped my ASS had I smarted off to an adult. But times have clearly changed.  Kids will be kids so parents need to step it up.  I know you're busy.  We're all busy.  We all have work and households to run, family obligations, sports, girl/boy scouts, music lessons, errands and LIFE in general. We're all over worked, underpaid and stressed the hell out.  That doesn't mean you get to slack ass on the parenting and leave it up to daycare, teachers, lifeguards and park/playground/Pete's/Chuckie Cheese employees.  You need to teach your little demon howler monkeys to behave in public so I don't feel like every time I go to an event geared towards children I've been transported to a real life Lord of the Flies.  This madness HAS to stop and it starts at home.

Rosie's F***ing Fashions

My lovely sister-in-law and I went on the annual mission to find Mardi Gras gowns this past Saturday.  I've always had trouble finding a dress that doesn't make me feel like a glittery jewel encrusted manatee.  Mostly because I have giant boobs and currently I'm just giant everywhere. Add to that the fact that I'm incredibly cheap and hormonally imbalanced and we have a disaster waiting to happen. 

We started our quest at the mall.  Penny's first.  They had about 16 different dresses.  NONE bigger than an 8.  NONE. We high tailed it out of there and headed to Dillards.  Didn't even waste time in Belk since they never have anything for under 200 bucks.  We get to Dillards, and they have a bunch of dresses, but they are all tiny.  There were MAYBE six size 10's and two size 12's.  All those went in the fitting room with us.  Kristy had ONE dress that wasn't damaged in some way.  A snag, busted seams, big ass hole, broken zippers or ripped stitching that resulted in loose or missing sequins and gems.  She bought that dress. Both of the one's I tried on were damaged AND showed off my beautiful back fat. WinWin.

We popped in Cache on our way to Sears.  Nothing under 200.  Sears didn't have ONE dress. NOT ONE.  They just didn't get any in.  Neither location.  Ridiculous.  Which sucks because I can usually find something there.  Oh well.  So even though Kristy isn't ecstatic about her selection, at least she has a dress, but we continue on in the hopes I will find something as well. 

We stop at Jovi's.  Walked in and walked out.  Nothing under 250.  Then we headed down to Puttin' on the Ritz.  Ha.  After we FINALLY were able to park, the wait to try anything on was 30 minutes and there wasn't anything in there that we really liked.  This brings us to Rosie's. 

Rosie's F***ing Fashions.  I've been there before.  Several times.  Never actually bought a dress there so I don't know WHY I tried again.  Desperation perhaps. We walk in and the first thing we see is this little woman all in black, clearly a saleslady, and she wants to know what size we wear immediately.  This pisses me off right out the gate because first of all, none of your g** d*** business and second of all, I HATE being accosted as soon as I go in somewhere.  Let me just look around for a minute and if I have a question, I will find YOU.

We told her we were looking for ball gowns and I said I knew where the 12's were.  "Well what size do you normally wear in clothes."  Um...anywhere from a 10-14 depending on the store, section, article of clothing or brand.  "Well you should start in the 14's and go up"  I don't wear a 14 in dresses and certainly not a 16.  I wear a 12.  I dress me every day AND I've been trying on BALL GOWNS all day. I know what I'm looking for.  So she starts in on Kristy and I think that convo went about the same way. I had moved on to the fat girl rack so the saleswhore would leave me alone. 

So we start sifting through all these dresses.  Kristy picks out one and a sales lady immediately takes it from her to 'start a room'.  Fine.  It's a bitch to cart one around and move those heavy ass plastic dress bags anyway.  So I pick out 2 dresses, one a 14 and one a 12, just so I can fuck with the sales lady's 'expertise'.  Kristy grabs 2 more and we start to make our way to the dressing room when another sales women stops us.  She looks at Kristy "What size do you wear?"  Kristy, clearly exasperated with these fucking nazis, reply's with "A 9/10."  The sales lady looks at the gorgeous pink dress Kristy has in her hands and says "Well what size is that?"  The bitch hasn't even started in on me yet and I'm ready to smack her.  Kristy says it's an 11. Snotty asshole sales lady's reply after glaring at Kristy and looking her up and down, "Well, it MIGHT fit you.  Those are cut small."  Basically "Um, you are CLEARLY to fat for that."  RUDE C***.  So Kristy and I give each other 'the look' and make our way to the fitting area. 

This place was packed.  Of course.  It's Mardi Gras in Mobile and nobody else sure as shit has much of a selection so every other exasperated woman has flocked to Rosies.  God bless our souls.

This is where this place REALLY gets irritating.  Now, I've seen the damage women do to dresses trying to squeeze into ones that are clearly to small.  They get deodorant and make up on the dresses and rip them with rings and earrings.  They are generally careless bitches but not everybody is like that and I don't appreciate being treated as such. 

So we are standing at the fitting entrance just taking in the madness that is going on.  They take the dresses from us, hang them up on a rack in the entrance so they can get them out of the plastic bags and unzipped.  We aren't allowed to do that apparently.  Then the Nazi dress lady takes a look at my selections and proceeds to ask me what balls I'm going to.  I tell her the Merry Mates and the Inca's.  She says "Oh well you can't wear this dress to the Inca's." and starts to put it back on the rack. I stopped her and said "That may be the case, but I CAN wear it to the Merry Mates."  The dress had a slit to the knee but it still covered the ankles and went to the floor.  I've been to countless Mardi Gras Balls.  I KNOW what the fuck I can and cannot wear.  She still argues with me "But you can't wear it to the Inca's."  "I can, but even if I CAN'T, I have another dress I can wear to the Inca's." "Well, why don't you try something you can wear to both"  BITCH.  This is where I start to get pissed.  If I want to buy that motherfucking thing to wear to the FLEA MARKET that's MY FUCKING PEROGATIVE!!!  I said, through gritted teeth, that I was trying it on....put it in a room. She rolls her eyes and FINALLY does what I, the paying customer, ask of her.  Meanwhile, there is this OTHER Nazi who is looking at all the dresses that are waiting to be tried on and noticing that "MOTHER OF GOD!  THE ZIPPERS ARE CLOSED!  WHO IS LETTING PEOPLE UNZIP THE DRESSES THEMSELVES??? IF YOU FIND OUT OR SEE THEM, BREAK THEIR ARMS!"  No shit.  This trick said that in front of customers. AMAZING.  So I FINALLY make it to a fitting room and this woman, the arm breaking one, tells me to take off all my rings, earrings, bracelets and watches.  Fine.  I only had on my wedding rings but I obliged and put them in my purse.  Then she tells me to let her know when it's time to zip....because I'm not allowed to do that.  Not 'if you need help with the zipper, let me know' in a helpful type way, but 'I will break your arm if you so much as lay a finger on that zipper'.  Grrr.  Fine.  Then the final straw, she points to this....shower cap thing.....that USED to be white but is now the color of a baby wipe after it has been used on a shitty ass and proceeds to tell me to put that over my face if I have on mascara.  Bitch. You. Are. Tripping.  I will NOT put that nasty germy shit on my face.  God knows how many greasy, herpes ridden faces it has been on and MINE will not be one.  Fuck you.  So I pull on dress one.  Call her to zip it.  She does.  I didn't like it.  It fit (a 12.  Suck it fancy you dress Nazi whore).  But it wasn't flattering and the look on my face said so.  Zipper lady didn't even wait for me to say anything or give me a chance to see the back.  "Yeeeaaahhh....we'll just take this one off."  And unzips it.  What the fuck????  I like honesty, but I didn't ask for her opinion.  So I take that one off and hand it to her to hang up and ZIP, and pull on the other one.  She comes in to ZIP it.  It's very pretty, but too big (size 14....ME-2, size Nazi -0...keep sucking it fancy)  Before I can even make a peep she say's "I don't like this band on the waist." and unzips it.  I just couldn't continue.  I tore that shit off of me, threw it out of the room, put on my clothes and jewelry and stormed the fuck out of there. 

I asked Kristy how her dresses worked and she just kinda wrinkled her nose.  That size Nazi was hovering about so I made a point to inquire about the pink one that there was NO WAY HER FAT ENORMOUS ASS COULD SQUEEZE IN.  She said, thankfully loud enough for the saleswench to hear "It was too big"  We left.  That was THE most awful dress fitting experience of my life.  And I've only been skinny for ONE of my 27 years and that year I didn't EVEN GO TO MARDI GRAS.  That is saying something folks.  That many years of trying to dress this body in a skinny bitches world and THESE ASSHOLES were able to trump EVERY crying spell/emotional breakdown I've EVER had in a dressing room.  Amazing. They should get a plaque from the city for that. Or a citation. 

I was so mad I posted a rant on Facebook immediately and low and behold, SEVEN ladies commented on that post and EVERY ONE OF THEM had something nasty to say about Rosie's.  How is this place still in business??  They could have the perfect dress marked down to $5 and I wouldn't give them a DIME.  Period. Ever. And that will be easy since I WILL NEVER go back there. Madness.  SHEER madness. I felt like Pretty Woman trying to shop on Rodeo Drive except I'm just fat and not an obvious hooker.  One friend even commented that they were racist towards here.  I don't doubt it one bit. 

Thank God the lovely ladies at Rave Review consignment redeemed my faith in sales people.  They were so nice and accommodating and didn't hover.  It was wonderful. I urge all of you to check that place out sometime. The head lady who appears to own/run the place is probably my new favorite person.  I wish I could adopt her.  She was awesome. And every year for the rest of forever, that will be the first place I take my business come gown season.  God bless them.  I even found a dress there.  One that I love.  For below my budget.  Oh happy day.

If any of you have yet to buy your dress this year, I hope you are rich and thin or get to Rave Review before it gets picked over.  Otherwise, God bless you. Skip breakfast and take a prozac before you leave the house.  Or just get a friend to drive you and bring a  fully loaded flask and some kleenex. You're gonna need it.

An Open Letter to Mooches and Lazy People

I am so sick and tired of mooches and lazy people.  Sick. And. Tired.  I remember when I was a kid, there was a stigma attached to collecting any kind of assistance. People were ashamed to seek it and did so in secret and ONLY when they were desperate.  Now it's something people TRY to do.  Whether they need to or not.  Just to get something for nothing.  Because they're lazy.  Or they think they're entitled to it. 
Newsflash.  You are not entitled to SHIT.  Nobody owes you a mother fucking thing.  YOU and YOUR children are YOUR responsibility.  You laid down and made those babies so I don't give a shit if you have you walk the street selling your ass, you'd better put your boots on and get 'er done.  I have a hard enough time providing for MY family, so knowing you are sitting on your lazy ass smoking a fat one watching Oprah and collecting a check while I slave away at my job makes me want to club you like a fucking seal. 
Why are you proud to whip out that government card at Winn Dixie?  I guess because you swipe it with one hand while you hold a brand new IPhone in the other.  You are freshly manicured, have a ring on each finger and have keys to that brand new accord hanging out the back pocket of a pair of $200 dollar jeans. I guess if I was a sorry low life piece of shit that lacked any semblance of moral fiber or personal responsibility I'd be a smug ass about robbing the taxpayers blind and getting off scott free too.
Don't get me wrong. I know some people need help.  I'm all for a hand UP not a hand OUT.  I know shit happens and you are dealt circumstances and will need some help getting on your feet.  Good. That's what the system is in place for.  It is NOT in place, however, for people to LIVE off of for an extended period of time, or so people can sit on their asses and continue to have more freakin babies they can't afford.  I think if you want to collect a check, you have to pass a piss test AND be on some form of extended fool proof birth control.  Like an IUD or Depo shot.  You clearly can't afford the kid(s) you've got and we won't pay for any more. Period. AND if you can't find a job, you need to do volunteer work to earn that free money you get.  There's plenty of shit needs doin.  Put your boots on.
And these assholes that think they deserve brand new cars and big ass houses infuriate me.  They think because their parents live comfortably they should too.  Well fuck our parents have worked for 40 fucking years.  They deserve a new car or home.  They've paid their dues.  YOU, however, are not entitled to that mansion and 2011 gas guzzler.  Yet you buy it anyway and when you go belly up just file bankruptcy and still get to keep your shit.  Ridiculous.  I'd like to set  you on fire. YOU are the reason this fucking economy is in the state its in.  And the reason this dumb ass socialist bastard wants to tax us to death is so the government will have more money to bail out more irresponsible FUCKS like you. 
I can't even put into words how incredibly infuriating it is to write a check to Providence every month while Slutty McWhore bag gets knocked up by John Doe-one-night-stand and gets to have her baby for free.  Why do we reward irresponsible behavior?  WHY?  Why is my reward for being married, employed, insured and having a stable loving home in place before starting a family paying for irresponsible sluts to give birth to more daddyless welfare babies?  Huh?  Why?  Why do they get discounted child care, social security, food stamps, WIC, medicaid and housing assistance for being fucking stupid?? WHY???
I need to just stop before I have a damn stroke.  These people....ugh.  When will it end?  How can we fix it? CAN we fix it?  What happened to working for what you have?  That used to be the greatest sense of accomplishment to work to earn something.  Now its to see how much you can get for free.  It's pathetic.  Our great grandparents are rolling in their graves as everything they stood for gets buried right next to them.  We've got to get back to the old days.  Small government and survival of the fittest.  Let the stupid ones die off and not procreate please?  The way we are set up now we are not only encouraging but FUNDING their breeding. 
*Sigh* The longer I live the more that 2012 mess makes sense.  The Earth and God are fed up with us.  We are a society of evil, selfish, destructive people and the Earth is about to shake us off like a bad case of fleas.  This can't go on forever.  Something's gotta give.

Bad Drivers

Today seems like a good day for a nice rant on people's inability to operate a motor vehicle.  Before I start my bitching, I will go ahead and say a prayer to God and the distributor of karma that I am by no means perfect, so please don't reward my bashing of other people skills with an accident of my own.  Unless you want to run a deer in front of me.  I'll take that.  But please make it a big one.  Not rack, just body.  I need the meat. Amen.
Moving on.  I don't know if people have always been this ridiculous or if I'm just getting less oblivious the older I get.  I do remember my mom calling people hilarious names in the car when I was child so I guess sucky drivers aren't a new development.
Just this week I've encountered the following and they drive. me. insane.
1.  That big ass white line at an intersection, that's where your front bumper goes, not your back tires jackass.  Sometimes I wish I drove a big ass piece of shit derby car so when people do this and I have to turn left around them I could just ram the hell out of them. 
2.  Speeding through residential streets and more specifically MY residential street.  I know its my job to keep my kid out of the road, but still, the speed limit is 30.  Going 50 makes me want to sit on my roof with a sniper rifle and take your ass out.  Since that's illegal I may just sit at the edge of my driveway with a bucket of softballs and lightly toss one in front of your windshield as you pass by.  If you had been going the speed limit, it probably would've just bounced off.  But since you are an asshole going too fast, you now have a giant hole in your windshield and need a new pair of pants.  Haha.
3.  SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT!!!  I cannot even explain the rage I feel when two cars ride side by side on the interstate going 65.  Get out of my f***ing way.  I want to put the pit move on you SO freakin bad and spin your dumb inconsiderate ass off into the median.
4. The whole purpose of the effing turning lane is so you can get in it to slow down/stop without slowing down EVERYBODY behind you.  Don't STOP and THEN move into the turning lane, stupid. 
5.  And speaking of turning, that stick coming out of your steering column is to alert the non-psychics of your intentions.  Use it.
6.  Rattling. Freaking. Trunks.  FORTHELOVEOFGOD.  If I wanted to hear that godawful shit you are listening too.....I'd be sitting in YOUR car.  I don't want to hear your trunk rattling off the hinges and somebody hollering about their ho's and a glock from 4 lanes over.  I would love to end that noise with a blast of buckshot but alas, that is ALSO illegal.  Lucky you.
7.  An extension of the loud ass music.  When you stop in a gas station.  Turn. That. Shit. Off.  Nobody wants to hear it.  You aren't cool.  In fact, I am going to reach in your car, take the keys out and throw that shit in traffic.  Why do you leave your car on anyway?  That is just asking for people to steal it.  I wish somebody would so myself nor my little one would suffer any hearing loss due to your noise.  Thank God my kid can't understand a word of that crap because its sure nothing I want him repeating.  I hate you. 
8.  If I have to even TAP my break....you've pulled out in front of me.  Another moment I wish I was in the derby car.  I'd like to smash your trunk in.
9.  If you can't park it, don't drive it.  Period.
10.  Those mirrors aren't for your vanity.  Try looking for cars in them before you blindly switch lanes.  And how about that blinker?
11.  If I let you out in traffic and you don't offer that little wave of appreciation it makes me want to floor it right into the side of your ungrateful ass.
12.  Although I bitch about people going WAY past the white line at an intersection, please pull ALL THE WAY up too it.  I can't stand when I need to turn right and some jackhole is blocking me in because they are stupid and oblivious and won't pull up 10 feet.
13. Pay attention.  Don't text or put on makeup while driving.  PLEASE.  I'd like to make it home to my family and my family make it home to me.  And if you do wait until you stop at a red light to send that text message, fine.  Thank you.  But you still need to mind the light. Green means GO.  And if I have to sit through this damn thing twice because you are a MORON I'm going to lose. My. Shit.
14. Green may mean GO, but Red means STOP.  90 seconds isn't worth dying over.  I've seen too many accidents end tragically because some dumbass had to floor it to beat the light and ended up smashing into and killing somebody.  That person should be strapped the front of a semi and driven into a brick wall.
15.  Buzzed driving IS drunk driving.  I think if you get busted driving drunk your ass needs to be implanted with some kind of chip that will render a car useless if you come within 2 feet of the steering wheel.  And if you really fuck up and hurt or God forbid kill somebody, the cops should just shoot you right there.  Period.
16. Turn on your fucking lights in the rain, fog and especially at night.  Dumbass.  You may be awesomely gifted with stellar vision and can see just fine thankyouverymuch....it's so OTHER people can see YOU.
17.  You won't flip over if you turn going faster than 5mph.  Get. Out. Of. The. Way.
18.  If you are too scared to go faster than 30 miles per hour then call a damn cab.  I swear EVERY time I get on Dawes I get stuck behind some fucktard going 30 miles per hour and a 6 mile drive that normally takes about 8-10 minutes now takes 20.  I wish I could have some RPG's installed behind my fog lights so I could blow your stupid worthless ass off the road with the touch of a button.  Which is probably why I should never be president.  Iran get an attitude?  Red button.  Pakistan make a threat? Red button. 
19.  I love LOVE it when people block a whole lane of traffic because they are stopped in the road trying to squeeze into the next lane over.  You weren't paying attention.  If you can't get over without inconveniencing somebody else I suggest you just keep driving until you CAN get over, find a place to turn around and try again.  You are fucking up the flow.  Stop it. 
And finally.....the worst of all.
20.  If you hear sirens or see an ambulance...move.  Somewhere. ANYWHERE. When I see people making no effort to yield to emergency response vehicles....oh I cannot even put on screen the level of ill will I wish them.  Thanks to you somebody's stroke has now caused permanent damage, or its taking to long to resuscitate somebody.  Because of YOU. I think firetrucks and ambulances should be outfitted with the above referenced RPG system.

One day, I'm going to lose it. I'm just going to fill up a 5 gallon bucket full of softballs, grab a sharpie and go driving.  I will write things like "Use the blinker WHORE" or "Get off the phone ASSHOLE!"  on the ball and throw it into their window.  Maybe that will get their attention.  Or we could just all carry paintball guns at all times and when somebody commits an offense to you or anybody else, tag them.  Then we will see these cars littered in paint ball marks and know to avoid them.

Pregnant women are people, too

Pregnancy is tough.  It was for me at least. It wasn't the back aches, the weight gain, the heartburn, the leg cramps, the constant pee breaks, the worrying or the clinical insanity.  All of that was a small price to pay for the kicks, hiccups and little fluttering heartbeat that would become my whole entire reason for existence.
It was PEOPLE that make pregnancy intolerable. I've said before that if I could spend my next pregnancy in a bubble I would be totally happy.  It is AMAZING the things that people do and say to pregnant women.  After being one myself, I can testify that this particular rant will need to be published in every Sunday paper from now on.  Period.

1.   Belly touchers.  That shit is not okay.  Don't even ask.  Unless it is a very very close friend or relative, hands off the belly.  Our immune systems are already compromised.  I know the bellies are cute.  Even I get tempted on occasion but I refrain.  Because after having complete strangers in WALMART walk up and rub my belly like I'm lucky fucking Buddha, I refuse to EVER put another woman through that.  It's gross.
2.  Horrid labor stories.  Look bitches.  We are already stressed enough.  Pregnant women do not ever under any circumstances need to hear about your complicated 34 hour labor that literally ripped you a new asshole or that your cousins baby was born without a face.  Seriously??? WHY would you deem this information helpful OR appropriate?  THINK before you speak, dick.
3.  Baby names.  This is an inevitable question.  "What are you going to name him/her?"  I don't care if the mommy-to-be says "Sparkle Carebear Jehovah", the ONLY acceptable answer is "Oh I LOVE IT!"  If you think its the dumbest effing name EVER to exist, you keep that shit to yourself.  I really don't know why you think YOUR opinion of HER child's name would make one fucking bit of difference anyway. "Oh no! The Walmart cashier doesn't find my child's name appropriate.  Better get out the list for a re-do."  Yeah right.  People did this to me before we knew what we were having.   When I thought it was a girl and had a particular name in mind I actually had somebody wrinkle their nose and say "Eww why?"  What the fuck?  Really??
4.  What a pregnant woman eats is NONE of your business. The baby will want what he/she wants and if that is a chocolate covered twinkie for breakfast then so be it.  I had SO many people come up to me while I was eating and say "Should you be eating that?"  "You know fish has mercury."  "Caffeine is bad for the baby."  Ridiculous.  Until I start hammering tequila....you need to keep your fucking mouth shut and worry about YOU.  Whats funny is it was usually giant fat women that would say shit to me.  Would it be appropriate to walk up to a fat lady and say "Um, should you be eating McDonalds?"  No. So why does being pregnant change that rule?
5.  "Don't reach above your head! The chord will wrap around the baby's neck!!" and other wives tales need to be stricken from the English language.  Heartburn does not prove the baby will have hair, more dairy cravings doesn't mean a girl and more meat doesn't mean a boy.  Being HUGE doesn't mean you are having a huge baby.  Hence my 60lb gain and 7lb pounder.  Just stop with the predictions.  It's annoying.
6.  "You should try natural birth.  It's best for the baby."  Don't EVER push your birthing plan opinions on a woman unless you are her doctor.  It is entirely HER decision and she's likely already made up her mind.  If you want to just be nosy, go ahead and ask if she had a plan in mind.  But just like the whole name thing, there is only one acceptable answer and that is "Well I'm sure it will turn out just fine."  Period.
7.  Breast or bottle?  How a woman chooses to nourish her newborn is also on the list of "None of your motherfucking concern".   If she wants to put barley water in a latex glove and feed that baby through the thumb....that's her business.  Who do you think you are to berate a woman for choosing one or the other or quiz her reasoning?  Why is it ANY of your business?  Being a mother is hard enough without assholes like you butting in. If you HAVE to ask, the only motivation behind it should be if you have any helpful advice to offer.  I nursed exclusively AND held a full time job. I had to regularly call up my cousins that nursed for advice and I just want my friends that decide to drive down that path to know my phone is always on if they need me because that shit is hard and you need support.  I can't offer any insight into formula because I never bought the stuff.  But that doesn't make me any better than anybody else.  We are all mothers just doing our best.  Stop the judging.
8.  "Oh my God!  You. Are. HUGE!"  Guess what??  She's pregnant, not blind.  Nobody is more tuned in to the size of her ass than she is.  This comment is so far beyond inappropriate.  You would never say that to a friend if they were just fat from binging on HoHo's would you?  No.  Because it's rude. Same applies here.  The only comment you need to make to a pregnant woman regarding her appearance is "Oh my GOD!  You look freaking adorable/gorgeous/fantastic!"  Period.
9. "Don't pick that up!"  Once again, she is pregnant, not handicapped.  Don't go hollering at her for taking out garbage or picking up a big ass basket of laundry.  We are aware of our physical limitations.  We may have to stand sideways to do laundry or dishes, and we may not be able to shave without knicking an artery, but we can pick up small children and put groceries in the car.  Stop tripping.
10.  Unsolicited advice.  FORTHELOVEOFGOD I think this was the worst one.  "You should do this. Have you thought about that?  Such and such is better that so and so. Get this, not that"  It's never ending.  We encounter numerous strangers DAILY that spout off to us in addition to our own family and friends.  Please spare us the hassle and just shut up.

There is a whole other list of shit that people do to new mommies, like the baby touchers....but I will save that for another day.  Until then, heed this advice.  Please.

10 Things I hate About Walmart

A hateful *FUCK YOU* to Walmart has been a long time coming.  EVERY time I have to go in this place I leave completely ready commit a crime.  And the trouble starts as soon as you pull in the parking lot.
1.  People who hold up traffic for 20 minutes waiting for a parking spot so their lazy asses won't have to walk an extra 15 feet.  These people....I want to floor it into the back of them and push them out of the way.  They will wait for a 90 year old women to unload 2 buggies before they will park 4 spaces down.  Ridiculous.  And ONLY at Walmart.  I never encounter these snitches at Winn Dixie.
2. People who cannot figure out which direction to drive down a lane.  When the damn spaces do this (\\ //) that means you are going the right way.  When they do this (// \\) you are going the WRONG way, and therefore have no reason to be copping an attitude because I won't move over for your dumb ass to get by. 
3. You're parked and walking in.  There are two doors.  One big ass one that says ENTER and another big ass one next to it that says EXIT.  WHY people cannot grasp this concept is beyond me.  You try to go in the correct door and inevitably white trash Wendy and her army of inbred devil children are coming out the enter door in a pack and forcing you off to the side.  This is why government sterilization is probably not SUCH a terrible idea.
4. Ugh the gimpy effing buggies.  Is there ONE buggy that isn't fucked up?
5. People seem to be completely oblivious and it's infuriating.  EVERY time I have to visit the 9th circle of hell that is Walmart I encounter at LEAST one person that blocks 5 feet of shelf by parking their buggy RIGHT on it, then searching the shelf opposite them, therefore blocking the whole aisle.  When you say excuse me, they get all frustrated like I'M the one being the douche. NO trick....it's ALL you.
6. Walmart may be patronized by what appears to be THE dumbest population since the neanderthals, but Walmart Corporate knows their shit.  They know I have to run in there 3 times a week for milk and juice (perhaps I'M the stupid one and should just buy 4 gallons of each at a time.). So they stick the 'staples' at the VERY damn back of the store so I have to pass the toys with a 2 year old in the buggy hollering "LIGHTNING MCQUEEN!!! BUZZ!! BIG TRUCK!!!", and I have to pass all the organizing and kitchen crap that is like crack to me AND I have to pass all those end caps with wine and chips.  Two of the 4 food groups.  The others being cupcakes and cheese.  I WILL cave and get at least ONE thing I'm not supposed too.  Son's of bitches.
7.  Unruly children.  A lot of the Restaurant Rules (see below) can be applied here.  Basically, if they aren't in the buggy, they need to have one hand on the buggy, or they need to be within snatching distance of you.  Kids love to touch EVERYTHING.  I don't get it.  Drives me nuts.  Mine is no different.  But he doesn't touch EVERY box of cereal in the store or EVERY stuffed animal.  Why? Because he is either in the buggy or right under me so I can grab his hands before he spreads his little germs all over everything.  I wish everybody else would follow suit.  I regularly see kids playing hide and seek in the clothing racks, sword fighting in the toy section or dumping over entire displays.  This is unacceptable.  Control your herd please.
8.  And another thing....don't let bad children have control of the buggy.  A few weeks ago I witnessed a mother let her three spawn use the buggy like they were the fucking Jamaican Bobsled team.  One oldest boy, maybe 9 or 10, one middle girl, maybe 7 or 8, and a younger boy, maybe 5 IF that.  The little ones each have one side and the big one has the driver's seat.  They start to run. RUN. Then when they get to an acceptable speed they jump on the buggy and go careening through the store with helpless patrons diving out of the way.  Mom just smiled like they were the cutest trolls under the bridge.  They weren't cute honey. They are going to hurt somebody.  And you need to have your tubes tied like 8 years ago because CLEARLY you are either too stupid or too lazy to handle this parenting thing.
9.  Indecisive bastards in the frozen food section.  Few people covet food like I do so I understand having a hard time choosing just which Ben & Jerry to add to your fat ass this particular week.  There are SO many and they are all SO good.  But some of us are busy and just don't have time for that bullshit or we were so fat and hungry we chose our flavors online before went to the store.  90% of the time, I am the latter. So please move your big ass over for 2 seconds and let me grab my Karamel Sutra and get on with my life.  Same goes for the Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers.  They all suck.  Just pick one and move on.
10.  If you have survived this ordeal thus far and make it to the checkout with your groceries...there are a number of problems you may encounter at this point.  One can be summed up in one statement.  10 items or less means just that.  When I see some lazy entitled bitch walk up to the express checkout with 2 weeks worth of groceries it takes every ounce of my willpower not too grab that bag of frozen chicken from her cart and beat her to death with it.  Another problem is the check writers.  Get a fucking debit card for Christ's sake.  Every time I see somebody whip out that checkbook I die a little inside.  Really?? I can't even believe they still make those things.  They should be freaking outlawed.  Last but certainly not least are the WIC recipients and the couponers.  I don't want to hate on the couponers because I am one, but get your shit together before you go to the store.  Don't bust out your coupon file at the checkout and weed through them to see what you can use.  That's a dick thing to do.  Be prepared, hooker.  And the WIC people.  You know damn good and well beer and cigarettes aren't on the approved list.  Stop wasting our time arguing about it.  It's annoying enough to see you using MY money to provide for YOUR bastard children and then get into your brand new Honda.  Please just quietly get your free peanut butter and cheese and get the fuck out of my way, you lazy scheming mooch.

I'm sure my thoughts and judgements have already earned me a seat on the bus to hell, but stupid people need to be called out or culled from herd.  It's simple as that.  In fact, the whole concept of culling the herd is a favorite topic for my Dear Husband.  Perhaps he will gift me with a guest post on the matter.

Babies are not Bandaids.....

Todays rant brought to you by dumb ass women (girls) who try to trap men with babies.   I don't even know where to start.  Babies. Are. Not. Bandaids.  They will not fix a broken relationship. If anything, they make a relationship harder.  I don't know what kind of fantasy world these tricks live in but they need to come on down to Earth.  They get pregnant, the man is resentful and feels tricked and trapped, then they get huge, sick, whiney, leaky and certifiably insane.  Not a great list of reasons for him to stick around.  And you think that when Jr. gets here its all bliss and hearts and rainbows?? Bull. Shit.  Sure, the baby comes out and for a moment you are overwhelmed with love and happiness.  This feeling may even last a couple days.  Then you get home and reality sets in.  This cute little bundle of joy in now a screaming, pooping stress ball who never freaking sleeps EVER.  And to boot, you are leaking out of every orifice, the house is a wreck, there's nothing to eat, the laundry is now 7 feet high and HOW MANY DIAPERS CAN THIS CHILD USE IN ONE DAY!?!?!   Kids are expensive.  But these bitches don't ever think past delivery. Ever.  They don't think about how much daycare costs (6300 a year, btw), or how expensive diapers are (approximately .30 a piece, minimum of 7-10 a day for the first 6 months, then they use less but the diapers get more expensive so you are looking at approximately 75 bucks a month for the next 3 years or so), or how fast they grow out of all those clothes you got at the baby shower, (2 months, then you have to buy all new crap, and then 2 months later buy MORE stuff, then the seasons change), new toys every other week since they get bored, formula (3500 before their first birthday), and if you are lucky like me and well baby visits aren't covered by insurance, an additional 3200 out of pocket for office visits and required immunizations.  That doesn't count the 4200 that you owe the hospital for the birth.  Folks that is 1000 bucks a month for a kid MINIMUM. And that doesn't include when they get sick and there's another copay, 1/2 day off work, prescription costs AND the additional day you have to stay home and miss 8 hours pay because they can't go to daycare sick (btw...you still have to pay the daycare for that day).  THIS is the shit that needs to be taught in sex ed.  Tell these snitches about episiotomies, huge dark nipples, stretch marks, never leaving the house, how much a babysitter costs IF you can find one you trust with your children and maternity pants with the giant panel for your belly. Not. Sexy. 
So next time you feel like your man is getting a little shifty and you get that desperate feeling, have a glass of wine and take your birth control pill. Please.  We don't need anymore daddyless, emotionally damaged welfare babies.  It takes a strong relationship to survive a newborn and if he's already getting shifty and you aren't even married, a baby will only complicate matters for YOU.  Because when he inevitabley leaves, you are stuck with the baby, the bills AND a large armful of loose skin, saggy boobs and hoohah that will never be the same.  He will be screwing his new, childless piece of ass while you are up for the 3am feeding with nobody to hand you a burp rag. 

Kids in Restaurants

I waited tables at a local restaurant for a few years and therefore I've dealt with alot of assholes. But of all the types that you come across, the worst are people with kids. 
These assholes came into the restaurant and turned their rabid howler monkey children loose to wreak havoc on everybody and everything while they got to eat their meals in peace.  The little bastards tried to sneak in the kitchen, trip up servers carrying trays, take condiments from the stand, dump out salt and pepper on the tables, smear jello into carpets, build forts with sugar packets....it was madness.  I tried not to judge, as I myself wasn't a parent.  I just knew that as a child, had I behaved in such a manner for even ONE SECOND, my mother would have whipped. My. Ass.
But now, I AM a parent....so that has earned me the right to judge away.  And I have a few things to say to these so-called parents.
Here is a list of what you would THINK would be common sense rules in restaurants.
1. Don't let that heathen devil out of your site.  They need to be within smacking distance of you at all times.  Don't let them run loose.  Not just for their safety but for the safety of the staff and other patrons.  I bet your ass will be the first to sue when Jr. knocks over a waitress and gets scalded with the coffee she was carrying.
2.  If they make a mess, you clean it up. I know, you go out to dinner so you don't have to clean.  That's cool.  But there are some duties that are not the responsibility of wait staff.  We should have to clear plates, cups, silverware, napkins, minor spillages and wipe down the tables and seats after you've gone.  Maybe refill the sugar caddies.  However, picking up dirty diapers, scrubbing jello out of the floor, getting entire plates of food out from up under the table, searching for forks that little Betsy chucked in a fit of spoiled rage...these are things YOU need to PREVENT from even happening.  In the event that you FAIL. You need to clean it up.  Period.  Your kid is  YOUR responsibility.  Leaving a 10 ft area of total destruction after one 30 minute meal is unacceptable.
3.  Don't let them anywhere near the salt & pepper shaker, ketchup, hot sauce, sugar caddy OR the menu.   These things are not toys.  If your kid is bored, either entertain them, or bring a toy they can play with quietly at the table.
4.  Do Not. Under ANY circumstances.  Change a diaper. At the table.  I cannot believe I even have to type that.  I don't care if its only #1.  Its gross and unsanitary.  "But the changing station in the bathroom is GROSS."  I'm aware of that.  Take the baby to the car.  Sure it's a bitch but being a parent isn't a fucking cake walk.  Suck it up.
5.  You may be able to tune out your baby screaming bloody murder....but the rest of us cannot.  Take that child outside.  Now.  You do not have the right to disrupt every other patron who is paying for a quiet meal.  But you aren't finished eating??? I don't give a fuck.  Have them box that shit up and take it home with you.  You won't be the first or last parent to eat a cold meal.  I had to reheat my dinner twice last night.  It's part of it.  Deal with it.
6. Don't bring your kid to a restaurant sick.  You'd think this is common sense, but just last week my husband and I went out to eat with our little boy, and this little girl in the booth behind me kept poking her head over the edge, trying to interact with us....with a giant snot rocket pouring out of her nose.  Then she wipes her nose with her hand and puts her hand all over the seat, table, EVERYTHING.  That. Is. Gross.  Keep that child at home.  Either cook, or get takeout for God's sake, you selfcentered fuck.
7.  Which brings me to this one.....do not let your kids bother neighboring patrons.  I don't like your kid.  I don't want to play with him or her or interact with them at all.  I like MY kid....everybody Else's kid is just an annoying germy brat.   Like the above mentioned little girl...who was trying to get my kid to play with her.  It's hard enough keeping your child's attention focused on his race car or coloring book or food and keeping him quiet and calm and not fucking up other peoples dining experience without YOUR kid egging him on.  Can you help out a little and keep Snotty McSnotnose contained please???? 
8.  Toys.  Bring an appropriate toy to to distract the kid please. A see n say would not be on that list.  I don't want to hear a dog say ruff ruff OVER AND OVER.  I've seen people bring remote control cars into restaurants.  For Christs sake people.  Really?  Lets think ahead shall we? I can't stand these toys AT HOME and have small personal celebrations when the batteries die.  Therefore I would NEVER subject the public to such annoyances.
9.  Children in public restrooms.  Wow. The epitome of disgusting.  I know how hard it is to pee and try to wrangle a toddler when  you are on your own in a public potty.  But I manage.  Because regardless of his protest, I had his little arm in my fist and he wasn't going ANYWHERE.  Some parents let their kids crawl ON THE FLOOR in the bathroom.  They peek under stall doors at other people, grab a toilet paper roll and RUN leaving a streamer across the bathroom.  Flush toys down the toilet, stopping it up.  Grab hand fulls of napkins and throw them, pour soap all over the counter.  I'd hate to see inside the homes these little terror suspects come from.  I'd also hate to see them as adults considering the MORONS that are raising them.
10...and finally.  BIG families.  I mean BIG.  The state law in daycare centers is only 6 children per adult.  I wish they'd enforce that crap on the public.  MOST parents that have that many children have a handle on this parenting thing or can't afford to take the whole crew out to supper.  But there was this one family...my God.  They came every Thursday, because it was kids night.  Poor. White. Trash mother.  Never saw the dad.  She had 7 kids.  Foster, adopted and biological.  The biological ones were just like her.  Fat, dirty and smelly with bad manners.  The others had serious behavioral issues, two of them were special needs.  Confined to a wheelchair.  I do pity the poor things.  I do.  So I'm sorry I sound like such a total insensitive prickhead....but if your children are mentally and physically disabled to the point that they are preteens in diapers that can only communicate by wailing and are on feeding tubes and therefore can't even consume solid food....don't bring them to restaurants. Its entirely too much stimuli on their nervous systems and they  freak the fuck out.  And when Mom doesn't even bat an eyelash when the fat one smacks the special one for shrieking and the bad ones are carving their initials in the wooden tables....then we have a problem.


Surprisingly, these are the only major offenses I can come up with at this time.  I'm sure as soon as I hit 'post' 20 more will come to mind.

The New Justice System

This is actually an old rant I posted on MySpace FOREVER ago, but it's worth repeating. I really really wish the powers that be would let me implement and run a national justice system.   I am not a liberal.  I am not about hurt feelings or fairness.  Our jails are overcrowded, the crime rate is through the roof and getting worse by the day, the court system is flooded and people are not being punished accordingly for their crimes.  States will not be able to make their own laws.  There will be the same punishment in California as in Texas....and fast.  No bullshit red tape or extraditions.  If you live in Nebraska and happened to visit Alabama, drink drive hit somebody and run....you can run all you want.  As soon as you get caught...and you WILL get caught...you will be punished right then and there...closest jail possible.  Doesn't matter what state you're in. You will NOT sit in jail for life, eating 3 squares a day and watching Oprah after yard time on my tax dollars.  No sir.  Jail is too fucking easy.  You will be afforded no luxury that the poorest of the poor can not afford.  I'm talking hot meals, tv, air conditioning, heat, nothing. No free education (What a load of bullshit that they even provide that in prison) no therapy or attempted rehabilitation.  No free health care.  Sorry.  If you get shanked in the mess hall I suggest you stuff your drawers in the gash and hope it doesn't get infected because there is no doctor to stitch that shit up.  If you hadn't been a fucking piece of shit and done something to get put in jail in the first place...you wouldn't be bleeding profusely right now, would you???  Nope. There will be no fun in prison.  No basketball.  No weight room. You will get all of the workouts you can handle doing manual labor from the time you get up until the time you go to bed, 18 hours a day.  Picking up trash on the highway.  Scrubbing the toilets at the jail. Or having medical experiments performed on you instead of innocent animals. There will be no 'cooks' on staff in jail. Sorry.  What is there to cook?? All of the local restaurants will scrape what people leave on their plates and any leftovers that can't be served to the public into a big bin and the next morning it will be delivered to the jails.  These bins will be placed on a table and the prisoners will be lined up based on the severity of their crimes.  Lesser fuckups get first dibs on the cold half eaten steak while the armed robbers will be lucky to get what little Timmy half chewed and spit back into his napkin.  And yes, armed robbers will be just about the worst offense in jail.  If you kill or severely hurt somebody, mentally or physically, especially children and animals you will put to death.  And quick.  Executions will be held every Monday in the courthouse parking lot.  We are not wasting any money on ammo either.  Rope is reusable and provides a more slow and painful suffocation.  This will be televised on a channel that is beamed to every damn tv it can reach.  Free for public consumption.  Lesser crimes will be tried according to the laws and the sentences WILL be enforced. No time off for good behavior.  You should have been good in the first place and you wouldn't be in trouble, stupid.  You will either been sent to jail for a time determined by said laws OR you will be put to death the following monday.  No sitting in jail waiting for a bond hearing or even posting bail and waiting 6 months for trial.  You don't get a chance to run.  I understand that some crimes will have to be investigated and they will be.  Persons of interest will have a GPS chip implanted internally.  It will be put somewhere that will make it impossible for the suspect to remove without killing themselves in the process.  You will be tracked 24 hours a day and if you try to leave the country we will be on you like stink on shit.  ANY law enforcement official OR citizen privy to the info can stop you using deadly force if necessary. No jurisdiction laws apply. Any attempt to flee will be considered an admission of guilt and depending on the crime you will either go immediately to jail or you will be executed the following monday.  There are 2 cases in the news this week where the criminals were injured while committing their crimes.  One, this drug addict jackass runs from the cops who try to pull him over for blaring offensive music so loud it shakes the damn pictures off the walls and he crashes into a car carrying a mother who is 7 months pregnant, her 2 year old daughter and another female.  Sadly, the baby was killed.  The mother is currently fighting for her life in the hospital.  The criminal was taken to the hospital for his injuries and is now in metro awaiting a bond hearing.  The second, a meth cook has a lab set up next to his 1 year old daughters play pen.  It explodes and not only injures him, but sets the baby on fire.  She is in the hospital with 3rd degree chemical burns on 50% of her body, fighting for her life.  The cook ran.  Yes.. FLED.  He was later found and is at USA medical receiving treatment for burns.  Do you see a problem here?? Because I sure do.  I am willing to bet money that neither of these sorry excuses for human beings has medical insurance...therefore the exorbitant costs of their treatment is being absorbed by you and I, the taxpayers.  Under my system, they would be carted strait to jail.  Period.  Since one of these cases involved killing a child, and the other causing injury to a child so severe that IF she lives, she will be scarred permanently, they both would be hung on Monday August 31st.  Period.  No medical treatment.  NONE.  Neither deserve a comfy hospital bed, a hot meal or pain medication.  One can sit in jail with a broken collar bone and a concussion until Monday and the other can sit there with 3rd degree burns seething on his body.  I hope they get infected and he dies painfully of septic shock before the weekend is over.  I can assure you that once this system is put into place, the crime rate WILL drop. The 3rd strike law still applies, but mainly for less severe offenses.  You don't get to rape 3 people before we kill you.  That is a one chance situation.  If you commit armed robbery 3 times...your dead...providing you didn't kill anybody in the process the first 2 times. I have known 4 people just in the last 3 months that have been hit by uninsured motorist. First of all, you will not get to keep your drivers license if you fail to graduate high school or get your GED.  You will be required to prove you have a drivers license and sufficient insurance to get your car tag.  If you don't follow these rules and are caught driving anyway, you go to jail for 2 weeks.  Then I suggest you get your shit together because if you get caught again, you will spend a month.  It seems severe to put somebody to death for driving without a license, so how about the third time, we send you to Africa or the Middle East to participate in armed combat for a minimum of 1 year.  Once you come back, IF you come back, we will give you a drivers license, but you still have to get insurance and a tag or the 2 week process starts all over again.  If you hit somebody and do not have insurance.  Your ass will sit in jail until somebody can come up with the money to repair the damage you caused and pay any medical bills that resulted from the crash.  The victim should not have to file a claim with their own insurance company and risk higher rates because of your negligence.  If nobody can get the money after one month, you will work off the damage.  We will have the most shit jobs that pay very little that the illegal immigrants do now given to you to perform until you work off your debt.  This brings me to illegal immigrants.  You will be caught, you will be sent back to your country of origin.  The 3rd time you sneak back in...you die. Illegal aliens will not be eligible for any social programs or government assistance of any kind.  Especially free health care or education for the children.  I don't care if they were born here.  That doesn't automatically earn you citizenship.  Have as many as you want here, the whole familia will be sent back to Mexico or Cuba or wherever you came from. As for the citizens of America accepting Wic and Medicaid and food stamps and unemployment.  You have to pass a weekly piss test to get your check.  No free rides.  You don't get to sit on your ass and get high all day while I work. This brings me to drug addicts.  The three strike rule applies.  The first time you are caught with illegal drugs (I'm legalizing pot. I don't smoke, but really...who does it hurt?) you will go to jail for 2 weeks and sit in solitary confinement so you can kick your habit.  The 2nd time, you sit for a month.  The third time, you obviously can't be cured.  We will take from our stash of confiscated drugs the drug or drugs of your choice and you can just do them all right there until you overdose and die.  This removes you from the gene pool which is a good thing.  We have got to stop coddling and protecting the stupid people.  Let them kill themselves.  Its called culling the herd.  The sick slow and stupid ones die first and the smart strong healthy ones live to carry on the species.  After people get the message that we mean business and WILL kill your sorry ass and that going to jail is no fucking cakewalk, they may think twice before breaking the law.  If they don't, then they are not the type of people we want walking among us and they won't be missed.  Nor will the crimes they WOULD have committed had we just popped them on the wrist and taken away their video game privileges, which is the current systems usual course of action.  Thank you for your time. Doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside :)