Pregnancy is tough. It was for me at least. It wasn't the back aches, the weight gain, the heartburn, the leg cramps, the constant pee breaks, the worrying or the clinical insanity. All of that was a small price to pay for the kicks, hiccups and little fluttering heartbeat that would become my whole entire reason for existence.
It was PEOPLE that make pregnancy intolerable. I've said before that if I could spend my next pregnancy in a bubble I would be totally happy. It is AMAZING the things that people do and say to pregnant women. After being one myself, I can testify that this particular rant will need to be published in every Sunday paper from now on. Period.
1. Belly touchers. That shit is not okay. Don't even ask. Unless it is a very very close friend or relative, hands off the belly. Our immune systems are already compromised. I know the bellies are cute. Even I get tempted on occasion but I refrain. Because after having complete strangers in WALMART walk up and rub my belly like I'm lucky fucking Buddha, I refuse to EVER put another woman through that. It's gross.
2. Horrid labor stories. Look bitches. We are already stressed enough. Pregnant women do not ever under any circumstances need to hear about your complicated 34 hour labor that literally ripped you a new asshole or that your cousins baby was born without a face. Seriously??? WHY would you deem this information helpful OR appropriate? THINK before you speak, dick.
3. Baby names. This is an inevitable question. "What are you going to name him/her?" I don't care if the mommy-to-be says "Sparkle Carebear Jehovah", the ONLY acceptable answer is "Oh I LOVE IT!" If you think its the dumbest effing name EVER to exist, you keep that shit to yourself. I really don't know why you think YOUR opinion of HER child's name would make one fucking bit of difference anyway. "Oh no! The Walmart cashier doesn't find my child's name appropriate. Better get out the list for a re-do." Yeah right. People did this to me before we knew what we were having. When I thought it was a girl and had a particular name in mind I actually had somebody wrinkle their nose and say "Eww why?" What the fuck? Really??
4. What a pregnant woman eats is NONE of your business. The baby will want what he/she wants and if that is a chocolate covered twinkie for breakfast then so be it. I had SO many people come up to me while I was eating and say "Should you be eating that?" "You know fish has mercury." "Caffeine is bad for the baby." Ridiculous. Until I start hammering tequila....you need to keep your fucking mouth shut and worry about YOU. Whats funny is it was usually giant fat women that would say shit to me. Would it be appropriate to walk up to a fat lady and say "Um, should you be eating McDonalds?" No. So why does being pregnant change that rule?
5. "Don't reach above your head! The chord will wrap around the baby's neck!!" and other wives tales need to be stricken from the English language. Heartburn does not prove the baby will have hair, more dairy cravings doesn't mean a girl and more meat doesn't mean a boy. Being HUGE doesn't mean you are having a huge baby. Hence my 60lb gain and 7lb pounder. Just stop with the predictions. It's annoying.
6. "You should try natural birth. It's best for the baby." Don't EVER push your birthing plan opinions on a woman unless you are her doctor. It is entirely HER decision and she's likely already made up her mind. If you want to just be nosy, go ahead and ask if she had a plan in mind. But just like the whole name thing, there is only one acceptable answer and that is "Well I'm sure it will turn out just fine." Period.
7. Breast or bottle? How a woman chooses to nourish her newborn is also on the list of "None of your motherfucking concern". If she wants to put barley water in a latex glove and feed that baby through the thumb....that's her business. Who do you think you are to berate a woman for choosing one or the other or quiz her reasoning? Why is it ANY of your business? Being a mother is hard enough without assholes like you butting in. If you HAVE to ask, the only motivation behind it should be if you have any helpful advice to offer. I nursed exclusively AND held a full time job. I had to regularly call up my cousins that nursed for advice and I just want my friends that decide to drive down that path to know my phone is always on if they need me because that shit is hard and you need support. I can't offer any insight into formula because I never bought the stuff. But that doesn't make me any better than anybody else. We are all mothers just doing our best. Stop the judging.
8. "Oh my God! You. Are. HUGE!" Guess what?? She's pregnant, not blind. Nobody is more tuned in to the size of her ass than she is. This comment is so far beyond inappropriate. You would never say that to a friend if they were just fat from binging on HoHo's would you? No. Because it's rude. Same applies here. The only comment you need to make to a pregnant woman regarding her appearance is "Oh my GOD! You look freaking adorable/gorgeous/fantastic!" Period.
9. "Don't pick that up!" Once again, she is pregnant, not handicapped. Don't go hollering at her for taking out garbage or picking up a big ass basket of laundry. We are aware of our physical limitations. We may have to stand sideways to do laundry or dishes, and we may not be able to shave without knicking an artery, but we can pick up small children and put groceries in the car. Stop tripping.
10. Unsolicited advice. FORTHELOVEOFGOD I think this was the worst one. "You should do this. Have you thought about that? Such and such is better that so and so. Get this, not that" It's never ending. We encounter numerous strangers DAILY that spout off to us in addition to our own family and friends. Please spare us the hassle and just shut up.
There is a whole other list of shit that people do to new mommies, like the baby touchers....but I will save that for another day. Until then, heed this advice. Please.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
10 Things I hate About Walmart
A hateful *FUCK YOU* to Walmart has been a long time coming. EVERY time I have to go in this place I leave completely ready commit a crime. And the trouble starts as soon as you pull in the parking lot.
1. People who hold up traffic for 20 minutes waiting for a parking spot so their lazy asses won't have to walk an extra 15 feet. These people....I want to floor it into the back of them and push them out of the way. They will wait for a 90 year old women to unload 2 buggies before they will park 4 spaces down. Ridiculous. And ONLY at Walmart. I never encounter these snitches at Winn Dixie.
2. People who cannot figure out which direction to drive down a lane. When the damn spaces do this (\\ //) that means you are going the right way. When they do this (// \\) you are going the WRONG way, and therefore have no reason to be copping an attitude because I won't move over for your dumb ass to get by.
3. You're parked and walking in. There are two doors. One big ass one that says ENTER and another big ass one next to it that says EXIT. WHY people cannot grasp this concept is beyond me. You try to go in the correct door and inevitably white trash Wendy and her army of inbred devil children are coming out the enter door in a pack and forcing you off to the side. This is why government sterilization is probably not SUCH a terrible idea.
4. Ugh the gimpy effing buggies. Is there ONE buggy that isn't fucked up?
5. People seem to be completely oblivious and it's infuriating. EVERY time I have to visit the 9th circle of hell that is Walmart I encounter at LEAST one person that blocks 5 feet of shelf by parking their buggy RIGHT on it, then searching the shelf opposite them, therefore blocking the whole aisle. When you say excuse me, they get all frustrated like I'M the one being the douche. NO trick....it's ALL you.
6. Walmart may be patronized by what appears to be THE dumbest population since the neanderthals, but Walmart Corporate knows their shit. They know I have to run in there 3 times a week for milk and juice (perhaps I'M the stupid one and should just buy 4 gallons of each at a time.). So they stick the 'staples' at the VERY damn back of the store so I have to pass the toys with a 2 year old in the buggy hollering "LIGHTNING MCQUEEN!!! BUZZ!! BIG TRUCK!!!", and I have to pass all the organizing and kitchen crap that is like crack to me AND I have to pass all those end caps with wine and chips. Two of the 4 food groups. The others being cupcakes and cheese. I WILL cave and get at least ONE thing I'm not supposed too. Son's of bitches.
7. Unruly children. A lot of the Restaurant Rules (see below) can be applied here. Basically, if they aren't in the buggy, they need to have one hand on the buggy, or they need to be within snatching distance of you. Kids love to touch EVERYTHING. I don't get it. Drives me nuts. Mine is no different. But he doesn't touch EVERY box of cereal in the store or EVERY stuffed animal. Why? Because he is either in the buggy or right under me so I can grab his hands before he spreads his little germs all over everything. I wish everybody else would follow suit. I regularly see kids playing hide and seek in the clothing racks, sword fighting in the toy section or dumping over entire displays. This is unacceptable. Control your herd please.
8. And another thing....don't let bad children have control of the buggy. A few weeks ago I witnessed a mother let her three spawn use the buggy like they were the fucking Jamaican Bobsled team. One oldest boy, maybe 9 or 10, one middle girl, maybe 7 or 8, and a younger boy, maybe 5 IF that. The little ones each have one side and the big one has the driver's seat. They start to run. RUN. Then when they get to an acceptable speed they jump on the buggy and go careening through the store with helpless patrons diving out of the way. Mom just smiled like they were the cutest trolls under the bridge. They weren't cute honey. They are going to hurt somebody. And you need to have your tubes tied like 8 years ago because CLEARLY you are either too stupid or too lazy to handle this parenting thing.
9. Indecisive bastards in the frozen food section. Few people covet food like I do so I understand having a hard time choosing just which Ben & Jerry to add to your fat ass this particular week. There are SO many and they are all SO good. But some of us are busy and just don't have time for that bullshit or we were so fat and hungry we chose our flavors online before went to the store. 90% of the time, I am the latter. So please move your big ass over for 2 seconds and let me grab my Karamel Sutra and get on with my life. Same goes for the Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers. They all suck. Just pick one and move on.
10. If you have survived this ordeal thus far and make it to the checkout with your groceries...there are a number of problems you may encounter at this point. One can be summed up in one statement. 10 items or less means just that. When I see some lazy entitled bitch walk up to the express checkout with 2 weeks worth of groceries it takes every ounce of my willpower not too grab that bag of frozen chicken from her cart and beat her to death with it. Another problem is the check writers. Get a fucking debit card for Christ's sake. Every time I see somebody whip out that checkbook I die a little inside. Really?? I can't even believe they still make those things. They should be freaking outlawed. Last but certainly not least are the WIC recipients and the couponers. I don't want to hate on the couponers because I am one, but get your shit together before you go to the store. Don't bust out your coupon file at the checkout and weed through them to see what you can use. That's a dick thing to do. Be prepared, hooker. And the WIC people. You know damn good and well beer and cigarettes aren't on the approved list. Stop wasting our time arguing about it. It's annoying enough to see you using MY money to provide for YOUR bastard children and then get into your brand new Honda. Please just quietly get your free peanut butter and cheese and get the fuck out of my way, you lazy scheming mooch.
I'm sure my thoughts and judgements have already earned me a seat on the bus to hell, but stupid people need to be called out or culled from herd. It's simple as that. In fact, the whole concept of culling the herd is a favorite topic for my Dear Husband. Perhaps he will gift me with a guest post on the matter.
1. People who hold up traffic for 20 minutes waiting for a parking spot so their lazy asses won't have to walk an extra 15 feet. These people....I want to floor it into the back of them and push them out of the way. They will wait for a 90 year old women to unload 2 buggies before they will park 4 spaces down. Ridiculous. And ONLY at Walmart. I never encounter these snitches at Winn Dixie.
2. People who cannot figure out which direction to drive down a lane. When the damn spaces do this (\\ //) that means you are going the right way. When they do this (// \\) you are going the WRONG way, and therefore have no reason to be copping an attitude because I won't move over for your dumb ass to get by.
3. You're parked and walking in. There are two doors. One big ass one that says ENTER and another big ass one next to it that says EXIT. WHY people cannot grasp this concept is beyond me. You try to go in the correct door and inevitably white trash Wendy and her army of inbred devil children are coming out the enter door in a pack and forcing you off to the side. This is why government sterilization is probably not SUCH a terrible idea.
4. Ugh the gimpy effing buggies. Is there ONE buggy that isn't fucked up?
5. People seem to be completely oblivious and it's infuriating. EVERY time I have to visit the 9th circle of hell that is Walmart I encounter at LEAST one person that blocks 5 feet of shelf by parking their buggy RIGHT on it, then searching the shelf opposite them, therefore blocking the whole aisle. When you say excuse me, they get all frustrated like I'M the one being the douche. NO trick....it's ALL you.
6. Walmart may be patronized by what appears to be THE dumbest population since the neanderthals, but Walmart Corporate knows their shit. They know I have to run in there 3 times a week for milk and juice (perhaps I'M the stupid one and should just buy 4 gallons of each at a time.). So they stick the 'staples' at the VERY damn back of the store so I have to pass the toys with a 2 year old in the buggy hollering "LIGHTNING MCQUEEN!!! BUZZ!! BIG TRUCK!!!", and I have to pass all the organizing and kitchen crap that is like crack to me AND I have to pass all those end caps with wine and chips. Two of the 4 food groups. The others being cupcakes and cheese. I WILL cave and get at least ONE thing I'm not supposed too. Son's of bitches.
7. Unruly children. A lot of the Restaurant Rules (see below) can be applied here. Basically, if they aren't in the buggy, they need to have one hand on the buggy, or they need to be within snatching distance of you. Kids love to touch EVERYTHING. I don't get it. Drives me nuts. Mine is no different. But he doesn't touch EVERY box of cereal in the store or EVERY stuffed animal. Why? Because he is either in the buggy or right under me so I can grab his hands before he spreads his little germs all over everything. I wish everybody else would follow suit. I regularly see kids playing hide and seek in the clothing racks, sword fighting in the toy section or dumping over entire displays. This is unacceptable. Control your herd please.
8. And another thing....don't let bad children have control of the buggy. A few weeks ago I witnessed a mother let her three spawn use the buggy like they were the fucking Jamaican Bobsled team. One oldest boy, maybe 9 or 10, one middle girl, maybe 7 or 8, and a younger boy, maybe 5 IF that. The little ones each have one side and the big one has the driver's seat. They start to run. RUN. Then when they get to an acceptable speed they jump on the buggy and go careening through the store with helpless patrons diving out of the way. Mom just smiled like they were the cutest trolls under the bridge. They weren't cute honey. They are going to hurt somebody. And you need to have your tubes tied like 8 years ago because CLEARLY you are either too stupid or too lazy to handle this parenting thing.
9. Indecisive bastards in the frozen food section. Few people covet food like I do so I understand having a hard time choosing just which Ben & Jerry to add to your fat ass this particular week. There are SO many and they are all SO good. But some of us are busy and just don't have time for that bullshit or we were so fat and hungry we chose our flavors online before went to the store. 90% of the time, I am the latter. So please move your big ass over for 2 seconds and let me grab my Karamel Sutra and get on with my life. Same goes for the Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers. They all suck. Just pick one and move on.
10. If you have survived this ordeal thus far and make it to the checkout with your groceries...there are a number of problems you may encounter at this point. One can be summed up in one statement. 10 items or less means just that. When I see some lazy entitled bitch walk up to the express checkout with 2 weeks worth of groceries it takes every ounce of my willpower not too grab that bag of frozen chicken from her cart and beat her to death with it. Another problem is the check writers. Get a fucking debit card for Christ's sake. Every time I see somebody whip out that checkbook I die a little inside. Really?? I can't even believe they still make those things. They should be freaking outlawed. Last but certainly not least are the WIC recipients and the couponers. I don't want to hate on the couponers because I am one, but get your shit together before you go to the store. Don't bust out your coupon file at the checkout and weed through them to see what you can use. That's a dick thing to do. Be prepared, hooker. And the WIC people. You know damn good and well beer and cigarettes aren't on the approved list. Stop wasting our time arguing about it. It's annoying enough to see you using MY money to provide for YOUR bastard children and then get into your brand new Honda. Please just quietly get your free peanut butter and cheese and get the fuck out of my way, you lazy scheming mooch.
I'm sure my thoughts and judgements have already earned me a seat on the bus to hell, but stupid people need to be called out or culled from herd. It's simple as that. In fact, the whole concept of culling the herd is a favorite topic for my Dear Husband. Perhaps he will gift me with a guest post on the matter.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Babies are not Bandaids.....
Todays rant brought to you by dumb ass women (girls) who try to trap men with babies. I don't even know where to start. Babies. Are. Not. Bandaids. They will not fix a broken relationship. If anything, they make a relationship harder. I don't know what kind of fantasy world these tricks live in but they need to come on down to Earth. They get pregnant, the man is resentful and feels tricked and trapped, then they get huge, sick, whiney, leaky and certifiably insane. Not a great list of reasons for him to stick around. And you think that when Jr. gets here its all bliss and hearts and rainbows?? Bull. Shit. Sure, the baby comes out and for a moment you are overwhelmed with love and happiness. This feeling may even last a couple days. Then you get home and reality sets in. This cute little bundle of joy in now a screaming, pooping stress ball who never freaking sleeps EVER. And to boot, you are leaking out of every orifice, the house is a wreck, there's nothing to eat, the laundry is now 7 feet high and HOW MANY DIAPERS CAN THIS CHILD USE IN ONE DAY!?!?! Kids are expensive. But these bitches don't ever think past delivery. Ever. They don't think about how much daycare costs (6300 a year, btw), or how expensive diapers are (approximately .30 a piece, minimum of 7-10 a day for the first 6 months, then they use less but the diapers get more expensive so you are looking at approximately 75 bucks a month for the next 3 years or so), or how fast they grow out of all those clothes you got at the baby shower, (2 months, then you have to buy all new crap, and then 2 months later buy MORE stuff, then the seasons change), new toys every other week since they get bored, formula (3500 before their first birthday), and if you are lucky like me and well baby visits aren't covered by insurance, an additional 3200 out of pocket for office visits and required immunizations. That doesn't count the 4200 that you owe the hospital for the birth. Folks that is 1000 bucks a month for a kid MINIMUM. And that doesn't include when they get sick and there's another copay, 1/2 day off work, prescription costs AND the additional day you have to stay home and miss 8 hours pay because they can't go to daycare sick (btw...you still have to pay the daycare for that day). THIS is the shit that needs to be taught in sex ed. Tell these snitches about episiotomies, huge dark nipples, stretch marks, never leaving the house, how much a babysitter costs IF you can find one you trust with your children and maternity pants with the giant panel for your belly. Not. Sexy.
So next time you feel like your man is getting a little shifty and you get that desperate feeling, have a glass of wine and take your birth control pill. Please. We don't need anymore daddyless, emotionally damaged welfare babies. It takes a strong relationship to survive a newborn and if he's already getting shifty and you aren't even married, a baby will only complicate matters for YOU. Because when he inevitabley leaves, you are stuck with the baby, the bills AND a large armful of loose skin, saggy boobs and hoohah that will never be the same. He will be screwing his new, childless piece of ass while you are up for the 3am feeding with nobody to hand you a burp rag.
So next time you feel like your man is getting a little shifty and you get that desperate feeling, have a glass of wine and take your birth control pill. Please. We don't need anymore daddyless, emotionally damaged welfare babies. It takes a strong relationship to survive a newborn and if he's already getting shifty and you aren't even married, a baby will only complicate matters for YOU. Because when he inevitabley leaves, you are stuck with the baby, the bills AND a large armful of loose skin, saggy boobs and hoohah that will never be the same. He will be screwing his new, childless piece of ass while you are up for the 3am feeding with nobody to hand you a burp rag.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Kids in Restaurants
I waited tables at a local restaurant for a few years and therefore I've dealt with alot of assholes. But of all the types that you come across, the worst are people with kids.
These assholes came into the restaurant and turned their rabid howler monkey children loose to wreak havoc on everybody and everything while they got to eat their meals in peace. The little bastards tried to sneak in the kitchen, trip up servers carrying trays, take condiments from the stand, dump out salt and pepper on the tables, smear jello into carpets, build forts with sugar packets....it was madness. I tried not to judge, as I myself wasn't a parent. I just knew that as a child, had I behaved in such a manner for even ONE SECOND, my mother would have whipped. My. Ass.
But now, I AM a parent....so that has earned me the right to judge away. And I have a few things to say to these so-called parents.
Here is a list of what you would THINK would be common sense rules in restaurants.
1. Don't let that heathen devil out of your site. They need to be within smacking distance of you at all times. Don't let them run loose. Not just for their safety but for the safety of the staff and other patrons. I bet your ass will be the first to sue when Jr. knocks over a waitress and gets scalded with the coffee she was carrying.
2. If they make a mess, you clean it up. I know, you go out to dinner so you don't have to clean. That's cool. But there are some duties that are not the responsibility of wait staff. We should have to clear plates, cups, silverware, napkins, minor spillages and wipe down the tables and seats after you've gone. Maybe refill the sugar caddies. However, picking up dirty diapers, scrubbing jello out of the floor, getting entire plates of food out from up under the table, searching for forks that little Betsy chucked in a fit of spoiled rage...these are things YOU need to PREVENT from even happening. In the event that you FAIL. You need to clean it up. Period. Your kid is YOUR responsibility. Leaving a 10 ft area of total destruction after one 30 minute meal is unacceptable.
3. Don't let them anywhere near the salt & pepper shaker, ketchup, hot sauce, sugar caddy OR the menu. These things are not toys. If your kid is bored, either entertain them, or bring a toy they can play with quietly at the table.
4. Do Not. Under ANY circumstances. Change a diaper. At the table. I cannot believe I even have to type that. I don't care if its only #1. Its gross and unsanitary. "But the changing station in the bathroom is GROSS." I'm aware of that. Take the baby to the car. Sure it's a bitch but being a parent isn't a fucking cake walk. Suck it up.
5. You may be able to tune out your baby screaming bloody murder....but the rest of us cannot. Take that child outside. Now. You do not have the right to disrupt every other patron who is paying for a quiet meal. But you aren't finished eating??? I don't give a fuck. Have them box that shit up and take it home with you. You won't be the first or last parent to eat a cold meal. I had to reheat my dinner twice last night. It's part of it. Deal with it.
6. Don't bring your kid to a restaurant sick. You'd think this is common sense, but just last week my husband and I went out to eat with our little boy, and this little girl in the booth behind me kept poking her head over the edge, trying to interact with us....with a giant snot rocket pouring out of her nose. Then she wipes her nose with her hand and puts her hand all over the seat, table, EVERYTHING. That. Is. Gross. Keep that child at home. Either cook, or get takeout for God's sake, you selfcentered fuck.
7. Which brings me to this one.....do not let your kids bother neighboring patrons. I don't like your kid. I don't want to play with him or her or interact with them at all. I like MY kid....everybody Else's kid is just an annoying germy brat. Like the above mentioned little girl...who was trying to get my kid to play with her. It's hard enough keeping your child's attention focused on his race car or coloring book or food and keeping him quiet and calm and not fucking up other peoples dining experience without YOUR kid egging him on. Can you help out a little and keep Snotty McSnotnose contained please????
8. Toys. Bring an appropriate toy to to distract the kid please. A see n say would not be on that list. I don't want to hear a dog say ruff ruff OVER AND OVER. I've seen people bring remote control cars into restaurants. For Christs sake people. Really? Lets think ahead shall we? I can't stand these toys AT HOME and have small personal celebrations when the batteries die. Therefore I would NEVER subject the public to such annoyances.
9. Children in public restrooms. Wow. The epitome of disgusting. I know how hard it is to pee and try to wrangle a toddler when you are on your own in a public potty. But I manage. Because regardless of his protest, I had his little arm in my fist and he wasn't going ANYWHERE. Some parents let their kids crawl ON THE FLOOR in the bathroom. They peek under stall doors at other people, grab a toilet paper roll and RUN leaving a streamer across the bathroom. Flush toys down the toilet, stopping it up. Grab hand fulls of napkins and throw them, pour soap all over the counter. I'd hate to see inside the homes these little terror suspects come from. I'd also hate to see them as adults considering the MORONS that are raising them.
10...and finally. BIG families. I mean BIG. The state law in daycare centers is only 6 children per adult. I wish they'd enforce that crap on the public. MOST parents that have that many children have a handle on this parenting thing or can't afford to take the whole crew out to supper. But there was this one family...my God. They came every Thursday, because it was kids night. Poor. White. Trash mother. Never saw the dad. She had 7 kids. Foster, adopted and biological. The biological ones were just like her. Fat, dirty and smelly with bad manners. The others had serious behavioral issues, two of them were special needs. Confined to a wheelchair. I do pity the poor things. I do. So I'm sorry I sound like such a total insensitive prickhead....but if your children are mentally and physically disabled to the point that they are preteens in diapers that can only communicate by wailing and are on feeding tubes and therefore can't even consume solid food....don't bring them to restaurants. Its entirely too much stimuli on their nervous systems and they freak the fuck out. And when Mom doesn't even bat an eyelash when the fat one smacks the special one for shrieking and the bad ones are carving their initials in the wooden tables....then we have a problem.
Surprisingly, these are the only major offenses I can come up with at this time. I'm sure as soon as I hit 'post' 20 more will come to mind.
These assholes came into the restaurant and turned their rabid howler monkey children loose to wreak havoc on everybody and everything while they got to eat their meals in peace. The little bastards tried to sneak in the kitchen, trip up servers carrying trays, take condiments from the stand, dump out salt and pepper on the tables, smear jello into carpets, build forts with sugar packets....it was madness. I tried not to judge, as I myself wasn't a parent. I just knew that as a child, had I behaved in such a manner for even ONE SECOND, my mother would have whipped. My. Ass.
But now, I AM a parent....so that has earned me the right to judge away. And I have a few things to say to these so-called parents.
Here is a list of what you would THINK would be common sense rules in restaurants.
1. Don't let that heathen devil out of your site. They need to be within smacking distance of you at all times. Don't let them run loose. Not just for their safety but for the safety of the staff and other patrons. I bet your ass will be the first to sue when Jr. knocks over a waitress and gets scalded with the coffee she was carrying.
2. If they make a mess, you clean it up. I know, you go out to dinner so you don't have to clean. That's cool. But there are some duties that are not the responsibility of wait staff. We should have to clear plates, cups, silverware, napkins, minor spillages and wipe down the tables and seats after you've gone. Maybe refill the sugar caddies. However, picking up dirty diapers, scrubbing jello out of the floor, getting entire plates of food out from up under the table, searching for forks that little Betsy chucked in a fit of spoiled rage...these are things YOU need to PREVENT from even happening. In the event that you FAIL. You need to clean it up. Period. Your kid is YOUR responsibility. Leaving a 10 ft area of total destruction after one 30 minute meal is unacceptable.
3. Don't let them anywhere near the salt & pepper shaker, ketchup, hot sauce, sugar caddy OR the menu. These things are not toys. If your kid is bored, either entertain them, or bring a toy they can play with quietly at the table.
4. Do Not. Under ANY circumstances. Change a diaper. At the table. I cannot believe I even have to type that. I don't care if its only #1. Its gross and unsanitary. "But the changing station in the bathroom is GROSS." I'm aware of that. Take the baby to the car. Sure it's a bitch but being a parent isn't a fucking cake walk. Suck it up.
5. You may be able to tune out your baby screaming bloody murder....but the rest of us cannot. Take that child outside. Now. You do not have the right to disrupt every other patron who is paying for a quiet meal. But you aren't finished eating??? I don't give a fuck. Have them box that shit up and take it home with you. You won't be the first or last parent to eat a cold meal. I had to reheat my dinner twice last night. It's part of it. Deal with it.
6. Don't bring your kid to a restaurant sick. You'd think this is common sense, but just last week my husband and I went out to eat with our little boy, and this little girl in the booth behind me kept poking her head over the edge, trying to interact with us....with a giant snot rocket pouring out of her nose. Then she wipes her nose with her hand and puts her hand all over the seat, table, EVERYTHING. That. Is. Gross. Keep that child at home. Either cook, or get takeout for God's sake, you selfcentered fuck.
7. Which brings me to this one.....do not let your kids bother neighboring patrons. I don't like your kid. I don't want to play with him or her or interact with them at all. I like MY kid....everybody Else's kid is just an annoying germy brat. Like the above mentioned little girl...who was trying to get my kid to play with her. It's hard enough keeping your child's attention focused on his race car or coloring book or food and keeping him quiet and calm and not fucking up other peoples dining experience without YOUR kid egging him on. Can you help out a little and keep Snotty McSnotnose contained please????
8. Toys. Bring an appropriate toy to to distract the kid please. A see n say would not be on that list. I don't want to hear a dog say ruff ruff OVER AND OVER. I've seen people bring remote control cars into restaurants. For Christs sake people. Really? Lets think ahead shall we? I can't stand these toys AT HOME and have small personal celebrations when the batteries die. Therefore I would NEVER subject the public to such annoyances.
9. Children in public restrooms. Wow. The epitome of disgusting. I know how hard it is to pee and try to wrangle a toddler when you are on your own in a public potty. But I manage. Because regardless of his protest, I had his little arm in my fist and he wasn't going ANYWHERE. Some parents let their kids crawl ON THE FLOOR in the bathroom. They peek under stall doors at other people, grab a toilet paper roll and RUN leaving a streamer across the bathroom. Flush toys down the toilet, stopping it up. Grab hand fulls of napkins and throw them, pour soap all over the counter. I'd hate to see inside the homes these little terror suspects come from. I'd also hate to see them as adults considering the MORONS that are raising them.
10...and finally. BIG families. I mean BIG. The state law in daycare centers is only 6 children per adult. I wish they'd enforce that crap on the public. MOST parents that have that many children have a handle on this parenting thing or can't afford to take the whole crew out to supper. But there was this one family...my God. They came every Thursday, because it was kids night. Poor. White. Trash mother. Never saw the dad. She had 7 kids. Foster, adopted and biological. The biological ones were just like her. Fat, dirty and smelly with bad manners. The others had serious behavioral issues, two of them were special needs. Confined to a wheelchair. I do pity the poor things. I do. So I'm sorry I sound like such a total insensitive prickhead....but if your children are mentally and physically disabled to the point that they are preteens in diapers that can only communicate by wailing and are on feeding tubes and therefore can't even consume solid food....don't bring them to restaurants. Its entirely too much stimuli on their nervous systems and they freak the fuck out. And when Mom doesn't even bat an eyelash when the fat one smacks the special one for shrieking and the bad ones are carving their initials in the wooden tables....then we have a problem.
Surprisingly, these are the only major offenses I can come up with at this time. I'm sure as soon as I hit 'post' 20 more will come to mind.
Friday, January 14, 2011
The New Justice System
| This is actually an old rant I posted on MySpace FOREVER ago, but it's worth repeating. I really really wish the powers that be would let me implement and run a national justice system. I am not a liberal. I am not about hurt feelings or fairness. Our jails are overcrowded, the crime rate is through the roof and getting worse by the day, the court system is flooded and people are not being punished accordingly for their crimes. States will not be able to make their own laws. There will be the same punishment in California as in Texas....and fast. No bullshit red tape or extraditions. If you live in Nebraska and happened to visit Alabama, drink drive hit somebody and run....you can run all you want. As soon as you get caught...and you WILL get caught...you will be punished right then and there...closest jail possible. Doesn't matter what state you're in. You will NOT sit in jail for life, eating 3 squares a day and watching Oprah after yard time on my tax dollars. No sir. Jail is too fucking easy. You will be afforded no luxury that the poorest of the poor can not afford. I'm talking hot meals, tv, air conditioning, heat, nothing. No free education (What a load of bullshit that they even provide that in prison) no therapy or attempted rehabilitation. No free health care. Sorry. If you get shanked in the mess hall I suggest you stuff your drawers in the gash and hope it doesn't get infected because there is no doctor to stitch that shit up. If you hadn't been a fucking piece of shit and done something to get put in jail in the first place...you wouldn't be bleeding profusely right now, would you??? Nope. There will be no fun in prison. No basketball. No weight room. You will get all of the workouts you can handle doing manual labor from the time you get up until the time you go to bed, 18 hours a day. Picking up trash on the highway. Scrubbing the toilets at the jail. Or having medical experiments performed on you instead of innocent animals. There will be no 'cooks' on staff in jail. Sorry. What is there to cook?? All of the local restaurants will scrape what people leave on their plates and any leftovers that can't be served to the public into a big bin and the next morning it will be delivered to the jails. These bins will be placed on a table and the prisoners will be lined up based on the severity of their crimes. Lesser fuckups get first dibs on the cold half eaten steak while the armed robbers will be lucky to get what little Timmy half chewed and spit back into his napkin. And yes, armed robbers will be just about the worst offense in jail. If you kill or severely hurt somebody, mentally or physically, especially children and animals you will put to death. And quick. Executions will be held every Monday in the courthouse parking lot. We are not wasting any money on ammo either. Rope is reusable and provides a more slow and painful suffocation. This will be televised on a channel that is beamed to every damn tv it can reach. Free for public consumption. Lesser crimes will be tried according to the laws and the sentences WILL be enforced. No time off for good behavior. You should have been good in the first place and you wouldn't be in trouble, stupid. You will either been sent to jail for a time determined by said laws OR you will be put to death the following monday. No sitting in jail waiting for a bond hearing or even posting bail and waiting 6 months for trial. You don't get a chance to run. I understand that some crimes will have to be investigated and they will be. Persons of interest will have a GPS chip implanted internally. It will be put somewhere that will make it impossible for the suspect to remove without killing themselves in the process. You will be tracked 24 hours a day and if you try to leave the country we will be on you like stink on shit. ANY law enforcement official OR citizen privy to the info can stop you using deadly force if necessary. No jurisdiction laws apply. Any attempt to flee will be considered an admission of guilt and depending on the crime you will either go immediately to jail or you will be executed the following monday. There are 2 cases in the news this week where the criminals were injured while committing their crimes. One, this drug addict jackass runs from the cops who try to pull him over for blaring offensive music so loud it shakes the damn pictures off the walls and he crashes into a car carrying a mother who is 7 months pregnant, her 2 year old daughter and another female. Sadly, the baby was killed. The mother is currently fighting for her life in the hospital. The criminal was taken to the hospital for his injuries and is now in metro awaiting a bond hearing. The second, a meth cook has a lab set up next to his 1 year old daughters play pen. It explodes and not only injures him, but sets the baby on fire. She is in the hospital with 3rd degree chemical burns on 50% of her body, fighting for her life. The cook ran. Yes.. FLED. He was later found and is at USA medical receiving treatment for burns. Do you see a problem here?? Because I sure do. I am willing to bet money that neither of these sorry excuses for human beings has medical insurance...therefore the exorbitant costs of their treatment is being absorbed by you and I, the taxpayers. Under my system, they would be carted strait to jail. Period. Since one of these cases involved killing a child, and the other causing injury to a child so severe that IF she lives, she will be scarred permanently, they both would be hung on Monday August 31st. Period. No medical treatment. NONE. Neither deserve a comfy hospital bed, a hot meal or pain medication. One can sit in jail with a broken collar bone and a concussion until Monday and the other can sit there with 3rd degree burns seething on his body. I hope they get infected and he dies painfully of septic shock before the weekend is over. I can assure you that once this system is put into place, the crime rate WILL drop. The 3rd strike law still applies, but mainly for less severe offenses. You don't get to rape 3 people before we kill you. That is a one chance situation. If you commit armed robbery 3 times...your dead...providing you didn't kill anybody in the process the first 2 times. I have known 4 people just in the last 3 months that have been hit by uninsured motorist. First of all, you will not get to keep your drivers license if you fail to graduate high school or get your GED. You will be required to prove you have a drivers license and sufficient insurance to get your car tag. If you don't follow these rules and are caught driving anyway, you go to jail for 2 weeks. Then I suggest you get your shit together because if you get caught again, you will spend a month. It seems severe to put somebody to death for driving without a license, so how about the third time, we send you to Africa or the Middle East to participate in armed combat for a minimum of 1 year. Once you come back, IF you come back, we will give you a drivers license, but you still have to get insurance and a tag or the 2 week process starts all over again. If you hit somebody and do not have insurance. Your ass will sit in jail until somebody can come up with the money to repair the damage you caused and pay any medical bills that resulted from the crash. The victim should not have to file a claim with their own insurance company and risk higher rates because of your negligence. If nobody can get the money after one month, you will work off the damage. We will have the most shit jobs that pay very little that the illegal immigrants do now given to you to perform until you work off your debt. This brings me to illegal immigrants. You will be caught, you will be sent back to your country of origin. The 3rd time you sneak back in...you die. Illegal aliens will not be eligible for any social programs or government assistance of any kind. Especially free health care or education for the children. I don't care if they were born here. That doesn't automatically earn you citizenship. Have as many as you want here, the whole familia will be sent back to Mexico or Cuba or wherever you came from. As for the citizens of America accepting Wic and Medicaid and food stamps and unemployment. You have to pass a weekly piss test to get your check. No free rides. You don't get to sit on your ass and get high all day while I work. This brings me to drug addicts. The three strike rule applies. The first time you are caught with illegal drugs (I'm legalizing pot. I don't smoke, but really...who does it hurt?) you will go to jail for 2 weeks and sit in solitary confinement so you can kick your habit. The 2nd time, you sit for a month. The third time, you obviously can't be cured. We will take from our stash of confiscated drugs the drug or drugs of your choice and you can just do them all right there until you overdose and die. This removes you from the gene pool which is a good thing. We have got to stop coddling and protecting the stupid people. Let them kill themselves. Its called culling the herd. The sick slow and stupid ones die first and the smart strong healthy ones live to carry on the species. After people get the message that we mean business and WILL kill your sorry ass and that going to jail is no fucking cakewalk, they may think twice before breaking the law. If they don't, then they are not the type of people we want walking among us and they won't be missed. Nor will the crimes they WOULD have committed had we just popped them on the wrist and taken away their video game privileges, which is the current systems usual course of action. Thank you for your time. Doesn't it just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside :) |
Thursday, January 13, 2011
MY FIRST POST (happy dance)
I've been told repeatedly to start a blog because of my occasional rants on Facebook. To be quite frank...a lot of shit just pisses me off and I like to bitch about it. It makes me happy. Hence the title. I'm sure I will find all kinds of material to fill this thing slap up just by leaving my house every day.
Please do not take any threats of violence here seriously. I am incapable of hurting anyone or anything. My bark can be bad but my bite is non-existent. Saying "I'd like to shank that whore" is just that....a saying. I would never do it, but I say it probably 5 times a day. Do not take me seriously. Ever.
Another disclaimer....I have a filthy mouth, especially when I'm pissed, which will be most of the time I'm here. You have been warned.
So with that said....let's get to it. Shall we?
Please do not take any threats of violence here seriously. I am incapable of hurting anyone or anything. My bark can be bad but my bite is non-existent. Saying "I'd like to shank that whore" is just that....a saying. I would never do it, but I say it probably 5 times a day. Do not take me seriously. Ever.
Another disclaimer....I have a filthy mouth, especially when I'm pissed, which will be most of the time I'm here. You have been warned.
So with that said....let's get to it. Shall we?
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