10 Things I hate About Walmart

A hateful *FUCK YOU* to Walmart has been a long time coming.  EVERY time I have to go in this place I leave completely ready commit a crime.  And the trouble starts as soon as you pull in the parking lot.
1.  People who hold up traffic for 20 minutes waiting for a parking spot so their lazy asses won't have to walk an extra 15 feet.  These people....I want to floor it into the back of them and push them out of the way.  They will wait for a 90 year old women to unload 2 buggies before they will park 4 spaces down.  Ridiculous.  And ONLY at Walmart.  I never encounter these snitches at Winn Dixie.
2. People who cannot figure out which direction to drive down a lane.  When the damn spaces do this (\\ //) that means you are going the right way.  When they do this (// \\) you are going the WRONG way, and therefore have no reason to be copping an attitude because I won't move over for your dumb ass to get by. 
3. You're parked and walking in.  There are two doors.  One big ass one that says ENTER and another big ass one next to it that says EXIT.  WHY people cannot grasp this concept is beyond me.  You try to go in the correct door and inevitably white trash Wendy and her army of inbred devil children are coming out the enter door in a pack and forcing you off to the side.  This is why government sterilization is probably not SUCH a terrible idea.
4. Ugh the gimpy effing buggies.  Is there ONE buggy that isn't fucked up?
5. People seem to be completely oblivious and it's infuriating.  EVERY time I have to visit the 9th circle of hell that is Walmart I encounter at LEAST one person that blocks 5 feet of shelf by parking their buggy RIGHT on it, then searching the shelf opposite them, therefore blocking the whole aisle.  When you say excuse me, they get all frustrated like I'M the one being the douche. NO trick....it's ALL you.
6. Walmart may be patronized by what appears to be THE dumbest population since the neanderthals, but Walmart Corporate knows their shit.  They know I have to run in there 3 times a week for milk and juice (perhaps I'M the stupid one and should just buy 4 gallons of each at a time.). So they stick the 'staples' at the VERY damn back of the store so I have to pass the toys with a 2 year old in the buggy hollering "LIGHTNING MCQUEEN!!! BUZZ!! BIG TRUCK!!!", and I have to pass all the organizing and kitchen crap that is like crack to me AND I have to pass all those end caps with wine and chips.  Two of the 4 food groups.  The others being cupcakes and cheese.  I WILL cave and get at least ONE thing I'm not supposed too.  Son's of bitches.
7.  Unruly children.  A lot of the Restaurant Rules (see below) can be applied here.  Basically, if they aren't in the buggy, they need to have one hand on the buggy, or they need to be within snatching distance of you.  Kids love to touch EVERYTHING.  I don't get it.  Drives me nuts.  Mine is no different.  But he doesn't touch EVERY box of cereal in the store or EVERY stuffed animal.  Why? Because he is either in the buggy or right under me so I can grab his hands before he spreads his little germs all over everything.  I wish everybody else would follow suit.  I regularly see kids playing hide and seek in the clothing racks, sword fighting in the toy section or dumping over entire displays.  This is unacceptable.  Control your herd please.
8.  And another thing....don't let bad children have control of the buggy.  A few weeks ago I witnessed a mother let her three spawn use the buggy like they were the fucking Jamaican Bobsled team.  One oldest boy, maybe 9 or 10, one middle girl, maybe 7 or 8, and a younger boy, maybe 5 IF that.  The little ones each have one side and the big one has the driver's seat.  They start to run. RUN. Then when they get to an acceptable speed they jump on the buggy and go careening through the store with helpless patrons diving out of the way.  Mom just smiled like they were the cutest trolls under the bridge.  They weren't cute honey. They are going to hurt somebody.  And you need to have your tubes tied like 8 years ago because CLEARLY you are either too stupid or too lazy to handle this parenting thing.
9.  Indecisive bastards in the frozen food section.  Few people covet food like I do so I understand having a hard time choosing just which Ben & Jerry to add to your fat ass this particular week.  There are SO many and they are all SO good.  But some of us are busy and just don't have time for that bullshit or we were so fat and hungry we chose our flavors online before went to the store.  90% of the time, I am the latter. So please move your big ass over for 2 seconds and let me grab my Karamel Sutra and get on with my life.  Same goes for the Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers.  They all suck.  Just pick one and move on.
10.  If you have survived this ordeal thus far and make it to the checkout with your groceries...there are a number of problems you may encounter at this point.  One can be summed up in one statement.  10 items or less means just that.  When I see some lazy entitled bitch walk up to the express checkout with 2 weeks worth of groceries it takes every ounce of my willpower not too grab that bag of frozen chicken from her cart and beat her to death with it.  Another problem is the check writers.  Get a fucking debit card for Christ's sake.  Every time I see somebody whip out that checkbook I die a little inside.  Really?? I can't even believe they still make those things.  They should be freaking outlawed.  Last but certainly not least are the WIC recipients and the couponers.  I don't want to hate on the couponers because I am one, but get your shit together before you go to the store.  Don't bust out your coupon file at the checkout and weed through them to see what you can use.  That's a dick thing to do.  Be prepared, hooker.  And the WIC people.  You know damn good and well beer and cigarettes aren't on the approved list.  Stop wasting our time arguing about it.  It's annoying enough to see you using MY money to provide for YOUR bastard children and then get into your brand new Honda.  Please just quietly get your free peanut butter and cheese and get the fuck out of my way, you lazy scheming mooch.

I'm sure my thoughts and judgements have already earned me a seat on the bus to hell, but stupid people need to be called out or culled from herd.  It's simple as that.  In fact, the whole concept of culling the herd is a favorite topic for my Dear Husband.  Perhaps he will gift me with a guest post on the matter.