I never had an issue with Catholicism. I went to church every Sunday as a child. I attended Sunday school, was in the youth group, taught vacation bible school. I went to CCD classes, received my first communion, then confirmation, then I became a little shit teenager and refused to participate after middle school.
I only had one issue up until I was ready to get married. To be confirmed, we had to go to confession. I personally am distrustful of priests (just google that mess....I'm not going there yet) and vehemently REFUSED to go to confession. My dirty deeds were between me and God and I didn't need some pervert priest wanking to my tales of debauchery. No Spank you very much. Somehow I was still able to receive confirmation and my first decision after being declared a catholic adult was to decide to skip the next Sunday....and almost every one for the next 7 years.
I went here and there. I always go at Christmas. We go on Mothers and Fathers day. Never consistently.
You know, I can't really say I learned much in my whole time in ccd? I learned how to hold my hands for communion. I learned the Nicene Creed (which those bitches changed for NO REASON). We learned the Hail Mary, Our Father, some hymns, basic stories of creation, crucifixion, Noah, 10 commandments, Jonah, Christ's birth. We were never really given the details of the ADULT beliefs of Catholicism. Basically I think its a ploy to converse only with other Catholics to ensure furthering the population.
Then it was time to get married. I picked me a good old Catholic boy. Neither of us had been married before or had children, so our process to be married in church was as easy as it gets with no annulments or conversions and such. We had to meet with the Deacon and get the spill on how we were living in sin. I pretty much by this point in life (I was 23? 24?) had decided that most churches beliefs were not for me. Had I married the first boy I fell in love with so we could live together and what not I'd probably be hanging out of some trailer in a tube top with 5 snot nosed barefoot white trash babies and 2 black eyes yelling for the law to 'lock his ass up' for the 3rd time this month. Thank GOD I lived with the moron first and was smart enough to end it when I did. I lived with my husband first and thankfully it was love filled and drama free so we knew it was meant to be and decided to make it official. ANYHOODLE I go on tangents sorry.....
So after the chit chat about how we would just lie and say we WERE NOT in fact cohabitating, we were given the list of things we had to do for the church to marry us. After having my Mommy write some checks, we were told we had to attend the "Catholic Engaged Encounter" at the Visitation Monastery. Oh God. This is where it starts.
We show up to this thing on a Friday night. I have NO idea what to expect. We sit in for an intro, are showed to our separate quarters (expected, but still annoying) and told to be ready at the ass crack of dawn for a full day of prayer and love and blah blah. Personally, had I ever been committed to a rehab, I can only assume it would be quite similar. I spent the whole time on the porch (which was on the 2nd or 3rd floor....I see what you did there nuns) chain smoking and trying to judge the extent of my injuries should I just jump off the fucking thing. Would I be able to make it to my car and escape? Or would I have to go to the hospital? Either option was better than the alternative. Which was staying and having them try to spoon feed me all THAT bullshit for 3 days. Yes Friday, ALL day Saturday, and MOST of Sunday. Going to Mass every day. Le sigh. It was hosted by 3 Catholic married couples. These uber Christians who were brainwashed into believing God was witnessing their marital relations and was right there with them and THAT IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
We each had a notebook. The entirety of Saturday was spent doing the following. We would have a topic. Sit in on a discussion (all couples) with the host couples, then retreat to our private quarters to answer a list of questions and write letters about said topic, then we were to meet each other in one of the private quarters and read each others answers and discuss. This happened 22 times in 2 days. TWENTY TWO TIMES. It was all about children, religion, marital conflicts, division of labor, roles, money....basically some shit you should've worked out a LONG time ago. We finally just gave up and started writing excessively profane and smart ass answers and then playing cards. It was awful.
Saturday night the dumb shits put out some boxes of Franzia (yea the boxed wine) and said we could each have ONE glass. Well then they left it unattended. So I drank 4. If I had KNOWN it would be so bad, I would've brought whiskey and sleeping pills. BUT NOBODY WARNED ME AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. ANYTANGENT AGAIN. I thought wine time was a sign it was almost over for the night. Nope. So after 4 glasses of wine they have a member of the host couples pray over each engaged couple and ask all these blessings from God. Then the priest shows up and introduces me to Natural Family Planning. Oh God. First of all, they believe marital relations is for procreation. Period. We have one job and that is to make more Catholics and lots of them. As someone who has been on some sort of birth control my WHOLE LIFE for female issues and who had within the last 6 month had surgery and suffered through a medically induced chemical menopause JUST to be able to HAVE babies.....I was a little annoyed at a MAN's stance on the subject. It was kind of a round table discussion. All these one glass of wine people politely inquiring as to the rules and consequences of said policy. I heard something about purgatory. Then the priest said we (the women) needed to chart our cycles, and to do the temperature thing and just abstain from relations on the days we felt we were ovulating. I stood my irritated drunk ass up and asked him how regular HIS periods were. Good husband yanked me down. Then I started muttering about just WHO IN THE FUCK was going to PAY for these 15 children we were going to end up with should we abstain from birth control for the next 20 or so years???? Good husband sweetly told me to please shut the fuck up before we get kicked out, so I did. That was where it broke me. These assholes staking claim on my body, my uterus, my very violent and life altering period. I washed my hands of it that night. We made it through the next day. Were married a few weeks later. I considered finding another church but that Catholic guilt is just imbedded SO deep I'd feel like I was cheating. Its an abusive relationship....pretty much. "But I love him and I've been with him so long! If I leave....oh God he will find me! Or I'll go to hell for getting a divorce!" HEAVY le sigh.
BUT, I wanted to afford my new baby the good childhood I had so I tried to just wipe the whole engaged encounter out of my mind and lie about my birth control and roll with the punches.....which kept coming.
I believe in a woman's right to choose. Period. I'm glad abortion is legal. I have not had one, hope I never have to, don't want one, don't think I even COULD if I was in the situation where one was possibly necessary......but I like that it exists just the same. One of the few times I graced the church with my presence in the last year, in the closing announcements at the end of mass, instead of "It's so and so's birthday!! claps So and so's anniversary!! claps" It was "Remember, this day, we will all be meeting to picket planned parenthood." The. Fuck. So the money I tithe is going to fund a protest where poor women faced with the unthinkable and most likely already guilt ridden, scared and sad, get to walk into a perfectly legal facility for a medical procedure and have people who claim to be Christians judging the fuck out of them and holding a modern Salem witch trial over some shit that is 1.) not their business and 2.) they didn't even pay to fund because churches don't fucking pay taxes. I can't with that. CAN. NOT. Its hypocrisy at it's finest. If you don't agree with somebody's life choices, please build a bridge and get the fuck over it. Don't you DARE point your judgy finger at their choices. How is the view from that high horse? Nice? Well I tell you what....its a long fucking fall from up there. How about you just smile at this other HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS and you go home, kneel at your bedside and you pray for God to wrap his arms around that woman?
And the GAYS. Don't get me started. Like that shit is a CHOICE. You love who you love. If you could choose, some of you wouldn't be in bed with cheating lying abusive criminals RIGHT THIS MINUTE. "It's a perversion" the church says. But what do they say about Priests fucking little boys??? NOTHING. They pay our tithed funds to sweep that shit under the rug. Do you realize there are SO MANY MOLESTING ASS PRIESTS that the Vatican at one point considered buying a FUCKING ISLAND to ship them to so they could spend their days in prayer reflection and repentance???? OH. MY. GOD. But the GAYS are the perverts. OK. Marriage is a CIVIL right granted by the government. The fucking church has NO SAY SO!! NONE! Gays aren't asking to get married in your stupid building! They are simply asking to be afforded what the straight folks get. The tax break, the ability to adopt and parent children, the ability to be recognized in society as a married committed couple. It is ASTONISHING to me! These 2 men, in their 70s, have been together almost FORTY YEARS (Ha. 5 straight marriages combined hardly last that long. And they pop out baby after baby, clog the court system with divorces and custody hearings, then one or both parents get on assistance because one person can't pay for babies alone) and when one partner dies, the home they share is awarded to the deceased man's brother who promptly removes the partner from the home and leaves an old man homeless. He has committed his LIFE to that man, to their home and all of it is taken away because his rights are not protected by the law. Tell me how that is right just or fair?? Tell me you are with your husband for 40 years when they slip into a coma. You believe there is hope, but his family with whom he has no relationship, have the final say so in the matter since your union is not recognized even though YOU have been the one paying his bills and wiping his butt for the last 5 months. They say "Well hell, pull the plug and legs collect the insurance." You are left with no spouse, no insurance, no say so in where he will be buried. Can you IMAGINE how HORRIBLE that must feel?? Its INSANE how this is even an issue!! And the church says "Well a marriage is to produce children, and they can't." Ok. So an infertile straight couple's marriage is invalid because they cannot produce children??? Riddle me that? The hypocrisy of it all. Its infuriating.
THESE are the confessions of the jaded Catholic. The corruption and the investigations and allegations of abuse are enough to send me packing. Add to that them being all up in my uterus and openly judging people for their lifestyles (which it PLAINLY says in the bible not to do).....I just really can't be on board with it anymore. I believe in Jesus and God. I am blessed. I have a wonderful relationship with and follow the teachings of Christ. I try to live a good life. I try to uphold morals and raise my children to respect life and each other, to do good for others, to just LIVE and LET LIVE. And I think that is what we should all do. People spend entirely too much time lighting fires in the name of God. God, in my humble opinion, is probably hanging his head in SHAME at the behavior of the people who claim to do things 'for Him'. I know I am.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
White Girl Problems: The plight of the lower middle class housewife
The middle class is disappearing. I've been reading that for a while now and didn't quite understand how. Now I get it. Until recently, we were a dual income family making enough money to live comfortably and still go out to eat or away for a weekend here and there. Then I lost my job. I intended to go right back to work, get another job, but the jobs I was offered in this economy....lets just say I'd be working to pay for daycare so I opted to just stay home.
We are responsible. We are hardworking. We are doing the very best with what we have. We are also being fucked over.
My little boy is starting school next year. He is required to have immunizations. Our health insurance does not cover well visits. It covers 80% of illness and emergencies and my copays are 50 dollars and we have NO maximum out of pocket. I know what you are thinking. Get better insurance! Um, have you priced family plans? We can't afford more than the rate we pay monthly now. How do you think we can afford to pay FOUR HUNDRED for a policy and STILL pay copays and deductibles? Anyway, so now that I no longer work, I was very excited to save money and be able to go downtown and get his shots. Oh was I wrong.
Last week I took my boy to his doctor to get his annual check up. The shots he required were an ADDITIONAL FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS up front. The sweet nurse urged me to take him to the health department. The shots are free. Great! So I call the health department. "Come on down! The shots are free!" Great! So I drive down there today WAY downtown in the damn ghetto, pregnant and toting a 4 year old. I fill out the form with our info and make the mistake of being HONEST and checking the box that says "Has insurance that doesn't cover vaccines." So I get up to the window after a short wait, hand over my sons immunization record, tell her what I understand he needs (5 shots) and she informs me I will have to pay for them today. I was surprised, since I'd been told they are free. She calculates the total. I'm thinking 50-100 bucks since this is a federally funded establishment. Nope. "That will be $320" I almost fell out of my chair. She then informed me that I was free to make an appointment with pediatrics and then I could just pay my $50 copay and they shots would be free. Great! So I shake off the fact that I've wasted half a day and 10 bucks in gas driving all the way down there and call the number she gave me to make an appointment with a pediatrics clinic closer to home. I do that. That lady then proceeds to tell me that I will have to pay for the shots because my son has insurance. Yes....he has insurance but it doesn't cover shots. "I'm sorry. Its policy. The shots are only free if you are on Medicaid or uninsured."
This is the point where I started crying and lost my shit (hormones). That poor woman on the phone God bless her. My tear filled rant went something like "So what you are telling me is because I am a white stay at home mother who planned my children and sticks to a budget I get to pay premium prices I can't afford? You are telling me I'm better off divorcing my husband, cancelling my health insurance, applying for Medicaid, food stamps and wic? You are telling me my reward for being responsible is to pay for everybody who isn't?" She agreed with me. Said she was sorry. It wasn't fair. Blah blah. I hung up and had a panic attack.
Please understand. I do not mind paying for my sons immunizations. But why the fuck do I have to pay 300 fucking dollars for them??? Why did the bitch with the hair extensions and fresh fake nails get to march into the health department toting FOUR children, whip out her Medicaid card and get ALL their shit for free? I heard her conversation. There were 2 daddies of those 4 kids. They don't pay shit. She ain't married. She can't work because she ain't got nobody to take care of them kids. She laid down and made babies with deadbeats and gets all her shit for free. No wait, not free. MY HUSBAND paid for that shit. MY HUSBAND has his paycheck raped to pay for HER babies while HIS babies go without. I'm furious. WHY should I pay 300 and she pays nothing??? Why can't ANYBODY go down there and get the REQUIRED BY LAW shots for free or for a small fee per child? We pay fucking taxes. Why can't we get something that we technically already paid for?? Sweet Jesus I'm so angry I could light something on fire. I was so furious I temporarily lost sanity, threw my hands up and said "FUCK IT! We are cancelling health insurance and applying for food stamps and Medicaid! We may even just get divorced! I can claim you are a deadbeat and get us some money. I can cancel the life insurance and auto insurance policies. If you die I'll collect social security and get the policy from your work. If we get in an accident I'll just file bankruptcy! What good is credit anymore anyway? They give that shit to anybody! Then we can just quit paying for the house, let the bank take it and I can get section 8! Hell houses in OUR NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE WE CURRENTLY LIVE are being run by the government. We can use the section 8 to pay $80 a month rent based on my income (EBT) instead of this fucking 650 we pay now and not have to fuck with insurance AND still have a comparable home! I'll just say you ran off! We can get reduced utilities! Then we can get free lunches for our kid when he starts school! The sky is the fucking limit!"
THIS ladies and gentlemen is the reason for the disappearance of the middle class. Because we are sick and fucking tired of getting punished for being honest, responsible and hard working. We can't fight anymore. We are tired of struggling paycheck to paycheck and living hand to mouth. We are tired of being the in the same grocery line with mooches buying gourmet shit with EBT while we buy great value cheese. People are actually doing what I just said above. They are giving up and jumping on the very government train they have LOATHED for so long. The entitlement programs we've sneered at. The lowlifes we've abhorred, judged and ridiculed. With this new government taking more from us and giving more to them we aren't about to keep working when they don't have to. Fuck it. If they don't we don't. Lets all just jump on the bus the hell without seat belts.
THIS, is what I'm TRYING to say but am just too damn emotional to word properly.
"An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
It could not be any simpler than that.
There are five morals to this story:
We are responsible. We are hardworking. We are doing the very best with what we have. We are also being fucked over.
My little boy is starting school next year. He is required to have immunizations. Our health insurance does not cover well visits. It covers 80% of illness and emergencies and my copays are 50 dollars and we have NO maximum out of pocket. I know what you are thinking. Get better insurance! Um, have you priced family plans? We can't afford more than the rate we pay monthly now. How do you think we can afford to pay FOUR HUNDRED for a policy and STILL pay copays and deductibles? Anyway, so now that I no longer work, I was very excited to save money and be able to go downtown and get his shots. Oh was I wrong.
Last week I took my boy to his doctor to get his annual check up. The shots he required were an ADDITIONAL FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS up front. The sweet nurse urged me to take him to the health department. The shots are free. Great! So I call the health department. "Come on down! The shots are free!" Great! So I drive down there today WAY downtown in the damn ghetto, pregnant and toting a 4 year old. I fill out the form with our info and make the mistake of being HONEST and checking the box that says "Has insurance that doesn't cover vaccines." So I get up to the window after a short wait, hand over my sons immunization record, tell her what I understand he needs (5 shots) and she informs me I will have to pay for them today. I was surprised, since I'd been told they are free. She calculates the total. I'm thinking 50-100 bucks since this is a federally funded establishment. Nope. "That will be $320" I almost fell out of my chair. She then informed me that I was free to make an appointment with pediatrics and then I could just pay my $50 copay and they shots would be free. Great! So I shake off the fact that I've wasted half a day and 10 bucks in gas driving all the way down there and call the number she gave me to make an appointment with a pediatrics clinic closer to home. I do that. That lady then proceeds to tell me that I will have to pay for the shots because my son has insurance. Yes....he has insurance but it doesn't cover shots. "I'm sorry. Its policy. The shots are only free if you are on Medicaid or uninsured."
This is the point where I started crying and lost my shit (hormones). That poor woman on the phone God bless her. My tear filled rant went something like "So what you are telling me is because I am a white stay at home mother who planned my children and sticks to a budget I get to pay premium prices I can't afford? You are telling me I'm better off divorcing my husband, cancelling my health insurance, applying for Medicaid, food stamps and wic? You are telling me my reward for being responsible is to pay for everybody who isn't?" She agreed with me. Said she was sorry. It wasn't fair. Blah blah. I hung up and had a panic attack.
Please understand. I do not mind paying for my sons immunizations. But why the fuck do I have to pay 300 fucking dollars for them??? Why did the bitch with the hair extensions and fresh fake nails get to march into the health department toting FOUR children, whip out her Medicaid card and get ALL their shit for free? I heard her conversation. There were 2 daddies of those 4 kids. They don't pay shit. She ain't married. She can't work because she ain't got nobody to take care of them kids. She laid down and made babies with deadbeats and gets all her shit for free. No wait, not free. MY HUSBAND paid for that shit. MY HUSBAND has his paycheck raped to pay for HER babies while HIS babies go without. I'm furious. WHY should I pay 300 and she pays nothing??? Why can't ANYBODY go down there and get the REQUIRED BY LAW shots for free or for a small fee per child? We pay fucking taxes. Why can't we get something that we technically already paid for?? Sweet Jesus I'm so angry I could light something on fire. I was so furious I temporarily lost sanity, threw my hands up and said "FUCK IT! We are cancelling health insurance and applying for food stamps and Medicaid! We may even just get divorced! I can claim you are a deadbeat and get us some money. I can cancel the life insurance and auto insurance policies. If you die I'll collect social security and get the policy from your work. If we get in an accident I'll just file bankruptcy! What good is credit anymore anyway? They give that shit to anybody! Then we can just quit paying for the house, let the bank take it and I can get section 8! Hell houses in OUR NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE WE CURRENTLY LIVE are being run by the government. We can use the section 8 to pay $80 a month rent based on my income (EBT) instead of this fucking 650 we pay now and not have to fuck with insurance AND still have a comparable home! I'll just say you ran off! We can get reduced utilities! Then we can get free lunches for our kid when he starts school! The sky is the fucking limit!"
THIS ladies and gentlemen is the reason for the disappearance of the middle class. Because we are sick and fucking tired of getting punished for being honest, responsible and hard working. We can't fight anymore. We are tired of struggling paycheck to paycheck and living hand to mouth. We are tired of being the in the same grocery line with mooches buying gourmet shit with EBT while we buy great value cheese. People are actually doing what I just said above. They are giving up and jumping on the very government train they have LOATHED for so long. The entitlement programs we've sneered at. The lowlifes we've abhorred, judged and ridiculed. With this new government taking more from us and giving more to them we aren't about to keep working when they don't have to. Fuck it. If they don't we don't. Lets all just jump on the bus the hell without seat belts.
THIS, is what I'm TRYING to say but am just too damn emotional to word properly.
"An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
It could not be any simpler than that.
There are five morals to this story:
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation."
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Bye Bye Paycheck
I very dramatically lost my job in August. My boss, we'll call him Sadistic Alcoholic Closet Homosexual Sociopath, or Sachs for short, had put more and more responsibility on me the last year or so. I was originally hired to be the CSR and his assistant and to help keep track of inventory in the out of state warehouses. By the end of it I was handling all of the CSR duties, half of the shipping, all of the international and parcel shipping, office supply ordering, website management, tech support issues, all pricing, inventory in FIVE warehouses, marketing product design and implementation, babysitting the sales team, planning the company Christmas party, ordering, filling out, hand addressing and mailing all Christmas cards and corporate gifts AND he was dumping personal shit on me in addition to a hosts of other shit I have blocked out. The personal shit is part of what ended it all. I know I know. "Suck it up. You and every person in the free world hate their psycho bosses." Fine. You handle it better than I do. I am a people pleaser by nature and this man was IMPOSSIBLE to please. It hurt my confidence, my self esteem and it was rolling over into my personal life in the form of impatience with my husband and child and excessive alcohol consumption. Oh and shingles.....that was a bitch. The day I went to the doctor and was told the giant rash on my face was a stress induced illness I had to call into work. Something I MIGHT have done 4 times in 4 years. He was pissed at me. We were in the middle of inventory. Who would do it blah blah. I ended up having to drive to work in cut offs and a trucker hat at 4 that afternoon with one eye swollen shut to handle some shit they were just incapable of doing. Ridiculous. Anyway, moving on.
So there was a boy I worked with who was the son of one of the owners. We went to high school together and rekindled a friendship during the 4 years I worked there. This relationship was PLATONIC. This boy knew my husband, they hunted together, he came to our home for dinner and beer on occasion. Good Old Sachs HATES this boy, whom we shall call Boy 1, and his brother, Boy 2, who are Sachs cousins. Their dads are brothers and own the company. My rapport with Boy 1 was referred to by Sachs as 'playing grab ass'. I was livid. But he's insane so I just rolled my eyes and went back to work. Back in June I was held after work by Sachs. After 5, when everybody had gone, he marched up to my desk and asked me if I liked my job. I lied. Said yes. He then pulled me into his office where he unloaded his crazy mind on me for over 2 hours. A total mind fuck. About his hatred for Boys 1 &2 and his jealousy of my friendship with them both. How much he hated their Dad. How he wanted to buy them out and WOULD. How if anybody had the balls to challenge him he'd take all the business and leave (he was vp of sales). It was awful. I didn't say anything to anybody for weeks. I was just so creeped out. Anyway. The next month we had year end inventory. One of our Cali warehouses (that had always been a problem) was purchased by a competitor and we were going to be sharing the business. Inventory had to be reconciled. It turns out the first owner had been lying about inventory for 3 years and we had to write off about 300K worth of material. All of this was going on while I had 4 other warehouses to balance, 3 customers wanting full audits and BOOKS of information filled out (by me), sales proposals, my regular job and then Sachs comes up to me and tells me to order some stuff. His kids school supplies. His fucking wife doesn't work and they are LOADED beyond comprehension. But he hates the company so much he uses their accounts to buy his army of brats school supplies. I accidentally got his paycheck once instead of mine. Motherfucker makes 10 grand every other week. Five thousand mother fucking dollars A WEEK. I can't even wrap my brain around that much money. Anyway, so I take his list and tell him I'll get to it as soon as inventory is over which gave plenty of time for them to get here before school started. He said fine. Stormed off. Two days later I get inventory done and get my work caught up. Three pm rolls around and I'm STARVING as I've worked straight through lunch YET AGAIN. I opt to run to this café for a Panini and come right back. I asked boy 2 if he wanted anything or wanted to ride with me. He opted to ride. We were gone 35 minutes. I brought my food back and ate at the table by my desk with him and boy 1 for the remainder of my allotted 1 hour break WHILE answering the phone and emails. Sachs saw us eating and talking and LOST his shit. Stormed in his office, slammed something down on his desk and stormed out slamming the warehouse door on his way out. I knew he was pissed and I was past the point of giving a shit anymore. I finished lunch and got back to work. I got all his kids supplies priced and separated into transactions so I could maximize coupon and sale savings through Staples. It takes about 2 hours to do, but I save the company over 100 bucks every time. I wasn't postponing it on purpose to spite him....I just didn't place it high on my priority list what with company obligations (like customer satisfaction and balanced inventory) coming first. This was a Friday. Saturday morning I was throwing a baby shower at my home for my sister in law. It was a brunch. They would be coming at 10am. At 8am I got a text message from Sachs telling me NOT to come to work Monday. I didn't think I'd done anything THAT bad. In fact, I had JUST gotten a raise the previous week. I was pissed. I called him. He didn't answer. That fucking coward couldn't even wait until Monday to talk to me??? On COMPANY time?? He's going to TEXT ME on my PERSONAL PHONE that I PAY FOR on MY off time and ruin my WHOLE weekend. Hell no. His sorry ass called me back a few minutes later and said that my behavior was unacceptable and I wasn't LOYAL to him and I'd BETTER NOT show up to work on Monday. I showed my ass. Screamed at him. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU and all. He told me he had every right to tell me not to come in and that I'd better not show my face in that office Monday. I struggled through the whole weekend. It was awful. Monday I spent the day looking for jobs and trying to drum up some cake business. Tuesday I got to work that morning and went straight to HR, which is the owner Sachs hates. I told him about being threatened and contacted on my off day and about his admitted jealousy of boy 1 and 2 and how he was abusive and crazy and the threats he had made about screwing the company. I also complained about his contacting me on a Saturday rather than go through the proper process of disciplinary action. I was never written up or reprimanded before Saturday Fuck I had just gotten a RAISE. I was sick of it. NOBODY stood up to this man so I thought screw it, he's going to fire me anyway so I'll lay that shit on the table before I go. HR was very concerned and promised my job was safe and they would meet with him about his behavior. So I went back to my desk and got to work. Sachs arrived shortly after and was pulled into his Dad and uncles office. 30 minutes later he stormed out and told me I'd lost my damned mind. THEN the fucking coward waited until everybody had gone to lunch to pull me in his office. He was crazy. Red face. Wild eyes. CRAZY. He said "Did you think your little friendships would protect you?? How dare you circumvent ME!" I said "I thought your behavior was inappropriate and reported it to HR I've tried to talk to you about your issues before and it has only gotten worse so I went one step up." He went wild "OH YOU DID DID YOU!? WELL YOU. ARE. FIRED!!! GET OUT!!!"
I wasn't upset at this point. I went to my desk. I had packed all my shit up Friday and took it home just incase this happened. I figured fuck it. I'll file unemployment and find another job. We will be fine. So as I'm turning off my computer and getting my purse and phone and all that he is standing over me screaming for me to LOG OUT! LOG OUT NOW!! His Dad heard this and ever the son of a bitch walks over and wants to know what's going on. Sachs says "I've fired her for insubordination." Well his dad knows I can file unemployment and can't have that so he tells us to wait a minute and pulls me into Sachs office. I told him no. I'm leaving. I'm fired. I'm gone. He says "You aren't fired til I say you are. Get in here." Then he proceeds to say this is all MY fault and I NEVER should have reported Sachs to HR and that if I want to keep my job I will have to show Sachs some respect and eat a lot of crow. Verbatim. I proceed to tell him that I want a damn apology for being contacted on my off time and not being written up in the office in a disciplinary hearing or even given a warning first. Sachs is all "YOU called ME FOUR TIMES. (lie..once) I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" Then why the fuck did you text me??? "I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!" I said "Do YOU pay for that phone? No. You do not." Then he lost his shit and started hollering about "See! See how insubordinate she is! No respect!!" I was so brow beaten over this cluster fuck of sociopathic good cop/bad cop shit I started to cry. I regret it. So these mother fuckers say I can keep my job. But I will be cut down to 20 hours a week and will be responsible for training a replacement in the event they opt not to keep me on at the end of a 90 day probationary period. The fuck?? No. THEN the coup de gras??? BITCH WROTE ME UP FOR SOME SHIT THEY CLAIM WENT DOWN IN MAY THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Said failure to perform a task. Because some business cards I ordered got back ordered and came in later than I had originally said. All because HE wanted to use a cheaper company. You get what you fucking pay for. ANYWAY. So I walked the fuck out. Said I was going to lunch. Went home with no intention of coming back. Boy 2 heard the end of this mess when he came in from lunch. He called me after I left and I had to tell him what all happened. He was sick. He begged me to come back. Let him talk to his dad and see what he could do. Maybe I could transfer to another position and still work there. I didn't want to. Then I heard from the man that ran the warehouse. I cried to him on the phone. I was so hurt and upset. He felt so sorry for me. He knows what a loon Sachs really is. He's seen what I've been put through. So I sucked it up. I went back to the office and used the rest of the afternoon to redo my resume on the good computer. I searched for jobs. Sent off a bunch of applications. Printed about 40 copies of the resume and clocked out. Boy 1 met me after work for a margarita and a bitch session and I filled him in on all the drama. Turns out HR had no idea this had gone down and that Sachs was told NOT to fire me. He begged me to come back. I said I'd give it one more day. Wednesday I went in that morning and had a note from Sachs taped to my monitor with instructions to type, print AND handwrite a list of my duties, log ins, passwords and detailed instructions for every task I performed. I turned on the computer, typed a letter of resignation that was very polite, professional and truthful and hand delivered it to HR. I cried. I told him I'd miss him but that I just refused to work under such conditions and that it would be a good idea for him to tie up that loose cannon boss of mine with a no-compete. Then I hugged everybody and walked out. The nightmare was over. Aside from the looming financial doom I had just heaped upon my poor family, I hadn't felt that relaxed and free in MONTHS. YEARS even.
I searched for work for 2 weeks. Nothing. The stuff I DID find paid so little I was basically working to pay for daycare. I went on one interview with a promising company and was grilled by a man that reminded me so much of Sachs I thanked them for their time and walked out. I will sell my ass on Cody Rd before I EVER work for another rich white man again. Ever. They have proven over the years to be crooked crazy and generally psychotic. No thank you.
I stayed up til 3am stressing. Trying to find ANY WAY we would be able to survive. Then it came to me. The unthinkable. My 401K. I ran the numbers over and over. It would be tight.....but it was doable. I cashed that shit out, paid off debt, pulled my boy from daycare, cancelled unnecessary services and started life as a stay at home mom.
So that's that. The tale of being fucked over. Royally. By none other than a politician. Oh yeah. A quick google search of old Sachs real name will provide pages and pages of news reports littered with commentary on what a fucking bat shit crazy loon he is. I'll keep that info to myself for now, what with him being a sue happy pussy backed by daddy's money.
Next up? Life elbow deep in buttercream.
So there was a boy I worked with who was the son of one of the owners. We went to high school together and rekindled a friendship during the 4 years I worked there. This relationship was PLATONIC. This boy knew my husband, they hunted together, he came to our home for dinner and beer on occasion. Good Old Sachs HATES this boy, whom we shall call Boy 1, and his brother, Boy 2, who are Sachs cousins. Their dads are brothers and own the company. My rapport with Boy 1 was referred to by Sachs as 'playing grab ass'. I was livid. But he's insane so I just rolled my eyes and went back to work. Back in June I was held after work by Sachs. After 5, when everybody had gone, he marched up to my desk and asked me if I liked my job. I lied. Said yes. He then pulled me into his office where he unloaded his crazy mind on me for over 2 hours. A total mind fuck. About his hatred for Boys 1 &2 and his jealousy of my friendship with them both. How much he hated their Dad. How he wanted to buy them out and WOULD. How if anybody had the balls to challenge him he'd take all the business and leave (he was vp of sales). It was awful. I didn't say anything to anybody for weeks. I was just so creeped out. Anyway. The next month we had year end inventory. One of our Cali warehouses (that had always been a problem) was purchased by a competitor and we were going to be sharing the business. Inventory had to be reconciled. It turns out the first owner had been lying about inventory for 3 years and we had to write off about 300K worth of material. All of this was going on while I had 4 other warehouses to balance, 3 customers wanting full audits and BOOKS of information filled out (by me), sales proposals, my regular job and then Sachs comes up to me and tells me to order some stuff. His kids school supplies. His fucking wife doesn't work and they are LOADED beyond comprehension. But he hates the company so much he uses their accounts to buy his army of brats school supplies. I accidentally got his paycheck once instead of mine. Motherfucker makes 10 grand every other week. Five thousand mother fucking dollars A WEEK. I can't even wrap my brain around that much money. Anyway, so I take his list and tell him I'll get to it as soon as inventory is over which gave plenty of time for them to get here before school started. He said fine. Stormed off. Two days later I get inventory done and get my work caught up. Three pm rolls around and I'm STARVING as I've worked straight through lunch YET AGAIN. I opt to run to this café for a Panini and come right back. I asked boy 2 if he wanted anything or wanted to ride with me. He opted to ride. We were gone 35 minutes. I brought my food back and ate at the table by my desk with him and boy 1 for the remainder of my allotted 1 hour break WHILE answering the phone and emails. Sachs saw us eating and talking and LOST his shit. Stormed in his office, slammed something down on his desk and stormed out slamming the warehouse door on his way out. I knew he was pissed and I was past the point of giving a shit anymore. I finished lunch and got back to work. I got all his kids supplies priced and separated into transactions so I could maximize coupon and sale savings through Staples. It takes about 2 hours to do, but I save the company over 100 bucks every time. I wasn't postponing it on purpose to spite him....I just didn't place it high on my priority list what with company obligations (like customer satisfaction and balanced inventory) coming first. This was a Friday. Saturday morning I was throwing a baby shower at my home for my sister in law. It was a brunch. They would be coming at 10am. At 8am I got a text message from Sachs telling me NOT to come to work Monday. I didn't think I'd done anything THAT bad. In fact, I had JUST gotten a raise the previous week. I was pissed. I called him. He didn't answer. That fucking coward couldn't even wait until Monday to talk to me??? On COMPANY time?? He's going to TEXT ME on my PERSONAL PHONE that I PAY FOR on MY off time and ruin my WHOLE weekend. Hell no. His sorry ass called me back a few minutes later and said that my behavior was unacceptable and I wasn't LOYAL to him and I'd BETTER NOT show up to work on Monday. I showed my ass. Screamed at him. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU and all. He told me he had every right to tell me not to come in and that I'd better not show my face in that office Monday. I struggled through the whole weekend. It was awful. Monday I spent the day looking for jobs and trying to drum up some cake business. Tuesday I got to work that morning and went straight to HR, which is the owner Sachs hates. I told him about being threatened and contacted on my off day and about his admitted jealousy of boy 1 and 2 and how he was abusive and crazy and the threats he had made about screwing the company. I also complained about his contacting me on a Saturday rather than go through the proper process of disciplinary action. I was never written up or reprimanded before Saturday Fuck I had just gotten a RAISE. I was sick of it. NOBODY stood up to this man so I thought screw it, he's going to fire me anyway so I'll lay that shit on the table before I go. HR was very concerned and promised my job was safe and they would meet with him about his behavior. So I went back to my desk and got to work. Sachs arrived shortly after and was pulled into his Dad and uncles office. 30 minutes later he stormed out and told me I'd lost my damned mind. THEN the fucking coward waited until everybody had gone to lunch to pull me in his office. He was crazy. Red face. Wild eyes. CRAZY. He said "Did you think your little friendships would protect you?? How dare you circumvent ME!" I said "I thought your behavior was inappropriate and reported it to HR I've tried to talk to you about your issues before and it has only gotten worse so I went one step up." He went wild "OH YOU DID DID YOU!? WELL YOU. ARE. FIRED!!! GET OUT!!!"
I wasn't upset at this point. I went to my desk. I had packed all my shit up Friday and took it home just incase this happened. I figured fuck it. I'll file unemployment and find another job. We will be fine. So as I'm turning off my computer and getting my purse and phone and all that he is standing over me screaming for me to LOG OUT! LOG OUT NOW!! His Dad heard this and ever the son of a bitch walks over and wants to know what's going on. Sachs says "I've fired her for insubordination." Well his dad knows I can file unemployment and can't have that so he tells us to wait a minute and pulls me into Sachs office. I told him no. I'm leaving. I'm fired. I'm gone. He says "You aren't fired til I say you are. Get in here." Then he proceeds to say this is all MY fault and I NEVER should have reported Sachs to HR and that if I want to keep my job I will have to show Sachs some respect and eat a lot of crow. Verbatim. I proceed to tell him that I want a damn apology for being contacted on my off time and not being written up in the office in a disciplinary hearing or even given a warning first. Sachs is all "YOU called ME FOUR TIMES. (lie..once) I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" Then why the fuck did you text me??? "I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!" I said "Do YOU pay for that phone? No. You do not." Then he lost his shit and started hollering about "See! See how insubordinate she is! No respect!!" I was so brow beaten over this cluster fuck of sociopathic good cop/bad cop shit I started to cry. I regret it. So these mother fuckers say I can keep my job. But I will be cut down to 20 hours a week and will be responsible for training a replacement in the event they opt not to keep me on at the end of a 90 day probationary period. The fuck?? No. THEN the coup de gras??? BITCH WROTE ME UP FOR SOME SHIT THEY CLAIM WENT DOWN IN MAY THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Said failure to perform a task. Because some business cards I ordered got back ordered and came in later than I had originally said. All because HE wanted to use a cheaper company. You get what you fucking pay for. ANYWAY. So I walked the fuck out. Said I was going to lunch. Went home with no intention of coming back. Boy 2 heard the end of this mess when he came in from lunch. He called me after I left and I had to tell him what all happened. He was sick. He begged me to come back. Let him talk to his dad and see what he could do. Maybe I could transfer to another position and still work there. I didn't want to. Then I heard from the man that ran the warehouse. I cried to him on the phone. I was so hurt and upset. He felt so sorry for me. He knows what a loon Sachs really is. He's seen what I've been put through. So I sucked it up. I went back to the office and used the rest of the afternoon to redo my resume on the good computer. I searched for jobs. Sent off a bunch of applications. Printed about 40 copies of the resume and clocked out. Boy 1 met me after work for a margarita and a bitch session and I filled him in on all the drama. Turns out HR had no idea this had gone down and that Sachs was told NOT to fire me. He begged me to come back. I said I'd give it one more day. Wednesday I went in that morning and had a note from Sachs taped to my monitor with instructions to type, print AND handwrite a list of my duties, log ins, passwords and detailed instructions for every task I performed. I turned on the computer, typed a letter of resignation that was very polite, professional and truthful and hand delivered it to HR. I cried. I told him I'd miss him but that I just refused to work under such conditions and that it would be a good idea for him to tie up that loose cannon boss of mine with a no-compete. Then I hugged everybody and walked out. The nightmare was over. Aside from the looming financial doom I had just heaped upon my poor family, I hadn't felt that relaxed and free in MONTHS. YEARS even.
I searched for work for 2 weeks. Nothing. The stuff I DID find paid so little I was basically working to pay for daycare. I went on one interview with a promising company and was grilled by a man that reminded me so much of Sachs I thanked them for their time and walked out. I will sell my ass on Cody Rd before I EVER work for another rich white man again. Ever. They have proven over the years to be crooked crazy and generally psychotic. No thank you.
I stayed up til 3am stressing. Trying to find ANY WAY we would be able to survive. Then it came to me. The unthinkable. My 401K. I ran the numbers over and over. It would be tight.....but it was doable. I cashed that shit out, paid off debt, pulled my boy from daycare, cancelled unnecessary services and started life as a stay at home mom.
So that's that. The tale of being fucked over. Royally. By none other than a politician. Oh yeah. A quick google search of old Sachs real name will provide pages and pages of news reports littered with commentary on what a fucking bat shit crazy loon he is. I'll keep that info to myself for now, what with him being a sue happy pussy backed by daddy's money.
Next up? Life elbow deep in buttercream.
Friday, January 4, 2013
I just showed up here and realized it has been a year since I posted last. I was all talking about how I'd post recipes and lose weight and stuff. Funny. What REALLY happened. I got an insane amount of responsibility at work, got stressed out, gained weight, got shingles, lost my job (a whole other post) started being a work from home momma with the cake decorating and then I got pregnant. I've been busy. So here we are 2013. The world didn't end. I've had some big life changes and will have another this year when Crosby #2 makes his/her appearance in June. I'm excited. Anthony will be a great big brother.
I'm all about being healthy, but I've given up on the weight. I made solid efforts for so long with no results so I'm just going to focus on eating good food that is good for you and as close to the dirt as possible. Plus dieting while pregnant??? No. I'm shooting for NOT gaining 60# this time. So far so good. I'm in 17 weeks and only up 8 pounds of boobs blood and belly.
So this blog will get back to what it was. A place for me to unload on the inter webs. And God knows after a year.....I've got some shit to say.
I'll start off with the very fucked up situation of losing my job.
I'm all about being healthy, but I've given up on the weight. I made solid efforts for so long with no results so I'm just going to focus on eating good food that is good for you and as close to the dirt as possible. Plus dieting while pregnant??? No. I'm shooting for NOT gaining 60# this time. So far so good. I'm in 17 weeks and only up 8 pounds of boobs blood and belly.
So this blog will get back to what it was. A place for me to unload on the inter webs. And God knows after a year.....I've got some shit to say.
I'll start off with the very fucked up situation of losing my job.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2012
Its a new day up in here, up in here.
I'm off that damned depo provera. I was able to drop 12 pounds with diet and exercise, though I've undone all that progress by living off cookies and shit all through the holidays.
But 2012 is here. Detox baby. I'm going to have some drinks and hormone laden beef and sugary junk New Years Eve. But come Sunday....its on.
I'm making some changes around here. I want to get healthy. I want to be what the government calls a healthy weight before I sign up for life insurance. I want good, under 30, non smoker/drinker, skinny rates.
So this blog, though I'm sure will still be full of bitching because come ON thats what I DO, will have a lot of posts about food. GOOD food. I have a TON of healthy recipes and I want to try tons more. I want to review them and upload pictures and share them with people who want to share this journey with me. I'm a foodie. I love to cook. I love good food and good ingredients. I cannot and will not live off lean cuisines and packaged 'diet' food. I like fresh vegetables prepared in a way that preserves their natural flavors and nutrients.
I'm also OCPD. Look it up. I'll wait. All that?? Thats me. I'm a planner and THANK GOD because you cannot run a healthy household without that personality flaw. So I will also be putting meal plans and the like on here because again, it makes me feel in control. Which I need to live.
So cheers to 2012. If we are all going to die in December, I want to go out looking and feeling good. If we don't see Armageddon? I'll have a good start for expanding my family ;)
xo
I'm off that damned depo provera. I was able to drop 12 pounds with diet and exercise, though I've undone all that progress by living off cookies and shit all through the holidays.
But 2012 is here. Detox baby. I'm going to have some drinks and hormone laden beef and sugary junk New Years Eve. But come Sunday....its on.
I'm making some changes around here. I want to get healthy. I want to be what the government calls a healthy weight before I sign up for life insurance. I want good, under 30, non smoker/drinker, skinny rates.
So this blog, though I'm sure will still be full of bitching because come ON thats what I DO, will have a lot of posts about food. GOOD food. I have a TON of healthy recipes and I want to try tons more. I want to review them and upload pictures and share them with people who want to share this journey with me. I'm a foodie. I love to cook. I love good food and good ingredients. I cannot and will not live off lean cuisines and packaged 'diet' food. I like fresh vegetables prepared in a way that preserves their natural flavors and nutrients.
I'm also OCPD. Look it up. I'll wait. All that?? Thats me. I'm a planner and THANK GOD because you cannot run a healthy household without that personality flaw. So I will also be putting meal plans and the like on here because again, it makes me feel in control. Which I need to live.
So cheers to 2012. If we are all going to die in December, I want to go out looking and feeling good. If we don't see Armageddon? I'll have a good start for expanding my family ;)
xo
Friday, April 8, 2011
Today's rant courtesy of my giant fat ass
It's not a good day. Anybody that knows me knows that I struggle with my weight. Some days are better than others but today is one of those REALLY REALLY bad days. I need to get this on paper in an attempt to get it OFF my chest. It works with anger. Let's see if it works for depression. Here goes.
I've had a weight problem since I got on stupid birth control at 15. Clearly I cannot take the stuff. I remember weighing myself the day before freshman year. 145. That's not little. But it would be the last time I would see that number for 5 years. I've always been active. Always played sports year round. And even with all that exercise I managed to go from 145 to 186 between 10th and 12th grade. Then, at 18, when I took myself off the pill. The weight started coming off. By the time I was 20 I was down to 145 again. With minimal effort on my part might I add. I went through one summer where I worked out but I really toned up more than lost any weight. I wasn't on ANY birth control for the next 3 years and maintained that weight. Exercise here and there. Eating well but not dieting by any stretch. Then in 2003 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I had a surgery to remove it and was then put on a 6 month round of lupron. Which is basically chemically induced menopause. During this 6 months I got engaged, bought and remodeled a house, moved, planned a wedding and got married. I know brides typically lose weight before their big day even if its all stress related and not through any conscious effort. But I lost 20 pounds. Fast. Like in 2 months. It had to be the lupron. I was 126 pounds on my wedding day. Its hard to be fat after you've been that thin. REALLY REALLY hard.
So. I was married on April 5th. We went and enjoyed a lovely honeymoon and on the 13th we came home and gave each other our wedding presents by quitting smoking. I gained 20 pounds immediately. Like in less than 2 months. Then I found out I was pregnant. So by the time I even started gaining baby weight....I was up to just under 150. I went on to gain another 40 pounds in the next several months and was a whopping 187 the day I delivered my baby boy. I was SURE I would lose that weight and then some since I intended to nurse exclusively. Once that baby was out and I no longer had a reason to be big I developed a SERIOUS distaste for my body. One that has only gotton worse in the last two years. I am not one of those women that think saggy skin and stretch marks is beautiful because I got a baby out of it. No. Saggy skin is gross. Period. Children are wonderful but pregnancy is hell on your body.
Like I said I really was SURE nursing would help the weight come off. I got down to 155, but then stuck there for 6 months. I decided I must be one of those women that can't lose while nursing. I weaned when Ant was 13 months old. Then I JUST KNEW I'd FINALLY lose some weight. Especially now that I could really diet since I didn't have to worry about milk supply and I could really exercise since I no longer leaked. Well, one month after I dried up I had gained 5 pounds. Up to 160. So I immediately blamed my birthcontrol. Depo Provera. That HAD to be it. So I got off it and switched to a pill. MISTAKE. Gained 3 more pounds. 163. Damn. So I got BACK on the depo and had to get a DOUBLE shot because I just kept fucking bleeding ALL THE TIME. After the 2nd dose, the 3 pounds came off but I was still 160. Not happy. So. August of 2010 rolls around and I start working out. Running one day a week and Zumba 2 days a week. A month goes by. No weight loss. So I up my workouts and add a 3rd Zumba on Saturdays along with a toning class. Another month goes by. No weight loss. By November I've got 3 zumbas, a toning and I've added another running day to my week. I was now working out 5 days a week. I start gaining a little weight. And not muscle because my clothes were tight. I was pissed. So in December I decide to sign up for the Azalea Trail and add ANOTHER workout to help me train. One long run on Sundays. By January I'm running Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Doing Zumba Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and the toning class on Saturday as well. I go up to 164. I start to believe that as much as I love depo...it's making it impossible for me to lose so I get off it. Through February...no weight loss. So, very defeated, by March, perfect timing for lent, I forgo my very last vice. Dessert. Sweets. All of them. Gone. It has been one month today and I've gained an additional 4 pounds. 168.2 this morning. Please tell me how in the FUCK that is possible??? I do not drink soda, tea, juice or koolaid. I have coffee with splenda in the morning, water all day, milk with dinner. Sure my dinners could be a little healthier. But you know what?? As much as I fucking exercise I should be able to drink cake frosting milkshakes 3 times a day and STILL lose weight. I eat Special K for breakfast with 1% milk. A light lunch and IF on the rare occasion I have a snack between meals, its either fruit or yogurt. I don't eat fast food or fried food. When I say crap dinner....we have a lot of casseroles because when you have to squeeze 6-7 hours of exercise in your already busy working-mom-week you have to cut corners somewhere and a casserole is a busy bitches best friend. I don't eat 3 helpings of potatoes. I eat a proper serving of whatever meal I make for dinner. I make delicious food because cooking makes me happy. Its a passion and if I have to be fat I at least deserve a hobby that I enjoy. I've tried very hard. I've made a solid effort for NINE months now only to be rewarded with a Friday morning nervous breakdown because I cant button my pants and have to wear a sloppy tshirt to cover the fact that they are held together with a fucking ponytail holder. Just like when I was pregnant. In fact....I'm the same weight now that I was 2 months post partum. Thats fucking disgusting. I'm disgusting. I hate clothes. I hate pants. I hate mirrors. I hate shopping. I hate being uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate feeling trapped under this weight. I hate it. Its making me fucking insane. If I sat on my ass and gorged myself all the time I'd have no reason to whine whatsoever. But I work hard. I've sacrificed HUNDREDS of hours with my family to workout and it's all for fucking nothing. NOTHING. So the fuck what if I can run 5 miles. Call me vain but I don't give a fuck if I can run 20 miles if I can't wear a damn single digit size pair of pants. "Oh but you're so fit!" I. Don't. Care. That doesn't make a fucking bit of difference to me. I want to be thin. Period. I want to get dressed one morning and it not suck. I want to feel like I look cute. Not like I'm just hiding the fat well. My face is even fat. I have no jawline and am developing a second chin. No amount of makeup hides that.
And no I'm not some depressed lunatic. I have a fantastic husband, a beautiful child, great friends, excellent parents and a large extended family. I like my job. I have hobbies I enjoy. We may not be rich but we are able to pay the bills every month (so far) which is better than a lot of people right now. I know that I have a God that loves me. I love being a Mom and a Wife. I love being married to my best friend. I love our home. I love my neighbors. I have so many good qualities that make me a wonderful person. I'm just fat. As long as I am in this body I will not feel complete. I need to LOSE to be whole. As backwards as that sounds it makes perfect sense to me.
I still don't feel better. Fuck.
I've had a weight problem since I got on stupid birth control at 15. Clearly I cannot take the stuff. I remember weighing myself the day before freshman year. 145. That's not little. But it would be the last time I would see that number for 5 years. I've always been active. Always played sports year round. And even with all that exercise I managed to go from 145 to 186 between 10th and 12th grade. Then, at 18, when I took myself off the pill. The weight started coming off. By the time I was 20 I was down to 145 again. With minimal effort on my part might I add. I went through one summer where I worked out but I really toned up more than lost any weight. I wasn't on ANY birth control for the next 3 years and maintained that weight. Exercise here and there. Eating well but not dieting by any stretch. Then in 2003 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I had a surgery to remove it and was then put on a 6 month round of lupron. Which is basically chemically induced menopause. During this 6 months I got engaged, bought and remodeled a house, moved, planned a wedding and got married. I know brides typically lose weight before their big day even if its all stress related and not through any conscious effort. But I lost 20 pounds. Fast. Like in 2 months. It had to be the lupron. I was 126 pounds on my wedding day. Its hard to be fat after you've been that thin. REALLY REALLY hard.
So. I was married on April 5th. We went and enjoyed a lovely honeymoon and on the 13th we came home and gave each other our wedding presents by quitting smoking. I gained 20 pounds immediately. Like in less than 2 months. Then I found out I was pregnant. So by the time I even started gaining baby weight....I was up to just under 150. I went on to gain another 40 pounds in the next several months and was a whopping 187 the day I delivered my baby boy. I was SURE I would lose that weight and then some since I intended to nurse exclusively. Once that baby was out and I no longer had a reason to be big I developed a SERIOUS distaste for my body. One that has only gotton worse in the last two years. I am not one of those women that think saggy skin and stretch marks is beautiful because I got a baby out of it. No. Saggy skin is gross. Period. Children are wonderful but pregnancy is hell on your body.
Like I said I really was SURE nursing would help the weight come off. I got down to 155, but then stuck there for 6 months. I decided I must be one of those women that can't lose while nursing. I weaned when Ant was 13 months old. Then I JUST KNEW I'd FINALLY lose some weight. Especially now that I could really diet since I didn't have to worry about milk supply and I could really exercise since I no longer leaked. Well, one month after I dried up I had gained 5 pounds. Up to 160. So I immediately blamed my birthcontrol. Depo Provera. That HAD to be it. So I got off it and switched to a pill. MISTAKE. Gained 3 more pounds. 163. Damn. So I got BACK on the depo and had to get a DOUBLE shot because I just kept fucking bleeding ALL THE TIME. After the 2nd dose, the 3 pounds came off but I was still 160. Not happy. So. August of 2010 rolls around and I start working out. Running one day a week and Zumba 2 days a week. A month goes by. No weight loss. So I up my workouts and add a 3rd Zumba on Saturdays along with a toning class. Another month goes by. No weight loss. By November I've got 3 zumbas, a toning and I've added another running day to my week. I was now working out 5 days a week. I start gaining a little weight. And not muscle because my clothes were tight. I was pissed. So in December I decide to sign up for the Azalea Trail and add ANOTHER workout to help me train. One long run on Sundays. By January I'm running Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Doing Zumba Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and the toning class on Saturday as well. I go up to 164. I start to believe that as much as I love depo...it's making it impossible for me to lose so I get off it. Through February...no weight loss. So, very defeated, by March, perfect timing for lent, I forgo my very last vice. Dessert. Sweets. All of them. Gone. It has been one month today and I've gained an additional 4 pounds. 168.2 this morning. Please tell me how in the FUCK that is possible??? I do not drink soda, tea, juice or koolaid. I have coffee with splenda in the morning, water all day, milk with dinner. Sure my dinners could be a little healthier. But you know what?? As much as I fucking exercise I should be able to drink cake frosting milkshakes 3 times a day and STILL lose weight. I eat Special K for breakfast with 1% milk. A light lunch and IF on the rare occasion I have a snack between meals, its either fruit or yogurt. I don't eat fast food or fried food. When I say crap dinner....we have a lot of casseroles because when you have to squeeze 6-7 hours of exercise in your already busy working-mom-week you have to cut corners somewhere and a casserole is a busy bitches best friend. I don't eat 3 helpings of potatoes. I eat a proper serving of whatever meal I make for dinner. I make delicious food because cooking makes me happy. Its a passion and if I have to be fat I at least deserve a hobby that I enjoy. I've tried very hard. I've made a solid effort for NINE months now only to be rewarded with a Friday morning nervous breakdown because I cant button my pants and have to wear a sloppy tshirt to cover the fact that they are held together with a fucking ponytail holder. Just like when I was pregnant. In fact....I'm the same weight now that I was 2 months post partum. Thats fucking disgusting. I'm disgusting. I hate clothes. I hate pants. I hate mirrors. I hate shopping. I hate being uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate feeling trapped under this weight. I hate it. Its making me fucking insane. If I sat on my ass and gorged myself all the time I'd have no reason to whine whatsoever. But I work hard. I've sacrificed HUNDREDS of hours with my family to workout and it's all for fucking nothing. NOTHING. So the fuck what if I can run 5 miles. Call me vain but I don't give a fuck if I can run 20 miles if I can't wear a damn single digit size pair of pants. "Oh but you're so fit!" I. Don't. Care. That doesn't make a fucking bit of difference to me. I want to be thin. Period. I want to get dressed one morning and it not suck. I want to feel like I look cute. Not like I'm just hiding the fat well. My face is even fat. I have no jawline and am developing a second chin. No amount of makeup hides that.
And no I'm not some depressed lunatic. I have a fantastic husband, a beautiful child, great friends, excellent parents and a large extended family. I like my job. I have hobbies I enjoy. We may not be rich but we are able to pay the bills every month (so far) which is better than a lot of people right now. I know that I have a God that loves me. I love being a Mom and a Wife. I love being married to my best friend. I love our home. I love my neighbors. I have so many good qualities that make me a wonderful person. I'm just fat. As long as I am in this body I will not feel complete. I need to LOSE to be whole. As backwards as that sounds it makes perfect sense to me.
I still don't feel better. Fuck.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
15 Things to Do Before You Have Kids........B U L L S H I T
The Nest, a magazine for newlyweds that I meant to unsubscribe to a LONG time ago, emails me links to articles from time to time about newlywed-ish type stuff. Today's email was about 15 things to do before you have children. I had a feeling it would be irritating to read. But not only was it irritating, it was stupid, ridiculous and above all made the author look like a whiny puss parent who clearly feel that babies are the end of all that is fun and spontaneous. Let's pick this one apart shall we?
BUT...that doesn't mean after you have a baby you can NEVER EVER go wine tasting again. Every heard of over night babysitters??? Get one. Drive up Friday after work. Come back Saturday morning. Wine tasting complete. Baby got to be spoiled by Nana or Auntie. Everybody's happy.
And N A P T I M E.
In short, this bitch needs to stop being such a fucking martyr. I'm sorry your kids are the end of YOUR life. I feel my son was the beginning of mine. I think that every day is more fulfilling because he is in it. I don't feel held back by him. I'm not missing a damn thing by going to bed at 10. Staying out til the wee hours and getting sloshed hasn't been fun since I was 19 and if that is still fun to you, you shouldn't have had a kid.
And for the LOVE of God please never let your children find out how badly they have sidelined every chance of fun for the rest of your life. They are probably going to have a tough enough time having you as a parent PRETENDING to like them.
1. Go on a wine-tasting tour at a vineyard.
There's nothing fun for a kid about sitting still and being quiet while you sip something they can't. And those little wine crackers only entertain them for so long (believe me, I’ve tried).
Really? I love wine. LOVE....but I wouldn't attempt to bring a kid to a winery. For one, the reason above, for two, that's just like bringing a kid to a damn bar. Kids don't need to be around a bunch of drunk adults.BUT...that doesn't mean after you have a baby you can NEVER EVER go wine tasting again. Every heard of over night babysitters??? Get one. Drive up Friday after work. Come back Saturday morning. Wine tasting complete. Baby got to be spoiled by Nana or Auntie. Everybody's happy.
2. Go skydiving/bungee jumping/swimming with sharks...or whatever other crazy, life-risking thing you’ve got on your bucket list.
These activities are frowned upon when you’ve got little ones at home who kind of depend on your not being injured. Or dead. So file under before baby.
The type of people who have the balls to jump out of an airplane are not the type to be deterred from doing so just because of children. Plus, the death rate among skydivers is actually low. So go ahead and jump if you want.3. Make a list of all the restaurants and bars you've been meaning to check out -- and go.
Sure, you'll get out to eat when you have kids. But when there’s a sitter on the clock, you're more likely to pick a place you know will get you in and out, and not, say, that new pop-up restaurant 45 minutes away where they cook everything with a single match.
If I'm getting a sitter, it's going to be for more than an hour. Restaurants that get you in and out are the ones to go to WITH the kid.4. Appreciate the bathroom -- alone.
This one bears repeating. Seriously. Revel in the aloneness.
Anyone who has a pet doesn't pee alone. And so the fuck what??? Is it the end of the world to have a precious little voice on the other side of the door asking for Momma??? Whiny asshole. What is SO special about sitting on the toilet in silence?? It's just never been this sacred zen experience for me.5. Stop being so self-righteous.
When you see a mom or dad struggling with a tantrum-throwing kid in the airport or at the drugstore, don’t roll your eyes and think, My kid would never do that. Because he will. I guarantee.
Everybody does this before they have kids but it certainly doesn't stop after baby makes 3. I judge other parent's more now than I did before. Because there are just SO MANY BAD ONES OUT THERE.6. Take a road trip.
Anywhere. Together or solo, it doesn’t matter -- just relish in the complete silence or blast whatever kid-unfriendly music you like. Stop only when you want to or you need to, and enjoy the freedom. The car will never be the same post baby.
The car isn't the same post baby. But it's not worse. So what if you have to stop? Its nice to stop and stretch and take a break. Road trips are WAY over rated. Being in a car sucks. The only reason to take a road trip is because you are trying to get someplace awesome and are too afraid/broke to fly. They suck with our without children so don't pretend they are rainbows and sunshine before the car seat gets strapped in.7. Be spontaneous.
If someone says, “Let’s do ____.” Do ____. Because you can.
This is the only one that might have some merit....but even BEFORE I had a baby I wasn't spontaneous. For one, it's not in my personality to not plan things. And two, other people have their own obligations and work schedules you have to dance around.8. Spend an entire day in bed together watching movies.
You will likely never do this once you have kids unless A) you have the flu, in which case, not so enjoyable, or B) your kid has the flu, in which case said movies will likely feature talking rodents. Again, not so enjoyable
First off bitch, if you don't like Disney movies...don't have kids. 2nd, what kind of happiness-nazi hates Disney movies and 3rd...B A B Y S I T T E R. Send Jr. to Nana's for the night and get some alone time with your husband. Not hard. You act like this kid will be superglued to your asshole til it's grown. They won't be. Chill out.9. Have boozy lunches with friends.
You’ll probably try this once you have kids, and it will seem great...until you get home and realize you still have to parent and bedtime isn’t for another five hours. D’oh!
Jeez I'm sorry motherhood interrupts your boozing so much. I don't drink in the middle of the day for 1 because I have a JOB and for 2 I have to DRIVE and 3 I'll feel like shit later. Boozing in the middle of the day is for Spring Breakers. Put on your big girl panties and woman up.10. Feed your minimalist side.
Get a white chair/couch/rug/anything else you wouldn’t want stained. Leave your wineglass or coffee cup on it and watch it not get knocked over. Enjoy it while you can, because once there’s a little one tottering around, you can kiss it good-bye!
Another annoying one. I've NEVER had a white couch. Because before I had a kid I had friends and I've always had pets. And I had a home where people actually came over and sat down. You think kids are the only ones who spill shit?? It was an ADULT that dumped red wine down my wedding dress AT MY WEDDING. Not a kid.11. Have morning sex.
And doors-open sex. And not-in-the-bedroom sex. And loud sex. Sure, you’ll still have sex post-kids. But most of these particular sex flavors will go off the menu when the little ones arrive, so partake while you can.
Little ones can put a damper on your marital relations...but again. B A B Y S I T T E R.And N A P T I M E.
12. Be the last ones to leave the party.
No matter what you say now, as a couple with kids, you’ll be calling it a night long before your baby-free friends. (Trust me, you won’t have it in you, and even if you do, people will talk.) That means missing out on those crazy-fun hours when all the really fun nonsense happens, also known as the stuff you reminisce about once you have kids.
For God's sake I hope your kids don't know what a big ass cock block they are to your life. Jesus. Being the last at the party isn't stopped by kids, its stopped by age and responsibility. I quit staying out late when I turned 22. Long before the kid came along. Why? Because its not fun anymore when 2am Waffle House leaves you sidelined for days. Don't blame your kids, blame your age.13. Fly first class.
Everyone deserves to board the plane first (without a stroller, car seat and screaming kid), eat warm nuts and drink free beverages at least once in their life. And even if you can afford it, it’s just wrong to fly first class with a tot (people don’t spend all the extra cash to listen to crying babies the whole time). Promise you won’t be those parents!
I don't know a fucking soul that can afford first class. And if I managed to scrape up that much money I'd have to walk back immediately because I'd have none left over to stay anywhere or fly back home.14. Wear as much silk, cashmere, dry-clean-only clothing as you possibly can, while you still can.
Kids can get their gunk on you without even making contact. It’s one of their many superpowers.
Um I've never wore 'dry clean only' because it's a pain in the ass. And silk and cashmere? Can't afford it. But the nice outfits (nice to ME) that I have are more likely to be stained from my dinner than by my kid. His cups have lids, and I don't let him eat cheese puffs if we are about to go somewhere that requires an expensive outfit. Sorry. Common fucking sense. You act like they are these little Pigpens that just ooze dirt and koolaid. Not true.15. Take a career risk.
Go for the promotion, the career change or any other work-related risk that will feel too risky once there are dependents involved. You have the rest of your life to worry about income, stability and paying for diapers and college. Take advantage of this time to pursue your passions or figure out whatever the hell it is you want to do.
I can agree with this one to an extent. If you want to blow your savings to start a business, do it before you have kids. But just changing jobs or taking a promotion? How is that risky?In short, this bitch needs to stop being such a fucking martyr. I'm sorry your kids are the end of YOUR life. I feel my son was the beginning of mine. I think that every day is more fulfilling because he is in it. I don't feel held back by him. I'm not missing a damn thing by going to bed at 10. Staying out til the wee hours and getting sloshed hasn't been fun since I was 19 and if that is still fun to you, you shouldn't have had a kid.
And for the LOVE of God please never let your children find out how badly they have sidelined every chance of fun for the rest of your life. They are probably going to have a tough enough time having you as a parent PRETENDING to like them.
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