1. Go on a wine-tasting tour at a vineyard.
There's nothing fun for a kid about sitting still and being quiet while you sip something they can't. And those little wine crackers only entertain them for so long (believe me, I’ve tried).
Really? I love wine. LOVE....but I wouldn't attempt to bring a kid to a winery. For one, the reason above, for two, that's just like bringing a kid to a damn bar. Kids don't need to be around a bunch of drunk adults.BUT...that doesn't mean after you have a baby you can NEVER EVER go wine tasting again. Every heard of over night babysitters??? Get one. Drive up Friday after work. Come back Saturday morning. Wine tasting complete. Baby got to be spoiled by Nana or Auntie. Everybody's happy.
2. Go skydiving/bungee jumping/swimming with sharks...or whatever other crazy, life-risking thing you’ve got on your bucket list.
These activities are frowned upon when you’ve got little ones at home who kind of depend on your not being injured. Or dead. So file under before baby.
The type of people who have the balls to jump out of an airplane are not the type to be deterred from doing so just because of children. Plus, the death rate among skydivers is actually low. So go ahead and jump if you want.3. Make a list of all the restaurants and bars you've been meaning to check out -- and go.
Sure, you'll get out to eat when you have kids. But when there’s a sitter on the clock, you're more likely to pick a place you know will get you in and out, and not, say, that new pop-up restaurant 45 minutes away where they cook everything with a single match.
If I'm getting a sitter, it's going to be for more than an hour. Restaurants that get you in and out are the ones to go to WITH the kid.4. Appreciate the bathroom -- alone.
This one bears repeating. Seriously. Revel in the aloneness.
Anyone who has a pet doesn't pee alone. And so the fuck what??? Is it the end of the world to have a precious little voice on the other side of the door asking for Momma??? Whiny asshole. What is SO special about sitting on the toilet in silence?? It's just never been this sacred zen experience for me.5. Stop being so self-righteous.
When you see a mom or dad struggling with a tantrum-throwing kid in the airport or at the drugstore, don’t roll your eyes and think, My kid would never do that. Because he will. I guarantee.
Everybody does this before they have kids but it certainly doesn't stop after baby makes 3. I judge other parent's more now than I did before. Because there are just SO MANY BAD ONES OUT THERE.6. Take a road trip.
Anywhere. Together or solo, it doesn’t matter -- just relish in the complete silence or blast whatever kid-unfriendly music you like. Stop only when you want to or you need to, and enjoy the freedom. The car will never be the same post baby.
The car isn't the same post baby. But it's not worse. So what if you have to stop? Its nice to stop and stretch and take a break. Road trips are WAY over rated. Being in a car sucks. The only reason to take a road trip is because you are trying to get someplace awesome and are too afraid/broke to fly. They suck with our without children so don't pretend they are rainbows and sunshine before the car seat gets strapped in.7. Be spontaneous.
If someone says, “Let’s do ____.” Do ____. Because you can.
This is the only one that might have some merit....but even BEFORE I had a baby I wasn't spontaneous. For one, it's not in my personality to not plan things. And two, other people have their own obligations and work schedules you have to dance around.8. Spend an entire day in bed together watching movies.
You will likely never do this once you have kids unless A) you have the flu, in which case, not so enjoyable, or B) your kid has the flu, in which case said movies will likely feature talking rodents. Again, not so enjoyable
First off bitch, if you don't like Disney movies...don't have kids. 2nd, what kind of happiness-nazi hates Disney movies and 3rd...B A B Y S I T T E R. Send Jr. to Nana's for the night and get some alone time with your husband. Not hard. You act like this kid will be superglued to your asshole til it's grown. They won't be. Chill out.9. Have boozy lunches with friends.
You’ll probably try this once you have kids, and it will seem great...until you get home and realize you still have to parent and bedtime isn’t for another five hours. D’oh!
Jeez I'm sorry motherhood interrupts your boozing so much. I don't drink in the middle of the day for 1 because I have a JOB and for 2 I have to DRIVE and 3 I'll feel like shit later. Boozing in the middle of the day is for Spring Breakers. Put on your big girl panties and woman up.10. Feed your minimalist side.
Get a white chair/couch/rug/anything else you wouldn’t want stained. Leave your wineglass or coffee cup on it and watch it not get knocked over. Enjoy it while you can, because once there’s a little one tottering around, you can kiss it good-bye!
Another annoying one. I've NEVER had a white couch. Because before I had a kid I had friends and I've always had pets. And I had a home where people actually came over and sat down. You think kids are the only ones who spill shit?? It was an ADULT that dumped red wine down my wedding dress AT MY WEDDING. Not a kid.11. Have morning sex.
And doors-open sex. And not-in-the-bedroom sex. And loud sex. Sure, you’ll still have sex post-kids. But most of these particular sex flavors will go off the menu when the little ones arrive, so partake while you can.
Little ones can put a damper on your marital relations...but again. B A B Y S I T T E R.And N A P T I M E.
12. Be the last ones to leave the party.
No matter what you say now, as a couple with kids, you’ll be calling it a night long before your baby-free friends. (Trust me, you won’t have it in you, and even if you do, people will talk.) That means missing out on those crazy-fun hours when all the really fun nonsense happens, also known as the stuff you reminisce about once you have kids.
For God's sake I hope your kids don't know what a big ass cock block they are to your life. Jesus. Being the last at the party isn't stopped by kids, its stopped by age and responsibility. I quit staying out late when I turned 22. Long before the kid came along. Why? Because its not fun anymore when 2am Waffle House leaves you sidelined for days. Don't blame your kids, blame your age.13. Fly first class.
Everyone deserves to board the plane first (without a stroller, car seat and screaming kid), eat warm nuts and drink free beverages at least once in their life. And even if you can afford it, it’s just wrong to fly first class with a tot (people don’t spend all the extra cash to listen to crying babies the whole time). Promise you won’t be those parents!
I don't know a fucking soul that can afford first class. And if I managed to scrape up that much money I'd have to walk back immediately because I'd have none left over to stay anywhere or fly back home.14. Wear as much silk, cashmere, dry-clean-only clothing as you possibly can, while you still can.
Kids can get their gunk on you without even making contact. It’s one of their many superpowers.
Um I've never wore 'dry clean only' because it's a pain in the ass. And silk and cashmere? Can't afford it. But the nice outfits (nice to ME) that I have are more likely to be stained from my dinner than by my kid. His cups have lids, and I don't let him eat cheese puffs if we are about to go somewhere that requires an expensive outfit. Sorry. Common fucking sense. You act like they are these little Pigpens that just ooze dirt and koolaid. Not true.15. Take a career risk.
Go for the promotion, the career change or any other work-related risk that will feel too risky once there are dependents involved. You have the rest of your life to worry about income, stability and paying for diapers and college. Take advantage of this time to pursue your passions or figure out whatever the hell it is you want to do.
I can agree with this one to an extent. If you want to blow your savings to start a business, do it before you have kids. But just changing jobs or taking a promotion? How is that risky?In short, this bitch needs to stop being such a fucking martyr. I'm sorry your kids are the end of YOUR life. I feel my son was the beginning of mine. I think that every day is more fulfilling because he is in it. I don't feel held back by him. I'm not missing a damn thing by going to bed at 10. Staying out til the wee hours and getting sloshed hasn't been fun since I was 19 and if that is still fun to you, you shouldn't have had a kid.
And for the LOVE of God please never let your children find out how badly they have sidelined every chance of fun for the rest of your life. They are probably going to have a tough enough time having you as a parent PRETENDING to like them.
