Ahh Pete's. I love Pete's. It's been cold and ugly outside for what seems like 14 forevers so it's nice to have somewhere to take the youngin' where he can expel some of his infinite energy and get some pizza. He's not big enough to get in the big kid castle climb-y tower-y thing yet. Which I learned by going in there WITH him like a super mommy MORON. I had so many bruises on my legs after leaving that thing I looked like a Russian whore. Needless to say, he has to stay in the soft play area now. I get a table right next to it and when I'm not standing over him policing him, I'm sitting at the table watching his every move. Why? Because Pete's play area may be closed off and locked, but it's not a cage for people to just toss their kids in while the parents enjoy a break and can come back and get them whenever the hell they feel like it. All the kids that work there are teenagers (talk about genius birth control...they should all spend a semester doing work credit there), not zookeepers, and their jobs are to exchange tickets for cheap prizes, stop and start the choo choo train and bring out pizza. NOT to babysit YOUR kids. Parents have gotten LAZY. It's ridiculous. Let me share the tale of the satan child from our last visit.
My buddy Liz and I, with our 2 year old boys, arrive at Pete's on a cold rainy Friday evening. We order our pizza, grab our usual table and cut the boys loose in the soft play area. They get bored in 3 minutes so we switch to the choo choo train, then back to soft play, then 5 minutes later to the little ride on...things. You know what I'm talking about. Stick a quarter in it and the what-appears-to-be-plastic three-horse carousel spins for about 45 seconds? This is where we first encountered 'him'. 'He', who shall be referred to as Lucifer from here on out, was already on the carousel. It wasn't moving. He was just sitting on the horse. Kinda sad. He was a cute little thing. Maybe 4. Curly blond hair and a dimpled precious face. But looks can be deceiving. We put our boys on the two free horses and Liz dropped in a couple tokens. Off they went, Liz standing on one side, me on the other, just in case one of the boys gets squirrely and tries to dive off. On about the 3rd pass, Lucifer reaches out and grabs a handful of my tshirt and holds on, either dragging me with the carousel or dragging him off. I grabbed his hand, pulled it away and sweetly asked him to please not grab my shirt. Next time around, he does it again. I grab his hand and tell him no and back close to the wall in an effort to get out of his reach. Didn't work. This time he got my purse and held on. I smacked his hand and told him NO. I was getting pissed. This little bastard is already getting a free ride and WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS? Finally the carousel of death stops spinning and this kid runs off....for a minute. Our boys want to go again so we drop some tokens in and go back to our posts. Some man walks up with his little girl, maybe 18 months old, and puts her on the empty horse. Which annoyed me at first, but then he tossed Liz a couple tokens. I know its stupid to seethe over 50 cents but it's the principal that you can't just assume people will be okay paying for your kid. Nothing is free. Anyway. Halfway through this ride, the little girls dad has walked off and Lucifer is back. He starts mashing buttons on the thing you put quarters in and is generally all up on Liz. Liz is incredibly more tolerant of other people's bullshit than I am. I already want to ring the little bastards neck. Then he comes around to where I'm standing and goes to grab Liz's son's pants leg, almost pulling him off and under the damn carousel while it's spinning. I snatched him by his arm and shoved him away. He goes back for more, this time trying to climb on it while it's turning. I grabbed him again and drug him out from behind and away from the carousel and LOUDLY asked who in the HELL this kid belonged to? Nobody answers. He scampers off. Thank God. I later saw his mother. White trash, bra-less, toothless, fried hair, socks and flip flops wearing cow. Dad had less hair but the same amount of teeth and was ALSO sporting socks with sandals. They were stuffing their faces while their devil spawn terrorized the whole place. Assholes. A few minutes later, I take my boy into the small arcade with games for the little kids and try to win him an animal out of the crane machine. He is standing next to me, behaving himself and watching the crane take my money, when here comes Lucifer again, knocking him out of the way and jumping up and down pointing at what animal HE wants and thinks he's getting. I shove him away and pick my kid up off the floor and head back to the table where we all enjoy our pizza in peace. After they eat, the boys go back to the soft area and here comes Lucifer AGAIN. This time he wraps his hands around some kids throat (thankfully not my kid or I'd be writing this blog on a prison wall) and his fat ass momma FINALLY steps in. She proceeds to wrap her hands around HIS neck and explain that this is just how you deal with him because he's autistic. Um. What? If he's autistic I'm mickey fucking mouse. He's just BAD. He looked me dead in my face and tried to interact with me. That's not autism. He doesn't need meds. He needs his little ass whipped. But I'm not a doctor so I guess I could be entirely wrong. He could in fact have autism on some scale. In which case, I'm the jackhole that strong armed a special kid. But in my defense...if your kid has a diagnosed disorder and behavioral problems...what the FUCK are you doing turning him loose in a place like that?? And you can't blame it ALL on autism. I know PLENTY of autistic children that are sweet and well behaved because their parents put in the effort. Further proof people need to pass a battery of tests before they should be able to procreate.
That was just ONE visit and ONE kid. When we had a birthday party there, the offenses heaped upon us were numerous. And ALL because people don't watch their kids. We had two children we didn't even know come sit down in a chair in the private party room and ask for a cupcake. I told them to leave. I'm sorry. I'm a hateful, brutally honest, dream crusher and children are not spared. These brats are too damn sensitive these days. Everybody gets picked, everybody gets a trophy, everybody gets invited and gets a cupcake. Nope. Sorry. If you suck you don't make the team, if you lose you don't get a trophy, if you didn't get invited, tough shit and no you don't get a cupcake from SOMEBODY ELSE'S BIRTHDAY. It's amazing! The soft play area is for little kids (under 3 ft) only, yet there are always some 7-10 year old kids in there terrorizing the little ones and knocking them down. Nobody knows how to wait their turn. The kids have NO manners and listen to NOBODY. If you ask them to do something, the holler "YOUR NOT MY MOMMA!!" When we were kids, if an adult told you to do something, you said yes ma'am/sir and DID it. Period. My momma would've whooped my ASS had I smarted off to an adult. But times have clearly changed. Kids will be kids so parents need to step it up. I know you're busy. We're all busy. We all have work and households to run, family obligations, sports, girl/boy scouts, music lessons, errands and LIFE in general. We're all over worked, underpaid and stressed the hell out. That doesn't mean you get to slack ass on the parenting and leave it up to daycare, teachers, lifeguards and park/playground/Pete's/Chuckie Cheese employees. You need to teach your little demon howler monkeys to behave in public so I don't feel like every time I go to an event geared towards children I've been transported to a real life Lord of the Flies. This madness HAS to stop and it starts at home.
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