Bad Drivers

Today seems like a good day for a nice rant on people's inability to operate a motor vehicle.  Before I start my bitching, I will go ahead and say a prayer to God and the distributor of karma that I am by no means perfect, so please don't reward my bashing of other people skills with an accident of my own.  Unless you want to run a deer in front of me.  I'll take that.  But please make it a big one.  Not rack, just body.  I need the meat. Amen.
Moving on.  I don't know if people have always been this ridiculous or if I'm just getting less oblivious the older I get.  I do remember my mom calling people hilarious names in the car when I was child so I guess sucky drivers aren't a new development.
Just this week I've encountered the following and they drive. me. insane.
1.  That big ass white line at an intersection, that's where your front bumper goes, not your back tires jackass.  Sometimes I wish I drove a big ass piece of shit derby car so when people do this and I have to turn left around them I could just ram the hell out of them. 
2.  Speeding through residential streets and more specifically MY residential street.  I know its my job to keep my kid out of the road, but still, the speed limit is 30.  Going 50 makes me want to sit on my roof with a sniper rifle and take your ass out.  Since that's illegal I may just sit at the edge of my driveway with a bucket of softballs and lightly toss one in front of your windshield as you pass by.  If you had been going the speed limit, it probably would've just bounced off.  But since you are an asshole going too fast, you now have a giant hole in your windshield and need a new pair of pants.  Haha.
3.  SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT!!!  I cannot even explain the rage I feel when two cars ride side by side on the interstate going 65.  Get out of my f***ing way.  I want to put the pit move on you SO freakin bad and spin your dumb inconsiderate ass off into the median.
4. The whole purpose of the effing turning lane is so you can get in it to slow down/stop without slowing down EVERYBODY behind you.  Don't STOP and THEN move into the turning lane, stupid. 
5.  And speaking of turning, that stick coming out of your steering column is to alert the non-psychics of your intentions.  Use it.
6.  Rattling. Freaking. Trunks.  FORTHELOVEOFGOD.  If I wanted to hear that godawful shit you are listening too.....I'd be sitting in YOUR car.  I don't want to hear your trunk rattling off the hinges and somebody hollering about their ho's and a glock from 4 lanes over.  I would love to end that noise with a blast of buckshot but alas, that is ALSO illegal.  Lucky you.
7.  An extension of the loud ass music.  When you stop in a gas station.  Turn. That. Shit. Off.  Nobody wants to hear it.  You aren't cool.  In fact, I am going to reach in your car, take the keys out and throw that shit in traffic.  Why do you leave your car on anyway?  That is just asking for people to steal it.  I wish somebody would so myself nor my little one would suffer any hearing loss due to your noise.  Thank God my kid can't understand a word of that crap because its sure nothing I want him repeating.  I hate you. 
8.  If I have to even TAP my break....you've pulled out in front of me.  Another moment I wish I was in the derby car.  I'd like to smash your trunk in.
9.  If you can't park it, don't drive it.  Period.
10.  Those mirrors aren't for your vanity.  Try looking for cars in them before you blindly switch lanes.  And how about that blinker?
11.  If I let you out in traffic and you don't offer that little wave of appreciation it makes me want to floor it right into the side of your ungrateful ass.
12.  Although I bitch about people going WAY past the white line at an intersection, please pull ALL THE WAY up too it.  I can't stand when I need to turn right and some jackhole is blocking me in because they are stupid and oblivious and won't pull up 10 feet.
13. Pay attention.  Don't text or put on makeup while driving.  PLEASE.  I'd like to make it home to my family and my family make it home to me.  And if you do wait until you stop at a red light to send that text message, fine.  Thank you.  But you still need to mind the light. Green means GO.  And if I have to sit through this damn thing twice because you are a MORON I'm going to lose. My. Shit.
14. Green may mean GO, but Red means STOP.  90 seconds isn't worth dying over.  I've seen too many accidents end tragically because some dumbass had to floor it to beat the light and ended up smashing into and killing somebody.  That person should be strapped the front of a semi and driven into a brick wall.
15.  Buzzed driving IS drunk driving.  I think if you get busted driving drunk your ass needs to be implanted with some kind of chip that will render a car useless if you come within 2 feet of the steering wheel.  And if you really fuck up and hurt or God forbid kill somebody, the cops should just shoot you right there.  Period.
16. Turn on your fucking lights in the rain, fog and especially at night.  Dumbass.  You may be awesomely gifted with stellar vision and can see just fine thankyouverymuch....it's so OTHER people can see YOU.
17.  You won't flip over if you turn going faster than 5mph.  Get. Out. Of. The. Way.
18.  If you are too scared to go faster than 30 miles per hour then call a damn cab.  I swear EVERY time I get on Dawes I get stuck behind some fucktard going 30 miles per hour and a 6 mile drive that normally takes about 8-10 minutes now takes 20.  I wish I could have some RPG's installed behind my fog lights so I could blow your stupid worthless ass off the road with the touch of a button.  Which is probably why I should never be president.  Iran get an attitude?  Red button.  Pakistan make a threat? Red button. 
19.  I love LOVE it when people block a whole lane of traffic because they are stopped in the road trying to squeeze into the next lane over.  You weren't paying attention.  If you can't get over without inconveniencing somebody else I suggest you just keep driving until you CAN get over, find a place to turn around and try again.  You are fucking up the flow.  Stop it. 
And finally.....the worst of all.
20.  If you hear sirens or see an ambulance...move.  Somewhere. ANYWHERE. When I see people making no effort to yield to emergency response vehicles....oh I cannot even put on screen the level of ill will I wish them.  Thanks to you somebody's stroke has now caused permanent damage, or its taking to long to resuscitate somebody.  Because of YOU. I think firetrucks and ambulances should be outfitted with the above referenced RPG system.

One day, I'm going to lose it. I'm just going to fill up a 5 gallon bucket full of softballs, grab a sharpie and go driving.  I will write things like "Use the blinker WHORE" or "Get off the phone ASSHOLE!"  on the ball and throw it into their window.  Maybe that will get their attention.  Or we could just all carry paintball guns at all times and when somebody commits an offense to you or anybody else, tag them.  Then we will see these cars littered in paint ball marks and know to avoid them.