Kids in Restaurants

I waited tables at a local restaurant for a few years and therefore I've dealt with alot of assholes. But of all the types that you come across, the worst are people with kids. 
These assholes came into the restaurant and turned their rabid howler monkey children loose to wreak havoc on everybody and everything while they got to eat their meals in peace.  The little bastards tried to sneak in the kitchen, trip up servers carrying trays, take condiments from the stand, dump out salt and pepper on the tables, smear jello into carpets, build forts with sugar packets....it was madness.  I tried not to judge, as I myself wasn't a parent.  I just knew that as a child, had I behaved in such a manner for even ONE SECOND, my mother would have whipped. My. Ass.
But now, I AM a parent....so that has earned me the right to judge away.  And I have a few things to say to these so-called parents.
Here is a list of what you would THINK would be common sense rules in restaurants.
1. Don't let that heathen devil out of your site.  They need to be within smacking distance of you at all times.  Don't let them run loose.  Not just for their safety but for the safety of the staff and other patrons.  I bet your ass will be the first to sue when Jr. knocks over a waitress and gets scalded with the coffee she was carrying.
2.  If they make a mess, you clean it up. I know, you go out to dinner so you don't have to clean.  That's cool.  But there are some duties that are not the responsibility of wait staff.  We should have to clear plates, cups, silverware, napkins, minor spillages and wipe down the tables and seats after you've gone.  Maybe refill the sugar caddies.  However, picking up dirty diapers, scrubbing jello out of the floor, getting entire plates of food out from up under the table, searching for forks that little Betsy chucked in a fit of spoiled rage...these are things YOU need to PREVENT from even happening.  In the event that you FAIL. You need to clean it up.  Period.  Your kid is  YOUR responsibility.  Leaving a 10 ft area of total destruction after one 30 minute meal is unacceptable.
3.  Don't let them anywhere near the salt & pepper shaker, ketchup, hot sauce, sugar caddy OR the menu.   These things are not toys.  If your kid is bored, either entertain them, or bring a toy they can play with quietly at the table.
4.  Do Not. Under ANY circumstances.  Change a diaper. At the table.  I cannot believe I even have to type that.  I don't care if its only #1.  Its gross and unsanitary.  "But the changing station in the bathroom is GROSS."  I'm aware of that.  Take the baby to the car.  Sure it's a bitch but being a parent isn't a fucking cake walk.  Suck it up.
5.  You may be able to tune out your baby screaming bloody murder....but the rest of us cannot.  Take that child outside.  Now.  You do not have the right to disrupt every other patron who is paying for a quiet meal.  But you aren't finished eating??? I don't give a fuck.  Have them box that shit up and take it home with you.  You won't be the first or last parent to eat a cold meal.  I had to reheat my dinner twice last night.  It's part of it.  Deal with it.
6. Don't bring your kid to a restaurant sick.  You'd think this is common sense, but just last week my husband and I went out to eat with our little boy, and this little girl in the booth behind me kept poking her head over the edge, trying to interact with us....with a giant snot rocket pouring out of her nose.  Then she wipes her nose with her hand and puts her hand all over the seat, table, EVERYTHING.  That. Is. Gross.  Keep that child at home.  Either cook, or get takeout for God's sake, you selfcentered fuck.
7.  Which brings me to this one.....do not let your kids bother neighboring patrons.  I don't like your kid.  I don't want to play with him or her or interact with them at all.  I like MY kid....everybody Else's kid is just an annoying germy brat.   Like the above mentioned little girl...who was trying to get my kid to play with her.  It's hard enough keeping your child's attention focused on his race car or coloring book or food and keeping him quiet and calm and not fucking up other peoples dining experience without YOUR kid egging him on.  Can you help out a little and keep Snotty McSnotnose contained please???? 
8.  Toys.  Bring an appropriate toy to to distract the kid please. A see n say would not be on that list.  I don't want to hear a dog say ruff ruff OVER AND OVER.  I've seen people bring remote control cars into restaurants.  For Christs sake people.  Really?  Lets think ahead shall we? I can't stand these toys AT HOME and have small personal celebrations when the batteries die.  Therefore I would NEVER subject the public to such annoyances.
9.  Children in public restrooms.  Wow. The epitome of disgusting.  I know how hard it is to pee and try to wrangle a toddler when  you are on your own in a public potty.  But I manage.  Because regardless of his protest, I had his little arm in my fist and he wasn't going ANYWHERE.  Some parents let their kids crawl ON THE FLOOR in the bathroom.  They peek under stall doors at other people, grab a toilet paper roll and RUN leaving a streamer across the bathroom.  Flush toys down the toilet, stopping it up.  Grab hand fulls of napkins and throw them, pour soap all over the counter.  I'd hate to see inside the homes these little terror suspects come from.  I'd also hate to see them as adults considering the MORONS that are raising them.
10...and finally.  BIG families.  I mean BIG.  The state law in daycare centers is only 6 children per adult.  I wish they'd enforce that crap on the public.  MOST parents that have that many children have a handle on this parenting thing or can't afford to take the whole crew out to supper.  But there was this one family...my God.  They came every Thursday, because it was kids night.  Poor. White. Trash mother.  Never saw the dad.  She had 7 kids.  Foster, adopted and biological.  The biological ones were just like her.  Fat, dirty and smelly with bad manners.  The others had serious behavioral issues, two of them were special needs.  Confined to a wheelchair.  I do pity the poor things.  I do.  So I'm sorry I sound like such a total insensitive prickhead....but if your children are mentally and physically disabled to the point that they are preteens in diapers that can only communicate by wailing and are on feeding tubes and therefore can't even consume solid food....don't bring them to restaurants. Its entirely too much stimuli on their nervous systems and they  freak the fuck out.  And when Mom doesn't even bat an eyelash when the fat one smacks the special one for shrieking and the bad ones are carving their initials in the wooden tables....then we have a problem.


Surprisingly, these are the only major offenses I can come up with at this time.  I'm sure as soon as I hit 'post' 20 more will come to mind.