Pregnant women are people, too

Pregnancy is tough.  It was for me at least. It wasn't the back aches, the weight gain, the heartburn, the leg cramps, the constant pee breaks, the worrying or the clinical insanity.  All of that was a small price to pay for the kicks, hiccups and little fluttering heartbeat that would become my whole entire reason for existence.
It was PEOPLE that make pregnancy intolerable. I've said before that if I could spend my next pregnancy in a bubble I would be totally happy.  It is AMAZING the things that people do and say to pregnant women.  After being one myself, I can testify that this particular rant will need to be published in every Sunday paper from now on.  Period.

1.   Belly touchers.  That shit is not okay.  Don't even ask.  Unless it is a very very close friend or relative, hands off the belly.  Our immune systems are already compromised.  I know the bellies are cute.  Even I get tempted on occasion but I refrain.  Because after having complete strangers in WALMART walk up and rub my belly like I'm lucky fucking Buddha, I refuse to EVER put another woman through that.  It's gross.
2.  Horrid labor stories.  Look bitches.  We are already stressed enough.  Pregnant women do not ever under any circumstances need to hear about your complicated 34 hour labor that literally ripped you a new asshole or that your cousins baby was born without a face.  Seriously??? WHY would you deem this information helpful OR appropriate?  THINK before you speak, dick.
3.  Baby names.  This is an inevitable question.  "What are you going to name him/her?"  I don't care if the mommy-to-be says "Sparkle Carebear Jehovah", the ONLY acceptable answer is "Oh I LOVE IT!"  If you think its the dumbest effing name EVER to exist, you keep that shit to yourself.  I really don't know why you think YOUR opinion of HER child's name would make one fucking bit of difference anyway. "Oh no! The Walmart cashier doesn't find my child's name appropriate.  Better get out the list for a re-do."  Yeah right.  People did this to me before we knew what we were having.   When I thought it was a girl and had a particular name in mind I actually had somebody wrinkle their nose and say "Eww why?"  What the fuck?  Really??
4.  What a pregnant woman eats is NONE of your business. The baby will want what he/she wants and if that is a chocolate covered twinkie for breakfast then so be it.  I had SO many people come up to me while I was eating and say "Should you be eating that?"  "You know fish has mercury."  "Caffeine is bad for the baby."  Ridiculous.  Until I start hammering tequila....you need to keep your fucking mouth shut and worry about YOU.  Whats funny is it was usually giant fat women that would say shit to me.  Would it be appropriate to walk up to a fat lady and say "Um, should you be eating McDonalds?"  No. So why does being pregnant change that rule?
5.  "Don't reach above your head! The chord will wrap around the baby's neck!!" and other wives tales need to be stricken from the English language.  Heartburn does not prove the baby will have hair, more dairy cravings doesn't mean a girl and more meat doesn't mean a boy.  Being HUGE doesn't mean you are having a huge baby.  Hence my 60lb gain and 7lb pounder.  Just stop with the predictions.  It's annoying.
6.  "You should try natural birth.  It's best for the baby."  Don't EVER push your birthing plan opinions on a woman unless you are her doctor.  It is entirely HER decision and she's likely already made up her mind.  If you want to just be nosy, go ahead and ask if she had a plan in mind.  But just like the whole name thing, there is only one acceptable answer and that is "Well I'm sure it will turn out just fine."  Period.
7.  Breast or bottle?  How a woman chooses to nourish her newborn is also on the list of "None of your motherfucking concern".   If she wants to put barley water in a latex glove and feed that baby through the thumb....that's her business.  Who do you think you are to berate a woman for choosing one or the other or quiz her reasoning?  Why is it ANY of your business?  Being a mother is hard enough without assholes like you butting in. If you HAVE to ask, the only motivation behind it should be if you have any helpful advice to offer.  I nursed exclusively AND held a full time job. I had to regularly call up my cousins that nursed for advice and I just want my friends that decide to drive down that path to know my phone is always on if they need me because that shit is hard and you need support.  I can't offer any insight into formula because I never bought the stuff.  But that doesn't make me any better than anybody else.  We are all mothers just doing our best.  Stop the judging.
8.  "Oh my God!  You. Are. HUGE!"  Guess what??  She's pregnant, not blind.  Nobody is more tuned in to the size of her ass than she is.  This comment is so far beyond inappropriate.  You would never say that to a friend if they were just fat from binging on HoHo's would you?  No.  Because it's rude. Same applies here.  The only comment you need to make to a pregnant woman regarding her appearance is "Oh my GOD!  You look freaking adorable/gorgeous/fantastic!"  Period.
9. "Don't pick that up!"  Once again, she is pregnant, not handicapped.  Don't go hollering at her for taking out garbage or picking up a big ass basket of laundry.  We are aware of our physical limitations.  We may have to stand sideways to do laundry or dishes, and we may not be able to shave without knicking an artery, but we can pick up small children and put groceries in the car.  Stop tripping.
10.  Unsolicited advice.  FORTHELOVEOFGOD I think this was the worst one.  "You should do this. Have you thought about that?  Such and such is better that so and so. Get this, not that"  It's never ending.  We encounter numerous strangers DAILY that spout off to us in addition to our own family and friends.  Please spare us the hassle and just shut up.

There is a whole other list of shit that people do to new mommies, like the baby touchers....but I will save that for another day.  Until then, heed this advice.  Please.