At the Movies

I hate going to the movies.  Aside from it costing entirely too much money and the high probability the movie will suck, its just one more place I have to tolerate stupid fucking people.  I want to take this list and put it on the screen in every theatre before EVERY movie.  And I want bouncers.  I want a bouncer with a remote that can pause the movie and physically remove the douches from the theatre and then resume the movie so nobody misses anything AND we can pay attention to the asshole getting schooled to get even more entertainment for the money.  Every time I go to the movies it costs me 15-20 dollars.  That's a matinee by myself.  That's not date night with the hubs.  Then your looking more at 35-40.  For that kind of money you'd better not destroy my experience by committing one or more of the following offenses.
1. Shut the fuck up.  This should be a given.  Don't you open your fucking mouth.  If I can hear you, I should be able to punch you in the teeth.  If you want to carry on a conversation go to a fucking restaurant.
2. This also includes talking on the phone. Which is worse because you can't whisper.  Go outside you asshole.
3. Another thing about the phone. Turn that fucking thing on silent. Not vibrate....silent.  I don't want to hear buzz buzz from your purse and then the subsequent rustling of you trying to find the damn thing in the dark in that giant effing bag you brought (full of food no less).
4.  There are etiquette settings on phones for a reason.  In addition to silent, you need to turn the light to dim.  I don't want the equivalent of 40 fucking flashlights distracting me from the screen.  The only light I need to see is the Mag light the above referenced bouncer is carrying to shine on you before whacking you in the cranium with it.  Movie paused first of course.
5.  You are not at home.  Keep your dirty ass shoes ON your stinky ass feet and OFF the back of my chair.
6.  Move down to make room.  If there are 3 couples in a row with a chair between each couple you're being an inconsiderate douche if you don't scooch down when you see two people looking for seats in a crowded theatre.
7. Go ahead and bring a snack.  I do it.  We all do it.  I bring a bottled water and m&m's to put in my popcorn.  DO NOT bring fried chicken, soup, potato salad and lima beans or anything that is a giant bag full of something crunchy and impossible to eat without sounding like a cellophane cow with steel teeth chewing glass and nails.  PLEASE.
8.  Try to keep the commentary to  a minimum...or to a none....whatever.   We might jump, even shriek when there is a terrifying scene in a movie.  But screaming out loud, shouting OMG!, or "Oh no she didn't!" "Don't go in there!" "Hes behind the door!"  Shut. The. Fuck. Up. or stay home you ignorant retard.
9.  Kids.  KIDS.  I love my kid....but I'm not taking him to the movies.  Why? Because I can't keep him quiet and still for 2 hours.  And if you can't either....get a fucking sitter.  I've seen people bring a tiny itty bitty baby in a carrier to the theatre.  What the fuck? Its WAY to loud for them. Get a fucking baby sitter for Christ's sake.   That goes for toddlers and any kid under 12.  If you HAVE to bring them, only bring them to CHILD friendly movies.  A 6 year old fucking up Eclipse is unacceptable.  Take that trick to see Kung fu Panda or some other age appropriate shit.  As for kids over 12....they all suck and are evil little Satan spawn.  Please try to teach them how to behave before you turn them loose in a theatre unsupervised.  If not, I hope they come home with a mag light knot on their little pointy heads.  Next time you will get off your sorry ass and be a PARENT and go to the movies to police their forever inconsiderate behavior. Douche.
10.  Kids suck...yeah...but adults are pretty much worse because there is NO excuse for their behavior.  They've been raised by somebody I assume is not a wolf who didn't live in a barn and should know how to behave in public and cannot blame youth or hormones.  So my final rule...if you have a bladder problem, are expecting a call, or are fat enough to need 3 refills on coke and popcorn, don't sit in the middle of the theatre. Sit on the edge, at the bottom, so when you get up for the 9th time you don't disturb everybody.  That seat sucks?  Well, so do you....so it fits.

Dear Powersthatbe.  Please feel free to steal the above list and post it EVERYWHERE in your theatre...screen included.

Thanks a bunch
Sincerely,
A cheap person with low tolerance for other people's bullshit